Maybe

Maybe I've been feeling it for a long time

Maybe it's time

Maybe it wasn't as big of a shock as I thought

Maybe I don't mis Him, but rather, just the idea

Maybe one day I'll be okay with it all

I will

I will

Maybe one day I'll move on

I will

I will

I'll be okay

Maybe I'll be happy again

I will

I am

A Break-Up

A break-up effects more then just you and the one you broke up with. It effects everyone you are around. The longer you are together, the more ties to people you have. The more people you share. And when it ends, you lose those people. Even if you don't completly lose those people, you lose the part of them you had.

I find myself acting awkward around some people now, and not knowing how to be myself anymore. I keep feeling like people are acting different around me. I keep asking myself, "I wonder if they hate me now?" or, "What did he tell them about me?". I am ten times more self-concious then I ever was before. I find myself getting jealous that "my" friends are hanging out with "him". I find myself upset that I can't do whatever I want because I have to check and see if he is coming too. I find myself upset that I have to share.

But, this is just the way it has to be. Because I am not leaving our friends, and I wouldn't want him to leave his. And right now, there is no way we can happily be in the same place at the same time.

So, this is just how it has to be. Until one of us gets new friends. And sometimes I feel like that is the inevitable sollution.

Titanic: Worst Love Story Ever

*blot spoilers for those crazy enough to have never actually seen the movie "Titanic"*

Growing up I have seen this movie many times. I never actually liked it a whole lot, I was way too into history and was always bumbed there wasn't more historical facts in the movie (yes, nerd I know). But, I always thought this movie was cute, and a little romantic. Unitl now.

So, this Rose meets Jack, he draws a naked picture of her, they do it in the back of a car and they are instantly in love. Cool. I will be the first to tell you that you can have feelings for someone the first momment of meeting them, yes; However, and "undying love" takes time for sure. But in a movie format, when you don't have that much time, I can see that you might have to make the "undying" love go a little quicker. I get it. So, the whole falling in love aspect of the movie doesn't get me, but the very END END does.

At the very end of the movie, Rose passes away. I always got a little teary eyed and thought it was super cute and romantic that when she passes away and Jack is waiting for her at the top of the staircase. Oh, reunited at last. But, BLECK! How is this supposed to be romantic, and how is this supposed to make people feel better in the slightest about love? So she meets Jack for 2 days, he dies. Then she goes on, obviously meets a man, has children with him, they lead a long happy life together, then he dies. So, when Rose finally dies...she is reunited with JACK...the person she knew for 2 days...not her husband she was with and had children with. How is that supposed to be a happy ending?

I just don't understand this ending, now that I am older and have experienced what it is like to lose the one you love.

I might be reading into this too much, in the movie it never really says she "gets married", it just says she has children...so I just implied she got married...but still. If she didn't get married did that mean she had a long lonely life? Either way...what a depressing movie.

BiPolar Amber

Everyday is a new day. A new start. A new begining. Everyday is an oppurtunity to turn over a new leaf, and start fresh. Everyday you have a new though, and new revalation, a new experience and a new outlook. Everybody is a little bi-polar. Everyone is a little crazy, and a little sane. We all make mistakes, and we all move on. We all end up happy. Life is just amazing. No matter what happens, nothing can shoot me down.

Meloncholic

Everyday is another day. I keep having highs and lows. Today is a low. I have felt like I was going to cry all day, but I held it in.

I feel like everything was going great in my life, then suddenly someone lit a giant fire and I have to start all over. In one fail swoop I lost everything in my life: my dog, my house, the ability to go back to school, all the money in my savings, my friends, and most important...the love of my life. Everything is gone, and now I have to start over.

Just a few months ago, we were moving into our new house. When I was in Europe J decided to surprise me by finding a great new house for us to move into...on our own! I had wanted to live on our own for a while, and I hated where we lived before, so it was a wonderful surprise. When we walked into the new house, it was perfect! I fell in love with it instantly. He walked me into the first room and showed me a corner and said, "That's where we will put the chirstmas tree". And he smiled. He knows that the first thing I think of with any house is where I will put the christmas tree. I laughed. It was the greatest gift.

Well, the months have come and gone, and December is here. Time to get the christmas tree. But, he is gone. The house is gone. And the christmas tree is no longer.

I am now living at my moms. We will put her christmas tree up, with her christmas decorations. And mine will stay tight in a box until next year.

Today, I am meloncholic for the past. I miss last christmas. I miss my old life. I miss the old me where I laughed and made jokes all the time. I miss who I used to be. I miss who he used to be. I miss who we used to be. I miss it all.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another day.

Yep, Just Me

The last several days have had their majior ups, and maijor downs. They have all just blurred: one into eachother. But, now, I think I am finally coming out of the other side of this bipolar train.

I have decided to keep my head high, and keep moving forward. I can't go back and change the past. I can't make what has happend go away. The most I can do is move on and move forward. So I am.

I went apartment hunting today. I need to find my own place. I drove around bellingham, by myself, and just looked. I walked into countless leasing offices and asked if they had any one bedroom apartments available in January. They all asked, "Is it just for you?" At first, I reluctently said, "Uh...yes, yes, just me" At first, it hurt to be saying that it was just me, all alone. But as I walked from office to office, I slowly realized, "wait, yes! It is just ME!" That is it! I am the only person I need to worry about. I only have to worry about what is best for me. And towards the end of my hunt of the day, the answer was, "YEP! JUST ME!" Very confidently, with pride. I actually got a little boost of confidence, thinking I was taking care of myself. I was working for no one in a sense.

Yep, It is just me!

For the first time since everything happend, I felt...okay. Like things might actually be...okay. Weird.

Me

The Closeness

Today was a little easier. I was able to not cry for most of the day. It wasn't until the end of the day at work that I began to get a little teary.

At work there was a thanksgiving dessert for all the parents and families of the kids. It was cute! All the parents came in and sat next to their kids and watched them decorate cookies : ) Watching the cute kids didn't make me sad, it was their parents interactions that did. I watched one father take a bite of a cookie then offer his wife a bite. That simple act made me tear up.

It is mainly the closeness I will miss with Josh. The closeness with another individual. Where you just want to sit beside them, because that act makes you feel better. You want to share everything with them, even if it just a bite of a cookie. You can't help but hold their hand as you walk down the street.

The closeness. That is what I will miss the most.

I went home this evening, and Josh was there. I made a mistake and cried in his arms about it. It made me feel better. I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I didn't. I know I shouldn't talk to Josh about how sad he is making me, but, he's there. He always has been. And still, he is the only one I want to talk too.

So, as I was leaving to go to my moms tonight, I took off the keychain that Josh bought me and put it on the counter as I was leaving. My keychain is a little lighter, and so is my heart.

I slammed the door as I was leaving, then called Josh to appologize for being so upset.

I shouldn't appologize.

Last Night

I woke up last night, thinking you were beside me. I reached over to you and realized you weren't there. I jumped up, worried, and thought you skidded off the road in the ice. I looked outside and saw your car and realized, "Oh". You aren't going to be beside me in my bed anymore. I'm going to be sleeping alone.

I should be angry that after five years you didn't want to try anymore. I should be pissed, that you "gave up". But I'm not. I can't be mad at you, because I still love you more then anything. And I wish I didn't.

I still feel like when I come home, you will be here. I still want to call you on my lunch, and rush home to see you after work. And, although I should be angry at you, if you were here tomorrow saying you made a mistake and wanted to work things out, I would say yes.

But you aren't. You aren't comming back. And I need to try to find a way to move on.

I am Completely Heartbroken

I used to say how lucky I was that I never had to feel true heartbreak, and I had convinced myself I never would. But, It's here. I feel heartbreak, and let me tell you, it's worse then what it sounds like.

I am 100% completly heartbroken at the momment. Last Sunday J and I decided to go on a break. So, since then I have been a total wreck. Monday, I cried all day at work. Same with tuesday. I didn't eat a full meal in 4 days, and I lost 5lbs. It's been awful. As the days go by, it's not getting better, but worse. Yesterday, I had a panic attack, where I cried on the floor for two hours. My mom said she has never seen me this low, and said if I don't cheer up, I'm going to put myself into a depression.

I know, I have always been dramatic eh? But, I think this is the bombshell.

Here is what is going on between J and I:

On sunday J brought up the fact that he feels I am not as "into" barborshop as he wants me to be. He said that barborshop is a family, and I am like the emo cousin that no one wants to talk too. So basically, that is how the conversation started.

Then it went on to the fact that both of us have been feeling a distance with eachother in the last couple months. We have just gotten into a rut. We come home, sleep, go to work, repeat. That is it. No fun. Nothing. And, we were wondering if the part in our lives that is not going so well, is US together.

So, at that point, we decided to end things. About an hour later, (after crying up a storm, on both ends), I suggested just having a break, instead of actually breaking up. I couldn't handle the thought of losing him, and losing everything we had worked for. So I gave him until monday evening to decide if he wanted just a break or not. Monday I was a wreck. I came home, and J had decided that he did just want a break.

I went to my moms house, cried for an hour. My Step Dad suggested that I stay at thier house in the guest room, in order to really clear my head. And, I agreed. I thought the space during the break might be a good idea.

Monday night, I went home home. J was gone. He had clean the whole house, left all the money he owns me on the fridge, clean out the back room, put a mattress down, and made my bed. He never came home that night. I cried myself to sleep.

The next day, I went to work, then came home to grab my stuff. Josh was there. He had been crying all day. And as I went into my room, I could hear him in the living room crying. It was awful. I left, and cried all the way to moms.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were all a blur.

Friday, I was at play rehersal, and it started snowing. That was a girls night I had planned. I was planning on just going out and forgetting about it. But, I ended up just having to go home. I went HOME HOME. I had too. It was snowing. When I got there, josh had been snowed in too. So we talked.

He misses me. He said that I am the love of his life, but he is worried that if we don't have our time to grow when we are younger, we will grow to resent eachother. He doesn't want to date other people, but he is worried we would regret it if we don't give it the chance now.

He said he loves me more then anything in the world, and he is also worried that if we break-up he will lose the most important thing in the world to him: me.

So, he is torn.

I am not.

I want to be with him more then anything in the world. I see his side. Completly. I understand where he is coming from with the whole "seperating while we are still young" bit. But, I do not want to lose him. He is 100% the love of my life. And I don't want to lose him.

Right now I am worried that what will happen is we will break-up, I'lll move out. Lose everything (my dog, my house, all my money in savings, I wont be able to afford to go back to school with the higher rent, etc.) and then in a few months, he will realize he made a big mistake, and want me back. AFTER, everything we have worked for is gone.

I feel like we have put so much into the relationship, that it is sad to let it go without even trying. We are still completely in love with eachother. We want nothing more then to be with eachother, we just need to grow. And I understand. But, I feel like if we just gave up now, we would regret it. With everything we put into it, I feel like we might have to treat it like a "marriage". We share EVERYTHING. It's going to be so hard to just let go. So I feel like we should at least try to work on things before just giving up. "

The sad thing is, I never considered this would happen. I figured that, "Love Conquers All". But I guess it doesn't.

Josh said that he has some growing up to do. He feels like staying with me is a commitment for the rest of his life, and he isn't ready for that yet. If he feels like that, I have to let him go, no matter how much it hurts.

I would like to think that one day, we will be together again, but I know that is an unhealthy way to think about it.

I suppose, one way or the other, it will all work out. I just can't see it now.

I'm just so sad. : (

I wish I could say he was a Jerk. But I can't. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and the last five years have been a dream come true. He is the first man I ever loved, the first man I ever kissed, me have a house, and a dog together, we share a life. And now that life is over. I have to start new, I have to let go of him.

I am still completely in love. When we actually broke up, I cried harder then I ever had before. I had a panic attack. It was awful. Then I begged. I begged him to stay with me and give me another chance. But I knew, i would eventually have to let him go, if I really cared about him. I can't beg someone to stay with me, no matter how much I love them.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

I don't know where to go from here.

Movie: Driving Lessons

A while back, I watched a fabulous movie: "Driving Lessons" I'm not even going to describe it to you. I just want you to watch it. Please. It's excelent. Trust me.

My Favorite Quote:

" Ask yourselves this question; How is a person truly free until they can think and act for themselves? God gave us free will so that we could choose His love. You see, He wanted us to understand our commitment. To be grown up about it. If you ask me, "Am I Christian?", I say to you, if you strive to do good, then you're a Christian. If you don't seek to hurt or betray others, you're a Christian. If you're true to yourself and treat others as you'd have them treat you, you're a Christian. The more a person parades their Christianity for the benefit of other, the less I'm inclined to trust the Christianity they claim to bring. God tells us, true faith is the freedom to choose truth. Now, how you express that, the way, the manner, the means at your disposal, these things are of no consequence, be you Christian or Atheist - unless in your heart you are true."

Blogging

I was talking to a friend the other day, and we were discussing the subject of "blogging". We both realized that we really only blog when we are depressed. And sometimes we say things on blogs that we don't really mean, but we are just in such a crappy mood, we have to say it. And after looking back at some blogs, I have realized that this can definatly be the case. Some of my blogs seem to be very wishy washy, one blog will be super happy, and the next will complete negate the previous one. How annoying. But really, after thinking it over: isn't that how life is? Some days, you will be in a complete crappy mood, where nothing goes right, then the next, something happens that is completely amazing, and your mood just skyrockets?! I guess, my style of "Blogging" is just real?

Kids and Parenting

Josh is a nanny for the next two weeks. He has a 4 year old and a 10 year old to take care of. It's really eye opening. Yesterday we took them to the pumpkin patch, driving our little mini van and had a nice "family time". It was great, fun, and everyone enjoyed themselves. But it made me think of so many things.

For one, parents are awful! I can't tell you how many times I heard parents screaming at their kids for doing something "wrong" like just touching a pumpkin, or picking a rotting apple off the ground, or running instead of walking. Really parents, do you have to lose your cool about every little thing your child does that isn't "perfect"? Kids are just kids! They are curious, and interested in everything. And guess what, it is a pumpkin patch that is geared towards kids! So they want the kids to run, and touch things, and have fun...that is the whole points! I heard a parent say, "Now don't touch that, now you MIND ME!" Ha, Josh and I turned to eachother and laughed SO HARD! It was absolutly rediculous!

Now obviously, I am not a parent, and really, have no idea what it is like. I don't have to deal with the stress of not sleeping and all that right now. However, I do have experience with kids. I work with 2 year olds 40 hours a week. Then this weekend, I get to spend my spare time with the kids, so I do have a little experience. And in my experience I have learned that kids listen better if you talk to them like normal people, and don't yell at them like they are your little pet. But, that is just a thought.

I never want my future children to act like little perfect robots! I want them to run, and touch things, and do things that are wrong. And I want to redirect their interest into what is the right thing to run too, and what is the right thing to touch.

Besides noticing "parenting", and realizing that Josh and I have very similar ideas about "parenting", I have also realized there is no way I want one of those little persons right now! Ha! No babies for now for me. Yes, I go through little spurts of really wanting children. But then, it's over. I really like to work with kids, then come home and be a kid myself. I like doing what I want, when I want, whenever I want. And it is going to stay that way for a long while.

I'll just take care of kids for now!

Running/Working Out/Dieting

Running, Working out, and Dieting...

...are some of the things I have not been doing succesfully lately. I am actually starting to regain some of the weight that I had initially lost. I have reached an awful breaking point in my weight goal--a part where my weight is doing the opposite of what I want. I need to reboost my weight loss.

I have a membership to a gym that I have paid for, for the last two months, and I have used it exactly ZERO times. I am loosing my adreniline that I had built up. I need to go back. I miss running. I miss the running high. I miss it all.

And yet, I just can't get the motivation again. I need to find a way to get the motivation I had last year.

I have a fridge full of healthy food, and yet all I want is burgers, and pizza, and fat-carbfilled-food. Yum.

I need motivation to get my butt back into gear.

Britney

Britney Spears says it best, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman".

That is exactly how I feel right now. I am in that typical "twenty something" stage, where everything just seems like I am doing something wrong. Nothing feels right, and I can't figure out what is. I have no idea who I am, and who I want to be.

Of course, I love how my life is going. I love my job, my boyfriend, my dog, my life. But, something still feels wrong about this whole thing. There is something wrong, with me. I'm holding something back, but I don't know what. I haven't quite discovered who I am, and who I want to be yet.

I don't even know my own personality. Am I the wierd "hardcore, mega, bitch, extreme"? Or am I the sweet, young, daycare worker that loves children and loves art. Do I like to go out clubbing? Or would I rather stay at home and draw? Am I a loner? Do I like being around people? Honestly, you would assume these would be things I could figure out myself, but really, I don't know. I am just in this strange inbetween stage. This stage where I still love to go out and hang with my friends, but I am starting to realize I like other things more. A stage where I always want to be around my friends, but realize "me time" is wonderful. I'm in a stage where I am just stuck.

"I'm not a girl, not yet a woman", oh Britney, there must be a little something in that shaved head of yours, because your words speak to me tonight.

Halloween Costume

What do you think?

Ever since I was five years old I have been told that I act like Lucille Ball. I don't know if that is necisarily a good thing or not, but I kind of agree with them. Josh has been known to comming home to a kitchen full of bubbles from me putting in the wrong soap, or making way too much food so forcing myself to eating it all because I don't know how to store it, I once swallowed egg yolk...BY ACCIDENT! Very I-Love-Lucy-esqu don't you think?

So perhaps I would be too much in character in this costume??

Moving

I absolutly, 100% hate moving. Yes, the moving part is very tedious (the driving back and forth, and the waste of days, and the fact that stuff just "fluffs up" while you are packing), but to me, the worst part about moving is: UNPACKING! It is such an absolute pain. It is such endless, tedious work. And again, the stuff just "fluffs up" the more you unpack.I am so happy of where we moved. I love the location, the house, the yard, everything, but I would love it more if I was happy to show it off. Right now there is so much junk everywhere, that I just feel like I live in a redneck, "hickville", establshment. It's such a bummer.

I'm going to take some "before pictures" of my house, and hopefully, the pictures will get better and better as the blog goes on.

This is my living room/dinning room/kitchen. It's wonderfully open. I love it. Once it is a little more organized, and pictures are up, I know it will be amazing.

This is my crap room. Seriously. We have two bedrooms. And this one we are just using as a junk room right now. I think this will be my worst challenge. Eventually, we want to turn it into an art room/music studio. But right now, I'm so overwhelmed with the mess, I just can't see where it will start.

This is the house. It is so cute! This is what it looks like from the street. Next summer, I hope I will have planted more flowers. It is so pretty!

Right now I am completly overwhelmed with all the un-packing. It seems like it will never end. But, I know that if I just work, the results will be worth it. I just need to get some dang motivation!

Long Time No See

It has been several months since my last post. I have lost the time to keep a blog, and even if I wanted to blog, I had no internet. So that made it very difficult.

In the last several months I have, traveled Europe, moved to a new home, changed my position at work, and many other things. Life has been one endless adventure, and somewhere, my little blog has gotten left behind.

I want to continue writing in this blog. Blogging helps me really work things out in my head, and writing in gerneral helps, so hopefully I will gain time.

While I was in Europe I kept a travel Journal. It was the best idea ever. I didn't always have the time to make it to the computer, so having a travel Journal was great. I want to post little excerpts from it on my blog here, so you can know more about what I did in Europe. I will, when I have time. And I am sure I will have time.

Now, Back to watching Supernatural...all the hottness!!!

Book Teaser

Rules:
* Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
* Turn to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post that sentence (plus one or two others if you like) along with these instructions on your blog or (if you do not have your own blog) in the comments section of this blog.
*Post a link along with your post back to this blog.



Catching Fire by Suzzane Collins

p. 56, 5th Scentence


"I begin to weary of the vastness, the endlessness of this place"




((PS, one of the best books I've ever read.))

Confience is a Weird Thing

I've been working out at the gym pretty regularly, or going for runs in my neigborhood. I love running. I love the running high you get, and the way your legs feel all rubbery after. I love the adreneline and the confiedence you feel afterwards.

But, no matter how hard I work out, and how thin I'm getting, I'm still not as confident as I used to be at my smallest. I'm really happy with my body size, and they way I look, but there are still things that make me feel...weird?

I've been working really hard to be able to wear a two peice bathing suit, but now that I am there, I'm still not confident enough to wear it.

I'm about to leave for Europe shortly, and I have to figure out which bathing suit to bring:

This one:

Or This one:

The top one was/is the bathing suit that I was working to wearing, but I still feel more confident in the bottom one. I think ultimatly I still feel more confident in the one piece...although I know I don't look awful in the first one. It's weird how your confidence changes depending on what you wear.

What are your opinions?

Work: Found My Place

The other day I realized that for the first time in my life, I am not looking for a job. For the first time, I am completley satisfied where I am.

Since the time I was 14, I was looking for a job. Looking, Interviewing, Getting the Job...and yet...still looking. Everytime I have gotten a job, I have looked for something better. A job I would enjoy more, or one that would give me benefits or higher pay. I have always been looking. I would come home and search craigslist, monsters.com, the newspaper, everything, to try and find a new job. But, I just realized...I haven't used those sites, in a long time.

For the first time, I feel like I am working somewhere I can work for a long time. I am not always LONGING for a new job. I am not feeling "burnt out". I'm excited to go to work. It is such a great feeling.

Of course there are problems. The kids will be hell, my coworkers will be cranky or in bad moods, or I will be in a bad mood. Everyone has those days. But, for the most part I enjoy my job. I enjoy working with kids. My co-workers are great. I love my job. For the first time in my life I actually feel like I am working towards a good goal, and the correct one. I feel like I have found my place. I know where I am supposed to be. I love early childhood education. It is my dream.

I have finally found my place.

Euro Trip

I'm leaving for my trip to Europe so soon. I'll be gone for a month with my sister, traveling in Germany, Scotland, and Ireland. I'm meeting my best friends Jenny and Lisbeth in Hamburg (thier place of residence), and then we are traveling around. I am so excited, but I'm also starting to get a bit nervous. I'm going to a foreign country, with just my backpack. That's it. I'm going to fit everything I need into one carry on, and go. It's going to be so exciting...and nerveracking. All at the same time. I still don't know what the correct emotion is yet.

Here is my rough Itinerary:

8/4 – Leave Seattle at 6:40 p.m (18:45)
8/5 – Arrive Hamburg 5:50 p.m (17:50)
8/23 – Ivy’s Birthday
8/24 – Leave Hamburg 10:50 p.m (22:50)
Arrive Edinburgh 11:25 p.m (23:25)
8/28 – Leave Edinburgh 12:35 a.m
Arrive Dublin 1:40 p.m (13:40)
9/1 –- Leave Dublin 6:30 a.m
Arrive Manchester 7:30 a.m
Leave Manchester 10 a.m
Arrive London (Heathrow) 11:05 a.m
Leave London (Heathrow) 3:10 p.m (15:10)
Arrive Seattle 4:45 p.m (16:45)

Gosh, seeing it all typed out only makes me more...I still don't know the emotion.

I'm so excited to spend time with my Germans! I haven't seen them in so long. I'm so excited to go to foriegn countries where we are both the foreigner...and not just one or the other. I'm excited to get out of the U.S for a while and experience a different colture. I'm so excited for the experience and the adventures. I love living life.

This trip is my gift to myself. I've saved up for 2 years for this...and I plan on using every penny. I'm draining out my savings for this trip. And guess what...I know it isn't the responsible thing to do, and I should be saving some for my return and for the future, but heck! If I can't be irresponsible now when it will only effect me, when can I? This is the time of my life where I am supposed to make the crazy mistakes and have a lot of fun. This is when I am supposed to go to Europe with just my backpack and come back broke. It's my gift to myself. And I plan on enjoying every minute.

I'll try to keep everyone updated as much as possible, but I might be having too much fun. So, if I don't talk to you...

Bon Voyage ; )

Update: Life

So, I have gotten pretty bad at this whole "blogging" thing lately. I've noticed the happier I am in life, the less likely I am to write about it. I've always been like that. Strangely enough. My insperation comes from pain I suppose.

When I was little I used to keep a journal. I was in a deep depression after my brother got into an accident, and the journals are full of dark, disturbing, thoughts. I can't even bare to look at them anymore. But I wrote everyday. I drew pictures everyday. I wrote stories. But they came from somewhere dark and twisted. I kept a journal until a few years ago. Then I just stopped. My last journal entry ends with something like, "Gosh, I wish Josh would just ask me out"...ha! It's funny looking back at that one now.

I haven't kept a journal since. Just these little random updates on my blog. I really should start keeping it, but I can never seem to get inspiration...kinda like this blog.

So, rather then find inspiration to write, I guess I'll just give you little update on my life.

Europe: I leave for Europe in exactly a month! I'm so excited, but I'm starting to get a little nervous. I have booked all my hostels, booked all my flights, and know exactly where I am staying. It's amazing. : ) I'm getting more and more excited everyday. I keep looking at travel blogs, and travel sites to get more ideas of what I want to do when I'm there, and that just makes me even more excited.

Work: I'm loving my job more and more each day. I love the age group I work with (one year olds), and I have so much fun. Starting when I get back from Europe they are thinking of moving me to the two year old room for a bit, and I am definatly going to have fun in that classroom too! The more I work here, the more I know this is what I want to do with the rest of my life. I love working in a pre-school. It's so relieving to finally know what I want to do with my life. I love children. I love working with children. I finally love my job.

Food/Diet: I'm trying lots of new things with food. After doing that detox, I've slowly been teaching myself different ways to cook healthier and eat healthier, and I actually like it! I've found that I prefer rice vinager on my salads, and I enjoy cooking with olive oil instead of butter. I like cooking healthier, and I feel better eating healthier! Ever since the detox I have been really curious of differnt ways of eating as well, so I have started to cook vegan meals for fun. I still haven't mastered one...I think I like my dairy and meat more. But it's fun to try new things.

I love where I am in life right now. And now more then ever, I'm excited to live it. I'm excited to see what comes next, and where life takes me.

Detox: Epic Fail

I'm sure you are all wondering how my detox is going, well, it can be best described in one picture:

EPIC FAIL

Day Three and Four: Detox Adventures

Eating healthy is making me feel so much better, but I long for food. I love the taste of good food, cooked in butter. Pizza and beer...you can never go wrong. I find that the detox is getting more and more difficult. I love the feeling I get when I eat more healthy, but I hate not eating what I want. I really don't know how much longer this will last. It is supposed to last seven days, but with this weekend being fathers day....I don't think it will last.

Some Pictures from the last several days of food:

Day Three Menu:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with 1tbls Honey and splash of Rice Milk

Lunch (pictured): Subway Sandwhich with Oil and Vinegar. I got the "Veggie Pattie" one. Day three was my last day for grains, and I really wanted grains!

Dinner (Pictured): Baked Salmon with Garlic and Cilantro and Stir fry with Veggies and a rice milk and seseme oil sauce.
Snacks: Sunflower seeds, Banana, Grapes
Dessert: Warm Rice milk with a sprinkle of cinamon.

Day Four Menu:

Breakfast: Wild Rice with Rice milk and a dash of cinimon
Lunch: Leftover bean salad with carrots and celery sticks
Dinner (Pictured): Large dinner salad with rice vinager dressing
Snacks: Sunflower seeds, and Grapes

Detox: Day Two

Well, yesterday was day two of my detox. After a full day of the detox I am already starting to feel better. I'm not as hungry between meals, and I physically feel better! I have more energy, and I am so much more happy! I feel so much better eating healthy.

Several people have been asking where I found this detox and where I am finding the recipeis. There is this awesome website called: wholeliving.com. It's amazing. It has all these great ideas about eating healthy. One day, looking on this website I found this DETOX (click on the link to go to the page). It's amazing so far. I love it because there is actual FOOD to eat, and not just a weird lemon/maple syrup drink. I love food too much to fast. As far as the recipies for this diet, I am making them up myself!!! I'm pretty dang proud of myself. This diet gives me so many more oppurtunities to think of healthy ways to cook food. I think if I get anything out of this detox, that will be the thing I take away: knowing how to cook healthy.

As far as the detox today: Today was my last day of cheese, eggs, and milk. So I made the most of it with my menu choices for the day.

Day Two Menu:
Breakfast: Oatmeal with 1tbls Honey and splash of milk
Lunch: Salad with fresh veggies and seseme oil dressing
Dinner (Pictured): Stuffed zuccini (with cheese and sour cream! this was my last day I could eat dairy, so I might as well go out with a bang!)
Snacks: Sunflower seeds, Apple, and Bananna

Since People have been asking for recepies, Here is the recepie for the Stuffed Zuccini:

Serving Size: 2

Cook Time: 30 mins

2 zuccinis about the same size

1 can pinto beans

1/2 onion

1 tomato

1 tbls Cilantro

1/2 cup cheese

2 eggs

Set the oven to 375. Cut the zuccinis length wise, in half. Scoop out the seeds, and save the insides for later. Place halfs in greesed cookie sheet. In another bowl mix seeds, and all ingredients. Fill zuccinis with filling, sprinkle with cheese. Bake for 30 mins in oven, or until golden brown. Best served with with a dollop of sour cream on top! Yum!

Josh doesn't even like zuccinis, and he LOVED it!!

Detox: Day One/Onehundreth Post

This is my one hundreth post on my blog! I can't believe in little over a year I have had so many blogs. Yes, this blog goes back several years, but the later years are just copied and pasted from other blogs. Man, time sure does fly.

I wish this one hundreth post would be more interested, but really, I don't even know what to say, so, I'm just going to write what I would right for any other post...that's what you all read it for anyways right? My thoughts:

I am starting a detox. It's not to lose weight or anything, it's just to clean my body of the toxins I eat from eating all the crappy foods! Ha...Soda, Beef, chips, pizza, canned foood, YUM! But not exactly the best for you. I have researched many different types of detox's until I finlaly found one I think I'm going to like. It only cuts out certain foods, and you can still eat (those weird lemon water detox's are not for me...I like food too much!).

Day one is going awesome! I am starting to feel a little more healthy already, and I am not as hungry as I thought I would be (but yes, I am still a little hungry.

Day One Menu:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with 1tbls Honey and a splash of Milk

Lunch (Pictured): Four Bean Salad with a sprinkle of Soy Oil and Olive Oil for taste

Dinner: Artichoke with Garlic Olive Oil dip

Snacks: Pumpkin Seeds, Watermelon, and Yogurt

Overall, the fist day has been a great success...I'll keep you posted on the days that follow. One down...six more to go!

Tattoo

From This:

To This:

From design to tattoo! I have finally got my first tattoo. I am absolutely in love with it. I never want to wear shoes just so I can sit there and stair at it all day long.

The tattoo is the Celtic sign for "sisterhood". Ivy and I have been wanting to get a tattoo together for a long time, and now we have one. We knew we didn't want words, we wanted some sort of symbol, so we researched and researched what would be the best. Now we have exactly what we want. I am absolutely in love with the design. I'm so happy.

People have so many opinions about tattoos, and now that I have one, I get to hear all the opinions. When I showed my family, they all thought it was awesome. There wasn't one negative response. Some of my family members were jealous, and wish they had one too *cough* grandma *cough*, and others were just in love with the idea that Ivy and I feel close enough to get matching tattoos. It was a positive reaction from my family. But from others I have gotten some negative reactions, "Aren't you going to hate it when your older?", "Wont your tastes change?", "What happens when your skin is all sagging? Will you be happy with it then?". Well, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I have got answers for you.

Q: Aren't you going to hate it when you're older?

A: You can ask that about just about everything can't you? Am I going to like my job? Am I going to like the house I buy? Am I still going to like the fact I never went to college? Etc. Etc. Etc. The point of the tattoo isn't necessarily to have something I'm going to like when I'm older, but rather, to remember who I am now. I can look back at my tattoo and remember what kind of person I was when I was 22, and how fun this part of my life was like.

Q: Wont your tastes change?

A: Possibly. That's why I will never get a tattoo in a place that isn't easy to cover up. But really, as afore mentioned....it's not really about the look, it's more about the memory.

Q: What happens when your skin is all saggy? Will you be happy with it then?

A: If my skin is sagging, I don't think I'm going to feel attractive enough anyways to wear clothes to show off a tattoo I might have. So really, what does it matter? When your skin is sagging, old, full of sun spots, and gross...is a tattoo really going to make your body look worse? No, not really.

I absolutely love my tattoo. I don't regret my decision. But, I don't think tattoos are for everyone. I love it on me, and that is all that really matters.

World Traveler

I want to be a world traveler. I want to travel to every country, every city, everywhere. I want to experience the culture, the food, the lifestyle, the...everything.

I absolutely love traveling. I love experiencing new worlds within my own.

I want to live somewhere else for a while. Outside the U.S. I want to teach kids how to speak english. I want to travel far away...and then travel back. I need to experience something new for a while.

I just wish it all wasn't so expensive....

Judgemental

I have met more judgmental people in the past several months then I have in my entire life. The rest of my life I have been lucky to be able to surround myself with easy going, laid back friends that are optimistic and happy. However, in the last several months things have changed, and unfortunately I have met more judgmental negative people then I have in my entire life. Meeting all these people give off a negative energy that I seem to feed on, and it is really starting to get to me.

Throughout my life I have been given home-made gifts from many different people saying, "Most Optimistic", "Most Easy-Going", "Happiest to be Around", etc. And I have been lucky to surround myself with people who are very similar to me. People that enjoy life, and enjoy living in life. People that try to find the joy in everything, and keep a smile on their face. I hang around people that wear fat suits into town, and draw mustaches on their face. My friends make funny dinosaur noises in public and wear obnoxious clothing. I have friends from every religion, and almost every ethnicity. I have friends from many different sexual backgrounds, and family backgrounds. And guess what, I love them all.

Being around judgmental people exhaust me. It physically drains me. Not because I'm offended, or my feelings are hurt, I have just never dealt with that before. I didn't even know it really existed I suppose. I mean, I knew what the word meant, and it had to come from somewhere I suppose, but I didn't really think there were people out there that I would describe as "judgmental".

I suppose there always had to be right, otherwise why would there be wars? If everyone was happy and agreed on everything, there would be nothing to fight about and wars wouldn't exist. But if everyone agreed, then everyone would be the same and wouldn't that be boring. So, I suppose it takes all sort of people to make the world go round, right?

Mumbo Jumbo

I feel like I need to blog, but I don't really have anything specific to blog about. I have so many thoughts in my head, but none of them coincide, which means that this blog is going to be one long piece of mumbo jumbo.

Europe: I am in the process of planning my trip to europe for August. I'm super excited, and super nervous. But right now, I feel mainly frustrated. I'm not saving as much money as I would like, and I am starting to get worried I may run out of money while I'm in Europe. It's also frusterating planning a trip with people that live internationally. It's not their fault, or mine, it's just frustrating as far as communication. I'm frustrated because I'm going to miss a month at work, and I know I will miss so many things while I'm gone it will be hard to get back into the swing of things. Right now I'm more frustrated then excited....things need to change.

School: I want to go back to school, but I still haven't found a way how. I don't qualify for any scholarships, or financial aid, and I can't pay for it myself. So it seems like I am SOL. The problem is, I am also lacking motivation because neither of my boss' even have a degree, so I don't really see the point in getting one. I love learning, I love going to school, so if I can go to school I will just for the enjoyment. But there really is no point getting a loan or paying out of pocket, because it is just a degree you don't really need anyways.

Future: Plans for the future keep changing by forces not controlled by me. I understand that he is allowed to change his mind at any time, and I shouldn't have to do something he doesn't like, but...he changes his mind all the time. At first he was going to become a nurse, then we were going to do traveling nursing for our first few years of marriage. Now, he is auditioning for a quartet (which is amazing because it is world renowned), but that is putting school off for many more years....which means we will be in the EXACT SAME PLACE for years to come. But, now, he doesn't think he wants to become a nurse anymore. He doesn't know what he wants, and he still doesn't want a full time job because it will interfere with singing. I'm glad he has a hobby (and he is absolutely amazing at it), but I'm worried he isn't being responsible and looking at the bigger picture. I'm worried he is going to be a bum. Yes, I said it. I'm worried he is just going to diddy daddle and end up working at a "Piggly Wiggly" for ever. This is all just coming out of love of course, I just worry about him. I worry about his future. I worry about my future. I worry about our future.

House: On the subject of "thinking about the future", I have been thinking lately that when I come back from Europe I will start saving to buy a house. My dream would be to own a house by the time I'm 30. Now, I'm not going to be looking for my "dream house"....but it would be nice to own property. A tiny "fixer-uper" that I can gain equity in...sell...and then buy an even bigger and nicer house. Or property for cheap that I can eventually build a nice house on. I don't know...it's just something I have been considering lately. I would rather save for a house then a wedding....a wedding is for a day...a house is your future you know. And I am not having a child until I own a house.

My Weight: I feel like I'm at a stand still. I've been the same weight for a while now. I'm maintaining it...which is great...but I'm working hard and not losing anything! It is a big downer.

22: I'm 22....I feel like I'm getting old. And I feel like I'm young. I feel like I should have done more by now, and I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm being held back, and I feel like I'm holding myself back. I feel like I could be more, but I like who I am. Being 22 is confusing. But isn't that life?

Do I Wedding Bells?...

...yes...but they aren't mine. I'm at that point in my life where everyone is getting married and having babies...and I'm just here. That is fine, I have a great relationship, a great job, a great dog, a great house, and I love my life...but when weddings are all around you, you can't help but think about yours.

I look forward too, and plan mine, all the time. That doesn't mean I necessarily want to get married right now, but it is something I think about often. I guess...I'm just a girl. It's normal to think about about these things. I can't talk to Josh about these things because...he's afraid to grow up...so obviously he's a little afraid of getting married. Ha! The life of someone dating Peter Pan I suppose.

But, since I can't talk about my future wedding, I might as well post about it on a place that Josh will never read....MY BLOG! I just have to get it out of my system somewhere...and here is the perfect place...so for your benefit:

My Future Wedding to My Future husband that I may or may not know at this point because you never know how life takes you (long title?...I'll work on that)

Colors: Purple and Orange (or sunset colors: purple, orange, with accent colors of red, pink, yellow and gold)

I just love how they look together. So vibrant and happy, and so different. Not many people dream of their wedding being ten thousand different colors....but I do!

Bridesmaids dresses:

I know I want them to be a gold or a yellow color with a bright orange, purple, pink, red, and yellow bouquet. The style I want has to have large straps (like the above or perhaps a halter) because so far all three of the bridesmaids I would have have large boobs, and I want them to be able to wear a bra. No saggy boobies at my wedding. I want them perky and ready to play. I do want a short dress, because I want a spring/summer wedding.

Ha, I've even picked my ring and my dress:

And really, that is about all I have planned so far. I know I want bar food and karaoke. I want to walk down the aisle to the song "Because" by the beatles, and I want to learn a "first dance" so we don't just sway back and forth. I want there to be wine and beer...but just a little, as to not have drunks at the wedding. But most of all, I want to have fun, and I want everyone that leaves to realize they just attended the most fun wedding they will ever attend in their life...what a way to start a marriage eh?

On that note, right now I'm on the fence about being married. On one hand, it would be awesome, because I have found the person I know I want to spend the rest of my life with and I truly know he is the one. I love him more then anything. We live together, and basically are married already. So why wait? But on the other hand, what is the rush? I know I don't want to have babies for a few more years, and there is no way I can afford to buy a house, neither of us have money saved up or steady jobs...so really, there is no rush.

I don't think marriage should be a rushed decision. Marriage is one of (if not the biggest) decisions of your life, and shouldn't be rushed into. I do want to wait until I am financially stable, and am ready to start other chapters of my life (buying a house, having kids, etc.), but until then...it's still fun to do a little wedding planning ; )

Oxymoron

Isn't it basically an oxymoron (emphasis on the "moron") to whine and complain about someone whining and complaining? Until recently I always thought I whined and complained a lot, but comparatively, I'm nothing.

Comparatively, I'm chill, relax, and easy-going. I'm patient and kind, and always in a good mood.

I'm the kind of person that will walk out of my way to put the cart back in the cart return. I will help the elderly carry their groceries, and wait around to listen to their awesome stories. If I find a wallet, I will return it, without taking anything. Once while on a walk, I noticed someone's car door was open and their light was on, so I knocked on their door to let them know so their battery wouldn't die. I smile and wave at everyone that looks at me. I smile not even realizing why I'm smiling.

Isn't it funny how it takes the exact opposite of you to realize how truly awesome you are sometimes?

Reoccurring Character

About 3 years ago I started having dreams here and there with the same character. It is not in every dream I have, but rather, in my dreams every couple of months. Whenever I am holding what I know to be, "My baby" in a dream, it is always the exact same baby. When I wake up, I still can see what that baby looks like, the face is so clear.

When I was little I had a younger brother that passed away. He was only 5 days old when he was gone. This baby--my baby--looks like him. My baby is always a little boy that looks like my younger brother but darker. He has tanner baby skin, and very light (almost greenish) eyes. He is absolutely breathtaking. And it's funny, because it seems like it could be mine. My younger brother and I looked a lot alike as babies. If I do end up getting married and having babies with Josh, that would explain the darker skin as well as the lighter eyes.

This baby has only been appearing in my dreams for the last three years (starting a little over a year since Josh and I started dating). I wonder if in some way, this may be a premonition of the future. What if this is what my child actually looks like? What if when I do have a baby, that is him, and I can already see him in my dreams? I hope so. In my dreams, and when I wake up I love him so much. I can still sense him (and the love for him) when I wake up. It's as if I already have a child to live for, because I can see what is meant to be.

I guess only time can tell if this is a premonition or not.

Secret Celebrity Crushes

I know, sounds like a very random post. And yes it is. But I just wanted to admit to some secret celebrity crushes. I know most people have crushes on the typical: Jeffery Dean Morgan, Jude Law, Gerard Butler, Robert Downey Jr. etc. But I just wanted to admit to several not so expected celebrity crushes that I seem to have.

Every single time I watch a Judd Apatow film, there seems to be a secret celebrity crush of mine...yum!

The show "Freaks and Geeks" is a perfect example:

Jason Segal--I just can't help it. He is super adorable, and he always plays such adorable characters in movies/shows that I can't help but have a cute little crush on him. Plus....vampire musicals....awesome! Ha! Even though recently he has gotten a little chub....chub is adorable on the right guy.

Seth Rogan--I can't help it. He always makes things awkward in movies/shows and stuff. But he is just so adorable in his own little chubby/funny way. Ha!

And yes, both of them were in "Freaks and Geeks" and both of them were adorable. And yes, it was a Judd Apatow production...because he is awesome. I guess I just have a soft spot for a dweeb. I have a soft spot for someone I know is a freak or a geek. And I just wanted to explain to the world that I will always be the nerd, and I will always love the nerd. Nerds are awesome!

Keg to Six Pack

I feel awesome. I feel more awesome about my body then I have in a long time. I feel like my hard work is finally starting to pay off.

I while ago I bought a bathing suit. I knew it would take me a while to fit into it, but now, I am so close to feeling comfortable in it, it is amazing. My keg of a belly is starting to turn into a six pack tummy. I'm starting to almost feel comfortable in a bathing suit. I'm still not 100%, but it's definatly a lot better then what it was.

Isn't the bathing suit cute?? I'm so happy. If I stayed this same size forever I would be fine, but right now I am just looking to get more toned. I don't mind the way my body looks in the suit itself, but I don't like the flab that jiggles as I walk. The last thing I want is for my body to "jiggle like a bowl full of jelly"....no Santas on the beach this year! It may be endearing for Santa, but not on a 22 year old girl.

Cinderella Girl

Cinderelly, Cinderelly

Night and day it's Cinderelly

Make the fire, fix the breakfast

Wash the dishes, do the mopping

And the sweeping and the dusting

They always keep her hopping

She goes around in circles

Till she's very, very dizzy

Still they holler

Keep a-busy Cinderelly!

This is how I feel day in and day out at home. Cleaning, Cleaning, all the time. No help from anyone. The biggest difference between Cinderella and I is that Cinderella got free room and board....that would be nice.

Gnarly

For about the last week I have had the most gnarly sickness I have had in a while. It started on about wednesday with some wonderful nausea all night long and a temp of 102. So, I called in sick on thursday and stayed up with a terrible fever all day long. I went back to work on friday, which was a bad idea because I ended up having white spots on my throat when I got there and I felt like I got a fever. I pulled through the end of the day and made an appointment to see my doctor in the afternoon. Turns out I had strep throat...great???

The doctor gave me some anti-biotics and said all my symptoms should be gone within 24 hours, and if they weren't, then to come back and they would test for mono. I spent the whole weekend huddled under a million blankets with a fever, not being able to eat, and my throat was still soar. Awesome? I went back to the doctors on Monday and they said I have all the symptoms of Mono...so I had to get my blood drawn and get tested. They gave me a doctors note, and I am not allowed to go back to work until friday.

So, the test came back negative...no mono!!!...just a gnarly viral infection on top of my strep...so I have been miserable...and had to miss an entire week of work. Which is great on the bank account??? NOT!!!!

My blood test did show that I have a really low blood count, so I do have to go back and get a follow up blood test in three weeks to make sure I don't have a blood clotting condition. If they are making me wait three weeks for the blood test they must not be too worried....so I'm sure it's fine.

Just keeping everyone up to date.

Don't expect me out of the house for a while. I'm broke. I had to scrape every nook and cranny I could find today just to come up with a couple dollars to buy groceries. Awesome??

15 Things About Myself

1. I'm a Unitarian Universialist. It is a branch of christianity. But, it's the only branch that I agree with every aspect. So, if you ask me what religion I am I will say, "Unitarian Universalist"...and not christian.

2. I don't go to church because I have never found one that doesn't make me confused and/or angry. But I'm not opposed to going to church...if I ever found one I actually enjoy. Is there really a point to going to church if you don't enjoy going?

3. I hate it when people say the word 'retard' in a derogatory sense. It offends me on a deep level. But even though it offends me, I will never let it on that I don't like that word...because I don't want to offend you. How's that for a double edge sword?

4. I randomly look at PETA.com, and cry. I wish I could be strong enough to be a vegan, because animal abuse makes me so sad.

5. I get angry when people call in sick to work for stupid reasons: like a cold, or a soar throat without a fever. Even if it doesn't directly effect me I get really angry. And I don't know why it effects me so much? I guess I just don't like big babies.

6. If I sound super disrespectful about death, I apologize. I have gone through so much death in my life, that I am way to relaxed about it. Yes, when someone dies it is sad, but I know from experience you have to always look for the light in any situation. Unfortunately since I have dealt with this situation already so much in my life it has made me to relaxed and almost a little disrespectful towards death.

7. Debbie Downers, and Negative Nancys are not my friends. If you want to look at the dark side of life, you can go and be dark in your own little room by yourself. What are you waiting for? No one will miss you. ; )

8. I really enjoy being all by myself for long periods of time. I used to go to bed at like 8 at night growing up, and stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning just hanging out with myself: painting, taking pictures, listening to music, or just sitting there thinking all alone in the quiet. I loved it!

9. I'm really never going to be much of a drinker. I have grown up with alcoholics in my family, and the last thing I want for my future family is for me to be the alcoholic. I'm worried if I start drinking now, I'm going to end up being an alcoholic in the future.

10. I think I grew up too fast. Actually, I know I grew up too fast. When you go through as many traumatic experiences as I did as a child, it really makes you grow up a lot faster then others.

11. My parents hate eachother, they aren't even on speaking terms anymore. And that makes me really sad. I think about it a lot more often then you would assume. I'm worried that they are going to create a sceane at every big event in my life (wedding, baby, etc.). And it makes me very sad that two people who could have had 3 kids together and been so much in love at one point can no longer stand eachother. I'm worried for my future. I never want to put my children through a divorce.

12. I think every single person I know is a bad driver. I rarely feel safe in a car unless I am driving. There are a select few I feel safe with...but the rest...I'm terrified of for some reason. It's really nothing against you...I just have a weird thing about driving.

13. All I want to be when I grow up is a wife and a mother. I know it sounds so "old world", but for some reason, I feel it in my bones that that is just what I have to do. The more I work with children the more I feel I will be a good mommy.

14. I want to adopt several children in my future, and be a foster parent. I think there is no better gift in life then being role model for a child.

15. I fear that I will be obese when I get older. I love food and being lazy too much. I need to find a way to get myself motivated!