Update: Losing weight

I just weighed myself. Turns out, I have lost 5 Lbs in the last 2 weeks! I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is! I am starting to feel thinner, and my pants are just a little looser. My goal is to lose 10lbs in a month. So, if I have lost 5 in 2 weeks, I am right in my goal! I am so proud of myself. It's not much longer until I get to my goal weight.

I want to look like how I did in highschool. When I still thought I was over weight, but I really wasn't. Looking at the pictures from back then (like the one I have pictured) just encourages me to keep working. 

I am starting to feel pretty proud of myself. I no longer "pant" when I get off the treadmill. I am starting to be able to do about 80 crunches a day without struggling. And I just feel great! I know I am gaining muscle too. It just feels great. 

I really hope I keep up the good work, and get down to the size I was in highschool. I still have my old pants...and one day, I will fit in them again. When that day comes, it will be amazing. 

My Tattoo

This is probably the closest idea to the tattoo I would like. I think I am finally comming to terms with the full idea of what tattoo I would like, and what I would like it to contain. The longer I sit around and think of the tattoo I want, the bigger my tattoo is becoming.



I just love the idea of cherry blossoms, and an owl. Cherry blossoms are a very common tattoo I know, but I love the beauty of them. And I love the symbolisim:



For the Japanese the cherry blossom holds very different meaning. The cherry blossom is a very delicate flower that blooms for a very short time. For the Japanese this represents the transience of life. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all life is suffering and transitory. The Japanese have long held strong to the Buddhist belief of the transitory nature of life and it is very noble to not get too attached to a particular outcome or not become emotional because it will all pass in time.

"All things must pass" is something I hold dear to my heart. The fact that no matter how tough life gets, you have to have faith that "All things must pass". This is something I have learned, and something I know from experience.

I love the idea of the owl. Owl's have a very special meaning for me.

My first date with Josh was in a state park. We sat by campfire light and talked for close to 3 hours. It was raining hard, but we didn't notice. The fire kept us warm, and the conversation kept us alive.

Late into the night we went our seperate ways. It had been an instant connection. He had all the right answers, and I said all the right things. I knew from the first date that there was something.

Driving through the dark pathways of the park my car came to a quick jolt as I slammed on my breaks. My headlights were the only thing that lit they way. As they turned around the corner the lights reflected off of huge glistening eyes. An owl was pearched in the middle of the road watching me. I can still see it today as if it is still right in front of me. He stared at me completly confidently. He knew me. We peared into eachothers eyes for several seconds, but it felt like an eternity. It read me completly. I could feel all the wisdom reach into me, and tell me it was going to be okay. He signified a change. He knew I had just embarked on a new adventure in my life. With a smile, he flew off into the night sky.

I knew at that momment that life had in fact changed forever.

The owl does not exactly signify Josh and I. It signifys a new change in my life. Before that night I had been depressed. I moved one day at a time. Sadly, through life. After my brother was in the hospital, I grew into a deep depression. I think the owl made me realize that things were changing for the better. And it was just a new starting point in my life.

New Phone

We went in to Verizon yesterday, and all of us got new phones! I got the new purple "rival". I am so obsessed with my new phone. I just love it, mainly because it is purple. It's so sleek and sexy, just like me. I'm so glad that everything worked out for the best with our phones.

Everything is actually working out for the best with most things with our "stolen" situation. Josh talked to his boss, and he took it very well (surprisingly) and he still has a job. It is all working out great.

Well, back to work. And to play with my new phone!

Stolen

Yesterday at the waterslides, Josh's fanny pack got stolen. This contained, Mine, Josh's, and Ivy's phone. Along with my driver's licence, $30 (damn), and Josh's entire wallet. This also conatined some belongings that were actually owned by Camp Horizen.

The cell phones, the drivers licences, and even my $30 can all be taken care of. But the items owned by Camp Horizon can not be replaced. He is afraid to call his boss(s) yet and tell them. He knows the reactions are not going to be pretty, and furthermore, he is afraid for his job. I can only imagine what is racing through his head right now.

I am less afraid for the camp then I am for Josh. This job means everything to him. He feels so animatly about working at the camp, and I know he is going to be heartbroken if he loses the job.

I know he feels like he would "let us down" if he lost the job, but I hope he knows that he wouldn't. No matter what happens, we will make the best of it. It might be fate that he lost the items. Maybe we weren't supposed to live there for longer. Maybe we are supposed to live in a house with my sister. Maybe it's a way out?

I tried to explain to him that no matter what happens, "god has a plan" but right now, he can't see it.

I know in my heart of hearts it will all work out the way it's supposed too. And I am defiantly a person who believes in fateIt will all work out for the best, I just know.

I always likes to look at the glass half full, and then Josh swallows what is in the glass and pisses in it. But I love him anyways.

You can leave the drugs and the alcohol at home, I'm fine with HGTV!

I don't know what draws me away from that crowd. I don't know what keeps my feet firmly planted in place. I don't know how I feel I can live my life the way I do, at my age. But, I do. And I openly enjoy it.

I enjoy waking up early on weekends, and working out in the morning. I enjoy cleaning my house all day and watching HGTV. I enjoy looking up recipes on foodnetwork.com and figuring out healthy choices for dinner. I love taking my dog for walks and going on hikes. I love hanging out with a few close friends and doing active things, or just lounging on the couch and watching T.V.

But, I feel, like I should be drawn away from the things that I love. I feel like people don't understand. And I feel like people hate me for it.

I do not like the "party scene" of my "college kid" age. I do not like to drink every weekend and blow my guts out the next morning. You can leave the drugs and alcohol at home, I'm fine with HGTV.

Don't get me wrong, there is a small thrill in the hallucinate stage of drunk stupidity, but it only lasts for moments until the cold reality sets in. I remember in high school when I first started the "party scene" I would cry myself to sleep every time I would get drunk. I just felt so bad. I was disappointed in myself for my stupid actions. I hated the way I felt, and I always regretted it. I would always hide my tears. I would hide them away, so my pears wouldn't find me foolish for not enjoying the life as much as they did.

I would hide away my tears, and have them remember how stupid I was. All I ever get is a double edged sword. On one end it's people asking me "Why don't/didn't you come to the party? You never party." and on the other end it's people saying, "Oh my goodness, It's drunk Amber again, she is so annoying." Either way, I am in the fault. I am a bad person for not wanting to drink every weekend, and I am a bad person for getting drunk and crazy. What do you want from me?

Well, I'm done with the question, "What do you want from me?" I think the real question is, "What do I want from Me?" I need to stop thinking about what others think about me, and just be true to myself.

I am not the girl who likes to party every weekend. I will probably never go out on a work night to drink. And I do not find it appropriate to (for myself) to come to work drunk.

This is absolutely not a "shout out" to anyone who does this. Because virtually everyone my age drinks several times a week, and there really is not much wrong with this. It is typical behavior for kids my age. All I am saying, is it is not my cup of tea. I am not a typical kid my age, but I think we have all already known this.

I am also not trying to say that I will never get plastered again, because we all know I will. I enjoy going out dancing. I enjoy having just enough to drink to make me feel good. I do enjoy all that. Just not all the time. Four times a year maybe?

I always knew that once I turned 21 it would take all the fun out of drinking, but I never knew I would feel this animate about it.

Very Random

Here are some very random pictures:

I need these teeth! They are awesome, and so me!

This is a picture I drew for josh, I am so talented.

This is Izzy being adorable! I told her to "be cute" and this is what she did : )

And this is Izzy looking like an idiot (like normal). I wish my camera could take a picture of her eyes, there is one blue eye, and one brown, but they always end up red in pictures, so I have to fix them. Piss!

Told you.....very random pictures. But I thought I would give you all updates of awesomenss sometimes : )



Now, have a great day.

A note about religion:

A friend of mine posted on her blog a tid bit about religion. This was my comment to her, I found myself pretty insightful, so I will post this to you for your thoughts:

I am too, sad for all the people who blindly just accept the faith that was "born to them". It is nice to be raised with faith, but, I don't know if it is necessarily right to raise a child in a religion. Religion, and believing, are very different subjects. I don't feel you give it (religion) a legitimate backing if you are just raised in the one religion, without knowing about all the others. Jesus wasn't raised christian, he was a Jew. Buddha was Hindu. Isn't religion clearer when you aren't blindly following it because you are told...but rather, find it yourself?

Any thoughts?

My pity party

Disclaimer: The following is my big pity party. If you don't want to hear me feel sorry for myself, then don't read further.

Lately I feel like there really aren't a lot of people that like me, or actually enjoy being around me. It never used to bother me; but, it really is starting to hit a nerve.

I have--for some reason--developed this "Super Hard Core Mega Bitch" persona. Everyone just thinks I am going to be a big bitch to them, or very rude. Yes, I do tend to always speak my mind, but I never really have realized how bitchy it could sound. By speaking my mind, I have never found it to be bitchy--because everyone else in my family speaks the same way--but to the outside world, I guess I am a bitch?

I think the thing that bothers me the most, is rather then people bringing it up to my face, they would rather talk behind my back. No one actually will tell me how they feel to their face. If they just got to know me a little better, they would know, that I am a very reasonable person. I am actually a very nice, respectful girl. I do care, and if you just brought it to my attention, I would stop.

I may seem like I don't care, but I honestly do.

I have a great inner circle of friends, don't get me wrong. I have a great inner circle, that really know who I am, and how I am. But the huge outer circle, I always feel will be there...because they want too. It's easier to just assume I am a bitch, and not get to know the real me. It's easier to just talk about me behind my back. But, it's not the mature thing to do.

I feel like I am just growing up faster then everyone else? I can look past how people were in high school, and see the real adult person. But, I guess I will just wait here for everyone else to grow up?

I guess I will just wait here, sober. While everyone can go get drunk with their youth. I'll still be waiting here when you all grow up, and meet me where I am.

I am ready to grow up, and see the real me. I wish everyone else could see the real me too? And, for that matter, I wish I could see the real you.

My future house...

I've decided that this is what my future house is going to look like. I love anything with the "cabin" feel. I love all the sceanery outside too. I need a well maintained yard. I think this is absolutly breathtaking.




This is my future kitchen

Living Room

(Except, lets change what's on the t.v to ANTM or HGTV, eh?)

This could work for my dinning/living room area as well. I do love the open feel!

Goodness, I just love the cabin feel. I hope one day I can master this look. I already know my purple couches are not going to do this look justice, but they are fun for now. I can't wait to have a place of my very own. But I guess, first I have to get a job I love.

Ha, and like owning my own daycare is going to suit my lifestyle...but I guess...you never know!!


Here's to hoping!!


But, one question before I leave...what does your dream home look like?

Cupcake

Doesn't that look absolutly delicioius? I bet it is. I just want one savory bite. Melting chocolate cascading in a river, one bite after another.

I just turned down a cupcake. Oh, it is way more difficult then I could have imagined. But I did it! No more fattie cupcakes for me.

Yes, I am proud of myself

Feels So Good

I actually woke up early this morning and walked on the treadmill for twenty minuets! Then I sat on the floor and did ab work outs and stretches for another twenty minuets. It felt so good. It was hard to pull myself out of bed and actually work out, but now that I have, it feels absolutely amazing. It was a great start to the day.



I have told myself that I will do some sort of activity EVERY DAY, regardless. Whether it be taking the dog for a walk, walking on the treadmill, or going on a hike, I will excersise daily. I haven't given myself an option for failure. I have told myself that this is something I have to do. And it is.



My doctor told me I have to lose weight, or I will get diabetes. So, I guess that was just the wake up call I needed. I need to start exercising and eating right. I need to be at least the weight I was in high school, if not less. It's no longer something I just want, it is something I actually need to stay healthy.



Now that I am actually starting to do some sort of exercise daily, I am actually enjoying it. I feel better. It's great.



I'm going to go buy a scale, and start tracking my success. I've never actually owned a scale, and that might have been my problem. I never actually know where I am as far as my weight.



Eat healthy, and be fit. I will do it. Here's to success!

Breaking Up is Hard to do

Some might say that I have never broken up with someone, other's realize the truth. There is not just a "romantic break-up". Every relationship you hold is bound to be broken up at some point: friends, family, acquaintances, etc. These are are all forms of relationships, just not all romantic.

I wish you could tell someone, "Things just aren't working out with us anymore" and actually break up with these un-romantic relationships; but with these relationships--breaking up is hard to do.

It might not be as emotionally difficult as breaking up with your significant other, but, it is difficult none the less. These are the people you had fun with, spent nights with, got drunk with, and shared all the fun experiences with. They know you. But, sometimes it is just time to say goodbye.

Sometimes these friends will hurt you so bad, that there is no recovery. They will cheat, and lie, and you will realize that you never actually knew them at all. But there is no real way to say, "Sorry, It's over" with a non-romantic acquaintance. You have to just cut all ties. No more texting, calling, inviting to parties. And you have to make sure no one else invites them to parties either. This could go on for months before they finally get the picture that they aren't welcome anymore.

Sometimes breaking up is the hardest thing you will have to do, but sometimes it is necessary for them to get the picture.

For the last 4 years we have been friends, you have never once been honest to me. You have never once been honest to your self. You have done nothing but lie to me, and lie to yourself. You have joked with me, laughed with me, and cried with me. We have shared a number of good times, and a number of bad times. We have been friends though thick and thin, but I have relized it was all a lie.

You claim you never liked me. It has taken you four years to man up and say how you feel. Four years too late. I can not believe someone can take that long to say how they truly feel about someone. I can not believe you could pretend to like me for that long, and not be true to yourself. I can not believe it took you this long to man up, and tell me how your truely feel.

I ammend you for letting me know. But, I do not know what you want me to make of this? And even if we can learn to get passed these years of dis-honesty, do I even want to be friends again? Why would I ever set my emotions out on the line when I know someone is just going to shoot them down? Why would I ever want to be friends with someone who can not stand up for themselves or be honest with themselves.

I know you were finally trying to stand up for yourself, but you have to know it was too late. Maybe next time you will learn to just put your true feelings out for everyone to see. Next time it wont take you so long to be true to yourself.

I do hope that one day we can look passed all this. I hope one day you will grow up and learn you were also in fault. But, untill then, I guess this is goodbye.

I hope the best for you. I do still care about you as a friend, and I wish nothing more then you to be happy. But untill we can talk again, goodbye.

Izzy

Josh and I got a new member to our family! Izzy is the cutest puppy in the world, and I am not just saying it because it is mine either! 

She has been such a little terror lately. She just got to her "puppy" stage. So my new name for her is "chomper".

It's super cute, because she already knows her name. And then when you call her, she comes and bites you...Adorable? HA!!! 

But even with all her "annoying ness" she is still by little baby!! I love her!

Healthy

I need to be healthy. I need to become the person I want to be. In order to do that, I need motivation.

I remember when people used to think I was "tiny", and I haven't heard that for a while. I need to get back to that state again.

With my job, living on my own, insulin definciancy, and laziness, I have gained an unhealthy amount of weight. I have actually gotten to a stage where I do not think I am attractive, which as you should know, is very strange for me. I tend to where scarves to cover my neck, because I don't like how I am starting to grow a second chin. I wear clothes that are way to big for me, so I don't have to show my curves. I usually tend to turn down going "swimming" because the thought of people seeing me in a swim suit is utterly disgusting.

I am actually uncomfortable in the body I am in, but it is so hard to change. Especially in the environment I am living in. There are always sweets assessable to me. There is always sugar, white bread, desserts, fried food, processed food, and other food that isn't so good for me, always within reach.

I need to just have my own shelf, buy my own food, make my own meals, and have them all ready for me. No more sharing. Only caring for my body.

I need to get into the Buddhist persona: food is for nourishing the body only, and doesn't need to be enjoyed. I need to learn to eat what is good for me, and not what tastes good.

And most of all, I need to get off my lazy ass and exercises. An hour a day. It really shouldn't be too hard. I need to wake up earlier, and exercise before I go to work. Or come home and exercise.

So this is it. I'm going to start being healthy, from this point out. Nothing can stop me until I get back to the weight I was in high school at least: 120lbs. That is my plan. I need to at least get to that goal. I need to be able to fit in my old pants. I need to be happy with my body again.

Starting now. No option.

I need to be healthy.

Home Sweet Home?

Growing up I was always told that, "When you move out and have your own home then you can do things your way." But, I've come to realize that statement does not hold true in the real world. I'm out, I'm on my own, but I'm not really on my own. I don't think I will ever be on my own.

When you live with someone it is no longer "your way" or "there way" it has to now be "our way", and unless your partner agrees with you on everything (which let's face it...it's a rarity), they comprimises have to be made. Lately, I feel like I have to comprimise on everything.

It is very important to me to live in a nice house, with nice things. It sounds very superficial, but, that's just how I am. I will not go get a "free chair" out of the garbage, just because it is free and I need a chair. I will live without a chair and wait untill I can afford to buy the one I really love. Then I will have that thing I love forever. I would rather wait to have something nice, then have it now for free.

I absolutly hate "mess" of any kind. I hate clutter. If it is something you don't use, then get rid of it. I hate getting things that, "MIGHT come in handy one day", or "If I just tear this off, and put this on then I MIGHT be able to get this running and it COULD actually work". I hate "nick knacks". I need my house to be clutter free, so my mind can be clutter free as well. I am not happy in a house that is full of, "crap".

I need my house to be well decorated. I need things to match. I like there to be a color scheme, and things to look like I intentially put them there.

I absolutly HATE cleaning up other peoples mess. If you want to really piss me off. Then you can come over to my house, dirty a dish, and not rinse it off. But, I would rather you not piss me off. I think me, cleaning up your mess, is the most annoying thing in the entire world. You are an adult, you are perfectly capable of doing this yourself.

These are all things that I have to sacrifice to live with anyone: roomate, boyfriend, spouse, anyone. I feel like I am sacraficing all these things just to not be alone. I have to sacrifice the things that keep me sane and make me happy, just so I don't end up alone.

But then I have to wonder, would I be happier alone?

Pursuing My Future Dreams

I wish I could pursue my dreams now. I wish it didn’t cost so much to pursue anything. And, most of all, I wish money wasn’t a factor in happiness.

The reason I haven’t gone back to school sooner is money. I am not financially stable enough to go to school using my own money. And, I am not financially stable enough to go back to school if I don’t have a set degree. If/when I go back to school I have to have a set career track in mind. I can’t just go back for fun.

Ultimately, I want to work with children. I absolutely love working with children. Now I just have to get a straight career path set up. As of now, my goal is to go back to school Fall quarter 2010. I will be working for my two year degree in Early Childhood Education. In the hopes that one day I will be able to own my own daycare.

I have considered going back to school to be an elementary school teacher, but honestly, I know the university life just isn’t for me. Western is not my cup of tea, and I there is no way I can afford an “out of state college” nor am I willing to move away too far.

I have too many responsibilities at home to be able to go to an out of state or “out of area” college.

I also know I will not enjoy being an Elementary School Teacher in the long run, because I would still have to leave my own future children for work. It is very important to me to be able to stay home with my future children. I would love to eventually be a stay-at-home-mommy but, with the current economy, I also know that is more likely not possible. With owning my own day care, I will be able to bring in an income, as well as bring my children to work with me.

I just want to get started with my future career goals, NOW. But, I am being held back financially. I have to wait until next year’s school year, so I can apply for financial aid and scholarships. I am also very worried about the fact that I would have to quit my job here at WECU. WECU offers me a 401K, Medical Benefits, as well as annual bonus’. I am financially stable at this job, and some my find it irresponsible of me to give this up for a career that pays minimum wage. But I think ultimately I have to find something that will make me happy rather then something that pays well.

As I stated yesterday, “I only have patience in life with two things: dogs, and children. Everything else better just hurry the hell up!”

My New Computer

I took out a loan to get a computer yesterday! I am way more excited then I should be. I haven't ever had a computer of my own, which is strange now a days I have heard. This this will be all mine. I took out a loan for it like an adult.

I'm getting a Mac Book, and yes, I am going to buy a purple cover to go over it as well! I am so excited. This weekend, I will no longer have to borrow peoples computers to check my email. I will actually be able to download the pictures off my camera. I can use the computer whenever I want, and don't have to depend on anyone else.

It's strange how much my life revolves around computers, but i guess that is just how it works now a days right?

I am so excited : )

Insulin Resistance

I have been diagnosed with Insulin Resistance. And now that I have posted it on my blog, that makes it official right? Things are always more real once you put them in the public eye.

Insulin Resistance sounds scary, but it really isn’t. Basically, I am just “pre-diabetic”. “Insulin resistance is a condition in which the body produces insulin but does not use it properly”, basically my body will store the insulin in fat particles rather then distribute it properly throughout my body. This makes it very easy for me to put on weight, and very difficult for me to lose it, if I don’t eat properly.

I have probably had Insulin Resistance my entire life, but I have always eaten properly, since recently. Growing up we ate whole grains, lots of fruits and veggies, and very lean meat. Since I have moved out on my own, I have bought the cheapest food I can fine: white bread, potatoes, pastas, and cheap meat. These kinds of things are very bad for me, and will cause rapid weight gain as well as make me very tired and bitchy because my body is not being properly nourished.

Obviously, I am not blaming my weight gain in these last several years on my condition (because I am ultimately pretty lazy), but it is a factor that I have to consider now with any diet.

What does this all mean? Basically, in order for me to be healthy, I have to eat as though I am diabetic. No white breads, starches (such as potatoes), sugar, salts, basically anything that tastes really good, but isn’t healthy. I have to stick to a whole grain diet, with lots of protein and veggies. Not all too bad eh?

So, when I say “no” when you offer me cookies, sweets, white breads, and many bad carbs, I am not saying “no” to you, I just can no longer eat those things.

Insulin Resistance can be controlled, and even reversed, so I guess I can just hope for the best. And hope my “pre-diabetes” does not turn into full blown “diabetes”.

Facebook/Myspace

My life, as well as the lives of a majority of my friends, has seemed to become “Myspace” and “Facebook” co-dependant. More and more decisions I have in my life are based on facts I have learned through these sites, rather then through life experiences. Would life be different without these social networks?

I remember when it was perfectly normal to call your friend up and ask, “What are you doing tonight?” Then you got to actually listen to them make up a phony excuse on the spot, and not have to wait for a response (constantly logging back into Facebook to see if they have responded yet).

I remember when I actually had to tell people about a party, and not just send a “group invite”.

I remember when there was not second guessing, when you got a clear response, and when things were more personal.

I remember when I used to take pictures because I wanted to remember the occasion, and not because I needed a new Facebook album.

I remember when “Good” photography wasn’t based on how many comments you got on your picture, but rather, actually being a “Good” photographer.

Ha, do you remember when people wanted to be something other then a photographer?? It seems like everyone goes through the “photographer” stage now that we have these social networks.

I was thinking about my 10 year high school reunion the other day. And realized, it’s really not going to be a big shock. I can see any of my classmates on their Facebook today if I want too. I can check on them. See which ones are married, pregnant, got fat, graduated college, etc. Is the 10 year reunion really going to be such a big deal? Are these social networks ruining to fun in a lot of things?

If these social networks are ruining the fun, are the ruining more? Relationships? Socializing? I think so.

If you have a big problem with someone, do you call them and meet with them to talk it out? Or do you just send them a Facebook message?

Communication is lost.

I don’t know what I am trying to prove with this. I guess a lot of things. I am getting of on one million tangents.
I guess I am really just trying to say, I really hate social networks. And I think I am done.