Christmas

This christmas I had to celebrate it four times. It gets super exhausting after a while. I used to dream that christmas would last several days, but now it's my dream that it will only last for one again. Isn't it funny how things change?

Day One (christmas eve): My Dads House

My dads house was pretty fun. We ate the traditional "Green Fetichini and Marinara Sauce" that we have every christmas eve. Talked, Laughed, and enjoyed being around eachother. It was funny. My dad and I both got eachother the same thing: a letter saying that we were making eachother something and it wasn't done yet! HA! He is making me a clock! I'm painting him a picture. Cute! We are so funny! We had a pretty good laugh.

My brother got me deodorizers. What a little brother.... HA!

Later that evening we went to Josh's parents to celebrate christmas with the immediate family. It was fun, because this year they included me in it! I was pretty happy. Josh and I have been together for 4 years, and this is our 5th christmas together, so I think it's kinda natural that I am there. We each got a cute little stocking with candies, and a bunch of random things (HoHo's, Sanitizing wipes, USB drives, Fans,), along with awesome Hats (Pictured to the right). Jenny, Josh, and I all got matching hats! We love them!

They also got us "family tickets" for all five of us to go see "Arlo Guthrie and Family" in May. I'm not the biggest of fans. But it's good ol' fashion folk music, and it will be a good ol' fashion time with the family, so it should be fun!

Day Two (Christmas Day):

Josh woke up, and I had laid out an entire christmas morning for him! I filled his stocking, got hot coco ready and put a breakfast casserole in the oven!

We had our very own little christmas morning. Just the two of us. It was absolutely wonderful. I have to admit, small quiet christmas' are the best!

After opening gifts we met up with Ivy (who had to work) and went to Josh's aunts house for supper. And I guess what happened there is best described in pictures:

The Girls

Us! We were stuffed!

The Kids Table Rules! I hope I never get too old to sit at the kids table!

Stuffed!

Stuffed!

Worst Christmas Present EVER!

And this is when things started to get really weird:

This is Colin. He got a new computer for christmas. I kept saying, "Oh, is that your new computer?" OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. He got so annoyed at me. This is his, "AMBER SHUT UP" face. I laughed for like 10 mins after I took this picture. So he was even more annoyed. I'm the best cousin ever I think.

DAY THREE: My Moms House--

Yesterday we went to my moms house for christmas. My grandparents were up, and we got to hang out with them all day. It was really nice because I haven't got to see my grandparents in a while. And since I was around my biological family it felt a little more "christmassy"....until we opened gifts.

I know christmas is not about gifts. If no one had received gifts I would have been happy to just be around my family and the ones I loved. I wouldn't have cared at all. But we did receive gifts. I am completely grateful to receive a gift, and I don't want below to sound like I am a completely greedy person, but it's just what is in my mind.

A little back story: My grandma writes a "family letter" every year in her christmas cards, to tell everyone where they are in life, and where all her kids and grandkids are. Most years she has gotten things completely wrong about me, but this year it is so wrong it was almost upsetting. She refferd to Josh as my "Fiance". I was a little annoyed. Because I am not engaged, and now my whole family thinks I am. It's supposed to be special, and by saying that it is taking a little bit of it away.

Anyways, for christmas, it got worse. This year I didn't receive any of my own gifts from my grandma, they were all joint for me and Josh. All of them. My Sister received a $100 visa gift card, My brother received a $100 visa gift card, My mom received a $500 visa gift card, and I get to split my $100 visa gift card with Josh, so I only got $50. Now don't get me wrong $50 is a wonderful gift, and if Josh and I were engaged and sharing everything it would be no big deal. But the fact is, Josh and I are NOT engaged, and it's just ME! I don't mean to sound like a baby,but: I'm not engaged, so the world is still about ME ME ME, MINE MINE MINE!!! HA!

The clincher is that the other gift we got was an "Engagement Keepsake Box" (Pictured to the right). It is a beautiful box, and again, if I were engaged, I would have no problem with it. But I'm not. So basically it is just a big slap in the face. While I was opening it I was trying to hold back tears, not for happiness, but because I was so upset. She knows we aren't engaged, but she says that we are "practically engaged" so she thought it would be okay. Well, I don't know what "practically engaged" means to her, but personally, I don't think it means, "We are waiting several YEARS to finish college before doing anything like that". Josh isn't anywhere CLOSE to proposing, and so this gift is more just a slap in the face then something cute. I know that isn't what she meant to do at all, but, it's just how I feel.

I think the reason I am so upset is because there is a little part of me that sees everyone else either married, or engaged, and there is that little part of me that wants that too. So it's just rubbing it in my face that that isn't going to happen for a while.

So, basically. That is my christmas in a nutshell. There were ups and downs, and it was different then ever before. Christmas isn't the same like when you were younger, sometimes it sucks growing up, but if you are able to keep hold of your youth, you will always have fun moments.

Where did Christmas Sprit go?

I remember when I was young I would get this huge "christmas feeling" in my body. I would be so happy the whole season, and so excited. It was this deep feeling of christmas that came from way deep within. But, I don't get that feeling anymore. I still get excited for christmas, but the feeling is different. The feeling isn't warm anymore. It's dull.

I don't feel the anticipation for christmas. I'm excited for it to come and go. I love doing "christmassy" stuff: decorate the tree, christmas shopping, baking, decorating, etc. But, I don't get the excited feeling that "christmas is just 2 days away...etc.". It's just another day.

I always thought it was strange how adults weren't as excited as children. But now that I am there, I understand. Christmas is exciting, and a great time of the year, but it is just another day.

My mom told me that when I have kids of my own I will feel the anticipation again, as I see it in their eyes. But, until then, I just get this.

Christmas is two days away, and it hardly feels like the season has begun.

Growing Up: In Style

A small confession. My 21st birthday was not the first time I got drunk. I know, shocker right? I've never been much of a drinker, but I have gone to several parties. They were always all right, and the first couple times were really fun. But, the drunk stories can only last so long before they are boring. "So and So was a freaking idiot" stories can only go so far before it's the same old same old. And drinking really isn't the greatest form of entertainment.

This past year that I have actually been 21 and have been old enough to "experiment" with drinking has simply been a bore. I've got drunk...um...three or four times. And each time was more fun before and after I drank. I've regretting drinking everytime. And something always goes wrong: an argument, an emotional cry, a drama. Something that wouldn't have happened if everyone was sober goes on, and makes it slightly less fun.

This last time I drank, I vomited. I'm not going to glamorize this at all. I drank a total of 4 drinks (which is nothing!), and vomited for a total of 10 mins outside, and have been vomiting for a total of 2 days after. I have a feeling it is a slight bug that is going around, but it was escalated by my own stupid behavior. If I had not have drank, I would not have been in this much agony 2 days later. As I learched my body over the porch banister vomiting all my bodily fluids for a period of ten minuets; held my knees to my stomach the whole night, only to wake up by me vomiting beside my bed, I came to a small realization. Is it really worth it? Is it really worth all the agony and self loathing in order for an hour or two of the thrill? Is it really worth starting down the path of the other alcoholics of my family?

Not when I have more fun and am a lot healthier without it. It was funny, but this weekend I hosted a party for my best friend. It was her 21st birthday party, and boy did I have a blast. BUT, I had more fun before I actually drank then when I was drunk. The whole party was such a fun idea. It was a masquerade! And yes, we did it in style:

GLAMOUROUS!

Lady Gaga-esque!

The Sexy Birthday Girl!

Yea, I though I was absolutely hilarious. For those of you who know how to play "kings cup", I'm holding up a "six for dicks" card. Yea...funny?? HA!

"JENNEY!"

The Cute Couple!

Yes, we know how to through a party!

What a spread for a 21st birthday eh???

Josh's Mask was absolutely terrifying, but not as terrifying as what the innuendo of this picture represents.

All those pictures were BEFORE anyone drank.

Now, I am obviously not guaranteeing that I am never going to drink again--I do enjoy a nice glass of wine here and there. But I think the start of one 21 run is the end of another. The beginning of my best friends 21st year, is the end of mine. It's time to pass the torch. I love going out. I love dressing up. But I don't think my body enjoys me drinking. I'm growing up in style. Passing the torch, and becoming the official designated driver. Every group needs one right???

Happy Birthday Kayla, I honestly had a lot of fun!

Deck the Halls with Bows of Holly....

Fa La La La La, La La La La! I've been super busy decorating for christmas, and getting ready. Getting everyones presents in order, and getting plans ready. I'm so proud of how cute my house is, it's not as decorated as normal, but it is still pretty festive! Here are some pictures:

I have a little village above my t.v! It's so cute. I've always wanted a little christmas village, and I finally have one. The picture above are my little figurines of "Amber and Josh"...that's what I call them at least!

The church is my favorite part of the village. The window lights up so beautifully!

The Church

I've always been in love with HUGE christmas trees! So, I made Josh get one of the biggest ones in the field. We went to Manthys and cut it down ourselves! Next year we will need to remember to have a truck....HA! It defiantly looked like "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation"

Josh added a mask to our tree, I like the way it looks actually!

Although, I will have to admit the mask looks pretty creepy at some points. Other then that, the tree is beautiful!

The Dinning Room

Izzy was so confused! She thought I was taking a picture of her, obviously! HA!

I just love christmas! These are just two rooms of my house. My whole house is decorated. But I love how the living room/dinning room turned out! So festive!

Can't wait for christmas!

Selfish

I don't know if this is how the world normally is, or I have just noticed it a lot more lately because it's the holiday season. The holiday season is the time for giving, and thinking of others. Lately, all I have felt is the ideas of selfish/self-centered people.

Why is it that no one can think of anyone besides themselves? Why is everyone so self centered? It's a rarity to find someone that will actually ask, "How are you?" rather then, "Gosh, my day was shitty". Someone who actually wants to hear about your day, rather then someone who only wants to tell you about theirs. No one really cares enough to ask anyone if they are "okay", they just want a conversation starter to talk about themselves.

I'm sick of all this. I spend my whole life caring. I'm always, "the mom", wanting to make sure everyone is okay, and everyone is having a good time. I wish more people just had that naturally.

Update: Izzy

Isabella George Honrud-Craig's test results came back negative, my baby is going to be okay! I'm so happy!

Blue Christmas

My mom always told me that sometimes people just get sad around christmas time. I never understood what she was talking about. I always though she was crazy, and never really took much truth to what she was saying. But as I have gotten older, I have realized this to be true. Christmas just isn't that happy holiday it used to be when you were in gradeschool. There isn't a different craft everyday, and the endless christmas music and movies. There is so much more.

Now, there is the presents, and the family parties, and having to it all in a timely manner without going broke or going crazy. All with a giant smile on your face and love in your heart. It's so stressful.

But, for some reason, all the normal stress hasn't gotten to me. And I still have this saddness in my heart. I sit here with a heavy heart and sadness on my face, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I just feel like crying, I guess this is my "blue christmas"

I'm still in this mood where I don't want to be around anyone for long, because they just annoy me. I don't want to read facebook status' because I just roll my eyes. I never want to read a text, because it's probably someone texting to be annoying. I'm happy being a hermit, but I'm sad being alone. It's a sad conundrum that has been worrying me lately. All I want to do is be alone, but I feel lonely. It's a bitter circle.

A Simple Routine

Isn't She Sweet???

I took my dog into the vet this morning for a simple routine "spay". They asked me if I wanted to get blood work done before she got spayed. I said "why not". It was an extra $50, so what they hay. I've been going to this vet--or taking my animals there rather--for years, so I trust them a lot.

I am very glad I got the blood work done. After a simple test they found out that my poor baby Isabella George Honrud-Craig might have something wrong with her liver. They said that if they put her under regular anesthetic she might not wake up. So, instead of the simple routine "spay", she got more blood work done, and more tests done to figure out exactly what is wrong.

We get the test results back tomorrow, and they will let us know our options then. I'm so worried for my poor baby Izzy!!! It's all I can think about. I treat her like my baby, and now my baby might be sick. : (

I hope when we get the test results back tomorrow, everything turns out fine! I can't wait to find out.

False Expectations

Why are we censoring reality? Is there such a thing as sheltering the world too much?

Yes, I believe in happy endings. I believe that there are "happily ever afters" but I also believe that "happily ever afters" can only go on so long. Eventually you die. Eventually it all ends. And there is no stopping it. Sorry, I'm blunt, simple and too the point. But, I don't censor, like now-a-days.

The fairy-tails that our great-great-grandmothers grew up with were real. The little mermaid never got her prince, the evil stepsisters carved their feet off, and snow white died. Simply put: they were real fairy-tails. There was none of this "happily ever after" that we think there was.

I understand that sheltering your kids from reality is a great job of a parent, but really, is there too much. Take the most popular series now-a-days "Twilight", is this really a great example that we should be giving our kids *SPOILER ALLERT*. Among all odds, there is a "happily ever after". Everything ends up being absolutly perfect when you are 18 years old, and your first love will be the love of your life forever and eternity. Seriously dudes. That is not how it works. Most of the time highschool love isn't really highschool love, and your marriage at 18 is most likely not going to work. Simple story. Why are we giving kids all these false expectations of how "life really is".*SPOILER OVER*

Isn't this all just setting people up for an even bigger dissapointment? If you are expecting to find the love of your life when you are 18, getting married, and living "happily ever after", wouldn't you be more dissapointed then if you believe that love happens when it happens, and it might not for a long time. Seriously. I hate all these false expectations.

Here is the true story: Life sucks sometimes, you don't always get what you want, and life doesn't work out the way your plan. BUT, there are times that are amazing, there are moments that take your breath away, and life truly is worth living. Shoot for the stars, but if you only make it half way, be happy nestling in the clouds because you will know that was the best you could do, and you tried your hardest.

There are no "Happily Ever Afters", but as long as you live happy, there are "Happily Ever Todays".

"Cleaning"

I'm trying to clean away some old pieces of me. I deleted my old facebook page. I was obsessed. I would stay on for hours at a time just to see what people's status updates where. People that I didn't even care about, or really know that well. A very random mutual acquaintance you met one time at a party is suddenly your friend on facebook, and now, every status update is part of your life. It seems like this is the new way of life. And I am just sick of it.

I'm starting to clean away my old slate. And start to get more into the realness of life. Away from the cyber space of it all. If people are really my friends they don't need to contact me via the internet. They can contact me in person. Simple enough.

I'm done with all this drama on facebook. People trying to make random statements with their status'. Trying to look cool by what they say. Bragging about how drunk they are by posting 10million drunk pictures for the world to see. I'm done with it all. I don't need to see another "photography" album from a random 17 year old who is now suddenly a photographer. I don't want people to back talk me any more via wall posts. I don't "like" status' and you don't "like" mine. Simple enough.

Facebook is just done. I'm sick of it. So I'm cleaning the slate, the best I know how. I can not delete facebook all together, because honestly, it is a great way to find people you have lost contact with, but I can delete how I used to use it. I deleted my old facebook, all it's pictures, all the comments, all the EVERYTHING and started a new one. I'm only going to be accepting friends I want to keep. And will not be tagging anyone in pictures (or myself). No one needs to be on the internet 10million times, and frankly no on cares that much.

I'm done with facebook drama. Done!

I'm cleaning.

Dependancy

There are times when I feel ashamed to tell the people I am close to what my ultimate "career choice" is, and there are other times when I feel completely comfortable. Most of the time I feel ashamed. I think it is mainly because I know that so many people that are close to me look down on it. They can't see the bigger picture, and think I am selling myself short.

I do not view my choice as selling myself short, I view it as doing something that I know I will absolutely love. My ultimate choice is that I want to be a mom. That is it. Nothing else matters to me. I think that is why I am so wishy washy about school, and any job I have until I become I mommy. I know that any career I chose now I am going to give up for the future, and I know that any career I choose to peruse with schooling is something I am going to give up as well. So, it has taken me a while to think of a "what's the point"? Aspect.

Honestly, I am a planner. I need some sort of plan in my life. Right now I can not "plan" to raise a family, so I need another plan in my life until my ultimate plan can start unraveling. My plan as of now is to get my degree in Early Childhood Education (what can I say, I love kids) and one day own my own daycare. I believe that if I own my own at home daycare, that will be something that I can still do once I have kids without giving up being a "stay at home mom". I need to have this small plan, before I can start on the big one.

I see all these people that are young having children, and I am jealous. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could start now. But on the other hand, there are things that I know I should do first, like: be financially stable for one! HA!

It is just a bummer when your ultimate career is one dependent on another person.