Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Yep, Just Me

The last several days have had their majior ups, and maijor downs. They have all just blurred: one into eachother. But, now, I think I am finally coming out of the other side of this bipolar train.

I have decided to keep my head high, and keep moving forward. I can't go back and change the past. I can't make what has happend go away. The most I can do is move on and move forward. So I am.

I went apartment hunting today. I need to find my own place. I drove around bellingham, by myself, and just looked. I walked into countless leasing offices and asked if they had any one bedroom apartments available in January. They all asked, "Is it just for you?" At first, I reluctently said, "Uh...yes, yes, just me" At first, it hurt to be saying that it was just me, all alone. But as I walked from office to office, I slowly realized, "wait, yes! It is just ME!" That is it! I am the only person I need to worry about. I only have to worry about what is best for me. And towards the end of my hunt of the day, the answer was, "YEP! JUST ME!" Very confidently, with pride. I actually got a little boost of confidence, thinking I was taking care of myself. I was working for no one in a sense.

Yep, It is just me!

For the first time since everything happend, I felt...okay. Like things might actually be...okay. Weird.

Me

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Closeness

Today was a little easier. I was able to not cry for most of the day. It wasn't until the end of the day at work that I began to get a little teary.

At work there was a thanksgiving dessert for all the parents and families of the kids. It was cute! All the parents came in and sat next to their kids and watched them decorate cookies : ) Watching the cute kids didn't make me sad, it was their parents interactions that did. I watched one father take a bite of a cookie then offer his wife a bite. That simple act made me tear up.

It is mainly the closeness I will miss with Josh. The closeness with another individual. Where you just want to sit beside them, because that act makes you feel better. You want to share everything with them, even if it just a bite of a cookie. You can't help but hold their hand as you walk down the street.

The closeness. That is what I will miss the most.

I went home this evening, and Josh was there. I made a mistake and cried in his arms about it. It made me feel better. I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I didn't. I know I shouldn't talk to Josh about how sad he is making me, but, he's there. He always has been. And still, he is the only one I want to talk too.

So, as I was leaving to go to my moms tonight, I took off the keychain that Josh bought me and put it on the counter as I was leaving. My keychain is a little lighter, and so is my heart.

I slammed the door as I was leaving, then called Josh to appologize for being so upset.

I shouldn't appologize.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Last Night

I woke up last night, thinking you were beside me. I reached over to you and realized you weren't there. I jumped up, worried, and thought you skidded off the road in the ice. I looked outside and saw your car and realized, "Oh". You aren't going to be beside me in my bed anymore. I'm going to be sleeping alone.

I should be angry that after five years you didn't want to try anymore. I should be pissed, that you "gave up". But I'm not. I can't be mad at you, because I still love you more then anything. And I wish I didn't.

I still feel like when I come home, you will be here. I still want to call you on my lunch, and rush home to see you after work. And, although I should be angry at you, if you were here tomorrow saying you made a mistake and wanted to work things out, I would say yes.

But you aren't. You aren't comming back. And I need to try to find a way to move on.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I am Completely Heartbroken

I used to say how lucky I was that I never had to feel true heartbreak, and I had convinced myself I never would. But, It's here. I feel heartbreak, and let me tell you, it's worse then what it sounds like.

I am 100% completly heartbroken at the momment. Last Sunday J and I decided to go on a break. So, since then I have been a total wreck. Monday, I cried all day at work. Same with tuesday. I didn't eat a full meal in 4 days, and I lost 5lbs. It's been awful. As the days go by, it's not getting better, but worse. Yesterday, I had a panic attack, where I cried on the floor for two hours. My mom said she has never seen me this low, and said if I don't cheer up, I'm going to put myself into a depression.

I know, I have always been dramatic eh? But, I think this is the bombshell.

Here is what is going on between J and I:

On sunday J brought up the fact that he feels I am not as "into" barborshop as he wants me to be. He said that barborshop is a family, and I am like the emo cousin that no one wants to talk too. So basically, that is how the conversation started.

Then it went on to the fact that both of us have been feeling a distance with eachother in the last couple months. We have just gotten into a rut. We come home, sleep, go to work, repeat. That is it. No fun. Nothing. And, we were wondering if the part in our lives that is not going so well, is US together.

So, at that point, we decided to end things. About an hour later, (after crying up a storm, on both ends), I suggested just having a break, instead of actually breaking up. I couldn't handle the thought of losing him, and losing everything we had worked for. So I gave him until monday evening to decide if he wanted just a break or not. Monday I was a wreck. I came home, and J had decided that he did just want a break.

I went to my moms house, cried for an hour. My Step Dad suggested that I stay at thier house in the guest room, in order to really clear my head. And, I agreed. I thought the space during the break might be a good idea.

Monday night, I went home home. J was gone. He had clean the whole house, left all the money he owns me on the fridge, clean out the back room, put a mattress down, and made my bed. He never came home that night. I cried myself to sleep.

The next day, I went to work, then came home to grab my stuff. Josh was there. He had been crying all day. And as I went into my room, I could hear him in the living room crying. It was awful. I left, and cried all the way to moms.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were all a blur.

Friday, I was at play rehersal, and it started snowing. That was a girls night I had planned. I was planning on just going out and forgetting about it. But, I ended up just having to go home. I went HOME HOME. I had too. It was snowing. When I got there, josh had been snowed in too. So we talked.

He misses me. He said that I am the love of his life, but he is worried that if we don't have our time to grow when we are younger, we will grow to resent eachother. He doesn't want to date other people, but he is worried we would regret it if we don't give it the chance now.

He said he loves me more then anything in the world, and he is also worried that if we break-up he will lose the most important thing in the world to him: me.

So, he is torn.

I am not.

I want to be with him more then anything in the world. I see his side. Completly. I understand where he is coming from with the whole "seperating while we are still young" bit. But, I do not want to lose him. He is 100% the love of my life. And I don't want to lose him.

Right now I am worried that what will happen is we will break-up, I'lll move out. Lose everything (my dog, my house, all my money in savings, I wont be able to afford to go back to school with the higher rent, etc.) and then in a few months, he will realize he made a big mistake, and want me back. AFTER, everything we have worked for is gone.

I feel like we have put so much into the relationship, that it is sad to let it go without even trying. We are still completely in love with eachother. We want nothing more then to be with eachother, we just need to grow. And I understand. But, I feel like if we just gave up now, we would regret it. With everything we put into it, I feel like we might have to treat it like a "marriage". We share EVERYTHING. It's going to be so hard to just let go. So I feel like we should at least try to work on things before just giving up. "

The sad thing is, I never considered this would happen. I figured that, "Love Conquers All". But I guess it doesn't.

Josh said that he has some growing up to do. He feels like staying with me is a commitment for the rest of his life, and he isn't ready for that yet. If he feels like that, I have to let him go, no matter how much it hurts.

I would like to think that one day, we will be together again, but I know that is an unhealthy way to think about it.

I suppose, one way or the other, it will all work out. I just can't see it now.

I'm just so sad. : (

I wish I could say he was a Jerk. But I can't. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and the last five years have been a dream come true. He is the first man I ever loved, the first man I ever kissed, me have a house, and a dog together, we share a life. And now that life is over. I have to start new, I have to let go of him.

I am still completely in love. When we actually broke up, I cried harder then I ever had before. I had a panic attack. It was awful. Then I begged. I begged him to stay with me and give me another chance. But I knew, i would eventually have to let him go, if I really cared about him. I can't beg someone to stay with me, no matter how much I love them.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

I don't know where to go from here.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Movie: Driving Lessons


A while back, I watched a fabulous movie: "Driving Lessons" I'm not even going to describe it to you. I just want you to watch it. Please. It's excelent. Trust me.


My Favorite Quote:

" Ask yourselves this question; How is a person truly free until they can think and act for themselves? God gave us free will so that we could choose His love. You see, He wanted us to understand our commitment. To be grown up about it. If you ask me, "Am I Christian?", I say to you, if you strive to do good, then you're a Christian. If you don't seek to hurt or betray others, you're a Christian. If you're true to yourself and treat others as you'd have them treat you, you're a Christian. The more a person parades their Christianity for the benefit of other, the less I'm inclined to trust the Christianity they claim to bring. God tells us, true faith is the freedom to choose truth. Now, how you express that, the way, the manner, the means at your disposal, these things are of no consequence, be you Christian or Atheist - unless in your heart you are true."


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Blogging

I was talking to a friend the other day, and we were discussing the subject of "blogging". We both realized that we really only blog when we are depressed. And sometimes we say things on blogs that we don't really mean, but we are just in such a crappy mood, we have to say it. And after looking back at some blogs, I have realized that this can definatly be the case. Some of my blogs seem to be very wishy washy, one blog will be super happy, and the next will complete negate the previous one. How annoying. But really, after thinking it over: isn't that how life is? Some days, you will be in a complete crappy mood, where nothing goes right, then the next, something happens that is completely amazing, and your mood just skyrockets?! I guess, my style of "Blogging" is just real?