I am Completely Heartbroken

I used to say how lucky I was that I never had to feel true heartbreak, and I had convinced myself I never would. But, It's here. I feel heartbreak, and let me tell you, it's worse then what it sounds like.

I am 100% completly heartbroken at the momment. Last Sunday J and I decided to go on a break. So, since then I have been a total wreck. Monday, I cried all day at work. Same with tuesday. I didn't eat a full meal in 4 days, and I lost 5lbs. It's been awful. As the days go by, it's not getting better, but worse. Yesterday, I had a panic attack, where I cried on the floor for two hours. My mom said she has never seen me this low, and said if I don't cheer up, I'm going to put myself into a depression.

I know, I have always been dramatic eh? But, I think this is the bombshell.

Here is what is going on between J and I:

On sunday J brought up the fact that he feels I am not as "into" barborshop as he wants me to be. He said that barborshop is a family, and I am like the emo cousin that no one wants to talk too. So basically, that is how the conversation started.

Then it went on to the fact that both of us have been feeling a distance with eachother in the last couple months. We have just gotten into a rut. We come home, sleep, go to work, repeat. That is it. No fun. Nothing. And, we were wondering if the part in our lives that is not going so well, is US together.

So, at that point, we decided to end things. About an hour later, (after crying up a storm, on both ends), I suggested just having a break, instead of actually breaking up. I couldn't handle the thought of losing him, and losing everything we had worked for. So I gave him until monday evening to decide if he wanted just a break or not. Monday I was a wreck. I came home, and J had decided that he did just want a break.

I went to my moms house, cried for an hour. My Step Dad suggested that I stay at thier house in the guest room, in order to really clear my head. And, I agreed. I thought the space during the break might be a good idea.

Monday night, I went home home. J was gone. He had clean the whole house, left all the money he owns me on the fridge, clean out the back room, put a mattress down, and made my bed. He never came home that night. I cried myself to sleep.

The next day, I went to work, then came home to grab my stuff. Josh was there. He had been crying all day. And as I went into my room, I could hear him in the living room crying. It was awful. I left, and cried all the way to moms.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were all a blur.

Friday, I was at play rehersal, and it started snowing. That was a girls night I had planned. I was planning on just going out and forgetting about it. But, I ended up just having to go home. I went HOME HOME. I had too. It was snowing. When I got there, josh had been snowed in too. So we talked.

He misses me. He said that I am the love of his life, but he is worried that if we don't have our time to grow when we are younger, we will grow to resent eachother. He doesn't want to date other people, but he is worried we would regret it if we don't give it the chance now.

He said he loves me more then anything in the world, and he is also worried that if we break-up he will lose the most important thing in the world to him: me.

So, he is torn.

I am not.

I want to be with him more then anything in the world. I see his side. Completly. I understand where he is coming from with the whole "seperating while we are still young" bit. But, I do not want to lose him. He is 100% the love of my life. And I don't want to lose him.

Right now I am worried that what will happen is we will break-up, I'lll move out. Lose everything (my dog, my house, all my money in savings, I wont be able to afford to go back to school with the higher rent, etc.) and then in a few months, he will realize he made a big mistake, and want me back. AFTER, everything we have worked for is gone.

I feel like we have put so much into the relationship, that it is sad to let it go without even trying. We are still completely in love with eachother. We want nothing more then to be with eachother, we just need to grow. And I understand. But, I feel like if we just gave up now, we would regret it. With everything we put into it, I feel like we might have to treat it like a "marriage". We share EVERYTHING. It's going to be so hard to just let go. So I feel like we should at least try to work on things before just giving up. "

The sad thing is, I never considered this would happen. I figured that, "Love Conquers All". But I guess it doesn't.

Josh said that he has some growing up to do. He feels like staying with me is a commitment for the rest of his life, and he isn't ready for that yet. If he feels like that, I have to let him go, no matter how much it hurts.

I would like to think that one day, we will be together again, but I know that is an unhealthy way to think about it.

I suppose, one way or the other, it will all work out. I just can't see it now.

I'm just so sad. : (

I wish I could say he was a Jerk. But I can't. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and the last five years have been a dream come true. He is the first man I ever loved, the first man I ever kissed, me have a house, and a dog together, we share a life. And now that life is over. I have to start new, I have to let go of him.

I am still completely in love. When we actually broke up, I cried harder then I ever had before. I had a panic attack. It was awful. Then I begged. I begged him to stay with me and give me another chance. But I knew, i would eventually have to let him go, if I really cared about him. I can't beg someone to stay with me, no matter how much I love them.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

I don't know where to go from here.