Merry Christmas

"Remember George, No man is a failure who has friends"--It's a Wonderful Life

Today, Christmas day, I feel truely blessed. For my family, for my friends, for my life. It's days like today that I feel truely happy for what I have: my friends and family.

My family is truely one of the best anyone could hope for. Of course, it has it's flaws, but flaws and all, it is perfect. It's warm, and inviting. I walk into my parents house and always feel right at home. Anytime I introduce anyone new, they are instantly family, and get treated with the same love they would treat someone they have known their whole life. Love is always in abundance in my home.

Tonight, I was thinking about how beautiful my family is, and realized it's not just my imediate family that is amazing, but also my extended family: my friends. The people I have chosen to share in my life are very important to me. I've learned from my family to share the same warm and inviting tone when interacting with everyone around me, and it has created so many positive relationships in my life. As flawed as some of these friendships might be, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I feel grateful to have so many beautiful friends to share my life with.

The saying is right, "...no man is a failure who has friends". If I died tomorrow I would know that I am truely blessed, and lived life wonderfully. I have surrounded myself with so much love in family and friendships, that I know I must have been doing something right.

So now on this Christmas day I must say, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

I left you with poo...

I'm skinnier and happier then I have been in a long time. I think it's because I'm so awesome? But, that's just a thought of course.

Sometimes I find it incredibly difficult to be as awesome as I am, but then I remind myself: take one for the team. And then I remind myself: There is no "I" in team. But, then I remind myself, "I'm awesome, and there is and 'I' in that".

Cool story, bro? I think so.

And here is a Haiku for the road:

I left you with poo

the bathroom was far away

I hope you don't mind

Day: Who really cares anyways?

So, three days? Yep, that's a lot better then I thought, honestly. I'm not too keen on this whole "blogging every day" thing, so really, how did I expect myself to actually do a 15 day challenge of blogging? Oh well, I don't think anyone really cares much anyways. If you really want to know something about me, why don't you just ask?

My mom always said, that if you tell everyone everything, then no one can talk about you behind your back. So, just go ahead and ask. And right now...I'll just fill out for all of the remaining days...BECAUSE I CAN!!!

Day 04 → Someone who inspires you.

Tina Fey: Honestly, I love this woman. I inspire to be like her. She always is herself. She is never embarressed by who she is. She is weird, and goofy, and a big dork, and proud of it. It's awesome.

Day 05 → Your idea of a perfect day.

A day in bed. Food being served to me, and whatever I want on T.V playing. I would also like someone to pee and poop for me, so I don't have to move at all. If someone could feed me and reposition me as well that would be great.

Day 06 → Something you don’t leave the house without.

Clothes? No wait....scratch that. I guess I never leave my house without a soul...cuz I ate my own soul long ago and it still hasn't digested.

Day 07 → Songs that remind you of people, places and events.

"Fuck Her Gently" always reminds me of your mom.

Day 08 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but had to.

Again, this reminds me of your mom.

Day 09 → Fav TV shows: past & present.

I'm easily amused. So let's just name a few: How I Met Your Mother, Supernatural, Big Ban Theory, The Simpsons, 30 Rock, The Office, Parks and Recreaction, Firefly, Criminal Minds....how's that for a mix?

Day 10 → Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.

I have to go to a South American country one day. I love the whole "spanish" vibe, and I have to experience it first hand.

Day 11 → Photos you love.

There are so many photos I love for so many different reasons. I love any photo where you can see a genuine smile. That means that a good memmory is being made.

Day 12 → What’s in your make up bag?

I wear concealer everyday to hide these old lady bags under my eyes. And some anti-puff cream. I really am an old woman aren't I?

Day 13 → What is your favourite saying and why?

Life sucks, Then you die. Do I really need to explain why?

Day 14 → Top 20 songs on your iPod.

1. Soul Meets Body-Death Cab For Cutie

2. January Hymn-The Decemberists

3. This Is Why We Fight-The Decemberists

4. Down By The Water-The Decemberistis

5. Dear Avery-The Decemberisits

6. June Hymn-The Decemberistis

7. Here I Dreamnt I was an Architect-The Decemberists

8. Summer Skin-Death Cab For Cutie

9. Different Names for the Same Thing-Death Cab for Cutie

10 Your Heart is and Empty Room-Death Cab for Cutie

.

.

.

.....Basically you get the picture....it is all The Decemberists or Death Cab for Cutie...I'm a little obsessed.

Day 15 → Something you are looking forward to

this year.

Well, this year is almost over. So for the next 2 months, I am looking forward to the holidays. I'm looking forward to expanding a bunch of new relationships with people I have met recently. I look forward to finishing this quarter of school. And I look forward to finishing the end of this amazing year. I can't wait to see what next year will bring me.

Day 3 (A Day Late)

Favorite Place To Eat:

Day 2: What makes me happy

Things that make me happy:

• Warm beverages on cold days
• Summer turning into Fall
• Cuddling with someone special
• Movie nights, staying in
• A good poop
• Finally being able to breath after a long sinus infection
• Eating, Snacking, sneaking food when I assume no one is watching
• I am obsessed with Diet coke, so I guess that makes me happy
• Words of encouragment
• The sense of realife I get when I make to the gas station without my car running out of gas
• The Decemberists
• Good music in general
• Hearing someone play music, live. (either concerts...or just hearing someone play music)
• I love fun mugs!
• Dinosaurs, of course
• thinkgeek.com
• 30 Rock
• I could go on forever....so many things make me happy...cuz life is awesome...

Day 1-15 Day Challenge

15 Day Challenge:

Day 01 → A day in your life.

Day 02 → What makes you happy?
Day 03 → Your favourite place to eat.
Day 04 → Someone who inspires you.
Day 05 → Your idea of a perfect day.
Day 06 → Something you don’t leave the hous

e without.
Day 07 → Songs that remind you of people, places and events.

Day 08 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but had to.

Day 09 → Fav TV shows: past & present.
Day 10 → Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.

Day 11 → Photos you love.

Day 12 → What’s in your make up bag?
Day 13 → What is your favourite saying and why?
Day 14 → Top 20 songs on your iPod.

Day 15 → Something you are looking forward to

this year.

...and So it begins.

Day 1.

I should have waited for an exciting day so I could describe it. But, you would be waiting for a long time. So, basically, you now get to see how awesomely lame/exciting my life is.

It all started when my alarm blasted way to early, at it's normal time of 5:45a.m. I moaned, and rolled out of bed, roughley hitting the floor with a thud. Because, when I say "I rolled out of bed", and am being litteral. I preceded to the kitchen, and got myself a caffine fix of diet coke, and let out a nice belch. I fogot to put on pants before I went into the kitchen, but was realieved to find that my roomate was still sound asleep in her bed. I filled a container with yogurt, and another with spaghetti. Got my bag ready f

or the day, and then remembered that I should get dressed. I put on the outfit I was wearing yesterday that was still thrown on the floor, looked in the mirror, shrugged, and brushed my teeth.

I then started making many odd "fat faces" into the mirror until I noticed I had been doing that for ten mins and I was going to be late for work. I then preceded to rush out the door and drive quickly to work.

I dashed through the lanes in the early morning hours on my way to work. I find it fun to drive that early. No one is on the road. Just you, and the darkness. It's like my own little zombie world. Upon arriving to work in a rush, I realized I was several mins early and shrugged. Oh well. I walked to the door,

and unlocked the building. I always laugh at this task, because I feel like "King of the Daycare!"...."BEHOLD...for only she has the key!" But, that feeling of being-on-top only last a second before I enter the darkened building. Then I start my mundaine morning tasks of opening the daycare: turn on the lights, re-write the white board, unlock all the doors, check for danger, turn on the radio and moan because Adele for the 1 millionth time, and all the other little tasks.

Today's work day, was pretty much the same old day. Every day is slightly different, and yet, slightly the same. All fun, and all boring: children, poop, boogers, laughing, jokes, fun, paint, goobers, handwashing, etc.

I did my homework on my lunch in the break room, and drew a dinosaur in my notes.

After work I clocked out and drove home. At this point I was exhausted and hungry. So I made myself the healthiest snack I could think of: red vines, potato chips, and a diet coke. Delicious. I had my small, half-hour, break, then drove to school while texting about "Pigs in a Blanket".

went to school, I learned. I felt smart. Because I am smart.

WhenI came home I tried to fix the garbage disposal because it was broken and clogged. I couldn't find anything stuck in the disposal, and it wouldn't start after I pressed the restart button or restarted it on the circiut breaker. So I decided to track to good ol' Fred Meyers at get some draino. I noticed my gas light gage was low, and for a brief momment I thought about getting gas but I decided against it, because that would be too sensible. I paced around the store for about 10 minuets until I found the Draino.

I With the Draino purchased, I made my way home poured it in the sink, then made myself dinner: taco salad! It was delicious: spiniach, tomatoes, colby-jack, pinto beans, cilantro, then I topped it with some crushed chips and a mixture of sour cream and salsa. I was very satisfied. I ate my meal while laughing to an episode of 30 Rock. I snorted several times, and almost choked on my food. But, no one was around, so it didn't count.

I then clean the kitchen, rinsed out the Draino and did the dishes. The disposal still doesn't work, but at least the water will drain. I looked up the number to my property manager and made a mental note to call them tomorrow.

After I procrastinated so much, I finally worked on studying for my psycology test. And that's all I did for 2 hours. It was awful. I would have rather gotten peed on my a pregnant hyena. But, it's done. After my mind melted and I was able to form it back into my skull for a brief momment, I went on Facebook and did some classic Facebook stalking. I had an awesome IM conversation, and worked on makeing "Nap C.D's" for work.

I took a shower, and went to bed. And Now I'm typing. But, I'm typing this after midnight?

So, I guess, dissregard everything you just read. My day goes as follows: I sat in bed and typed in my blog, I'm about to go to sleep, but I'm excited to see what this day will bring. The End.

Well, that was a waste of a blog...

End Of Day

Hold Your Own Baby, Please and Thank You

Today, I had a revelation. I work at a daycare, and am going to majior in Elementry Educaiton, but I have discovered, babies freak me out. With those big judgmental eyes, and that helpless little look they give you that just screams, "Take care of me woman!" Babies are frightening.

An old co-worker of mine brought her baby into work today to show "IT" off. All the other women there were instantly were oogly and ah-gling this spawn, but I wanted to back away. There was no desire for me to hold that fetus. None what-so-ever. I normally just shrug these feelings aside and come up with some excuse, "I think I feel a cold coming on", "I have to go poop" etc. Then I walk away without having to contaminate my arms with babies. But, today I had the realization: this is not a normal reaction to babies.

There are certain days in the daycare where I do work with the babies in the baby room, and I have no problem with that. Babies are cute, and when I am in there, it is a job: and I am good at my job. But, I don't actually like babies. They are terrifying. They poop, and pee, and get fed, and are easily breakable. It's like they are born with a self-destruct button and anywhere you push on it it is going to explode. They are so dependant on you, that it terrifies me that I am going to fail. When a baby grows up a little, and start's crawling/walking, they are fine. Toddlers are great people, but until that momment, those mutant spawns are the worst joke God has ever created (besides the platypus).

When I grow up, I have always wanted to have children of my own. Today, I feaked myself out: what if my fear of babies doesn't go away? What if when I birth my own lizard-spawn I am repulsed by it? I guess I have many years to find out, but in the mean time, I just have to find a way to face my fear, and hold a baby.

Crash, but not burn

Sometimes, you can put your best foot forward, wearing it's fanciest golden shoe, and things will still come to crush it. Your steel proof foot can still get beaten to a pulp. And you know what, that's okay. I really try to stay positive in every situation, but some days I find it more difficult then others.

Today has just been one of those days where the sun is always half shrouded. No matter what, it just can't be bright enough. I can get a million compliments and still feel only one inch tall. I need someone to build my self esteem, because no matter what anyone tells you, it is impossible to build it on your own.

I am emotionally, and physically drained. I am constantly looking over other people, building their self esteem, making sure they are okay. When is it my turn? When is someone going to tell me that I am awesome, and beautiful, and worthy? I suppose I do have some people that tell me, but the stability of those compliments is questionable. I can't question my reassuring comments. I need them to be stable.

I need stability so I don't crash. But I suppose all of life is just one big crash, and the best you can hope for is to not burn.

School

I can't manage to fall asleep tonight. I haven't had this feeling for a long time: the excitement/anticipation , the nervousness, the anxiety. I feel like I want to puke, cry, and laugh all at the same time. I have those butterflies. All these feelings muddled up into one body can only mean one thing: tomorrow is the first day of school.

I have waited years to go back to school. Many things have stood in my way: financial burdens, life drama, and my own self doubt. But now, I have broken through all the barriers and am finally beginning my new/old life as a student. I'm excited. It's the day I've been waiting for for a long time, and one step closer to my future.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my new life, it marks the start of the end. I'm so excited to be on this new road, and see where this journey will take me.

You are Sharp

I am walking right into the blade,

You are sharp,

And I am walking straight for you,

Arms stretched out and ready to take the hit.

I'm running straight into you,

You are sharp,

And I can tell you can hurt me,

But, I am running, full speed ahead.

The blade is exposed,

You are sharp,

Who's going to make the first move?

Or am I going to run straight into the blade?

Stand Still,

You are sharp,

I am exposed.

who is going to take the hit?

Click on this link for further detail: Animal-Neon Trees

Lyrics:

Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid
You're never satisfied
Here we go again
We're sick like animals
We play pretend
You're just
A cannibal
And I'm afraid
I won't get out alive
I won't sleep tonight

Oh oh
I want some
More
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of
My heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some
More
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
Say goodbye to my heart
Tonight

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's getting heavy
And I wanna run
And hide
I wanna run and hide
I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be
Denied by you
The animal inside of you

Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Hush, hush The world is quiet
Hush, hush We both can't fight it
It's us that made this mess
Why can't you understand?
Whoa, I won't sleep tonight

Here we go again [3x]

Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting

Here we go again [3x]
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Secret Single Behavior

Not So Secret Anymore

When I am alone, in the privacy of my own house I do the following:

• Walk around in my underware.
• Take off my bra in random places and leave it there (I once found it in the kitchen).
• Brush my teeth while walking around the house doing chores.
• Lay on the couch and rub my tummy.
• Pass out on the couch in the middle of the day while watching T.V.
• Pass out on the couch in the middle of the day while watching T.V with food still in my mouth.
• Wake myself up by snoring myself awake AFTER passing out on the couch in the middle of the day while watching T.V with food still in my mouth.
• Lay in my bed and eat food at two o'clock in the morning.
• Lay in bed and eat food in general, while watching T.V.
• Floss my teeth at any given momment.
• Wear my hair at the top of my head.
• Walk out to the mailbox in my boxer shorts, and no bra.
• Burp.
• Fart.
• Spit.
• Play Tony Hawk, or Mortal Kombat.
• Talk to myself.
• Laugh at myself.
• Draw pictures of stupid things and then laugh at them.

...Among other things.

I fart, because I like you.

I was eating lunch with my mom today, knawing away at my corn-on-the-cob like my mouth was full of only gums, when she made an interesting statment, "You've never really done this whole 'flirting' thing before have you?". With her one eybrow up, and hesitant eyes, I could tell she was examining me slightly. I wiped the loose kernels off my mouth, and snorted a bit as I responded, "Well, come to think of it, No." I finished my corn-on-the-cob, burped, and wiped my hands on my shirt.

As I was driving home, examining a hot air balloon and wondering if my archery skills would be good enough to send that thing crashing to the ground, it hit me: No, I haven't done this whole "flirting" thing before. I've always just been me: a nerd. I've always just been myself. I burp, fart, eat messy, talk about poop and butts, snort when I laugh, turn everything into a peice of sexual innuendo, laugh hysterically, and god knows what other wierd things I do or say at a drop of a hat. I now wonder, what is this whole "flirting" thing, and what does it intail?

I was talking with a co-worker the other day about sleeping habbits. I told her that when I sleep, I sleep on my back, snore, drool, and am virtually impossible to move once I fall asleep. She gave me the same hesitant look my mom gave me: the one eyebrow up, and examining eyes. She then laughed and said, "And you wonder why you are single?"

Am I supposed to act different, be different, and say different things in order to flirt with my perspective mate? Really, when you think about it, if you are acting different in order to attract a mate, what are they going to say when you start acting like yourself? If they don't like me when I burp, fart, drool, and talk about poop, then really, when are they going to like me?

According to my mom and my co-worker, I suppose I am new to this whole flirting thing. However; according to me, I've been flirting since the day I was born. I am a what you see is what you get sort of girl. I don't want to flirt with someone who doesn't understand who I really am, so I just act myself all the time, and if people don't like me for who I am, I ussually will tell them to "suck it".

So, chances are, if I fart in your presence, it's only because I like you.

Alone

For the first time in my life I want to be alone. I want and need time to concentrate on just myself. I am starting to enjoy, and relish in my alone time. Today, was the first day I turned off my phone on purpose. I clicked it off, and left in the car for several hours. I didn't check facebook, I didn't go online, and had no social contact with anyone besides my family. I felt so liberated. I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had no one to worry about besides myself. I didn't have to care about anyone elses problems or worry about "what's next". It was all just me, in the momment, alone. And I loved it more then ever.

My new goal is to focus on "me time", and focus on being more okay with being alone. If I can't be happy with myself, how can anyone else be happy with me? I need time to focus on me, and just making myself better. If it doesn't have to do with the following, I don't care:

• School
• Work
• My Family
• The Bible/Church
• My health (nutrition & working out)

I'm going to focus my attention mainly on those four things, and go from there. I think at this time of my life I just need to be selfish and find the things that make ME happy, and make ME feel good. I love me, and I need time to just focus on myself. I love being Alone.

Question is:

Do you want to be my friend?

I can make a fool out of myself just fine...

It's pictures like this that make me wonder why I drink at all? Back in highschool, when I used to sneak alcohol, it used to be fun to drink a little too much. I think the whole danger of knowing you were doing something wrong, and you might get caught, made it more exciting. I remember one time when some friends and I drank a little capfull of each different type of alcohol in our parents liquor cabinet just so we could get tipsy. It was all about doing something stupid. It was about the adventure: who's going to buy us alcohol? Where will we drink it? How can we do this without getting caught? And now...the fun is gone.

I am finding that now-a-days when I am purposely "Drinking To Get Drunk" I don't have any fun at all anymore. I black out too fast, do something stupid, don't remember anything, then wake up the next day with an awful hangover, and am basically useless for the whole next day. It absolutely sucks. It is no fun at all, and pretty much pointless. Basically, I am starting to find that I am PAYING to make a fool out of myself and get myself sick. So, really, it is pretty much pointless to "Drink To Get Drunk".

Honestly, I find that I can make a fool out of myself just fine on my own. No alcohol needed.

I think I really must be growing up in that way. All my friends and I would argue when we would go out to the bars, who would be the Designated Driver, but now I purposely volunteer. I find that I have way more fun being sober then drunk....at all times!

Of course I still like the occasional wine or beer, and even the mixed drink here and there. But really...I like them for the taste. I love the savor the flavor, and not just let it go to my head. So, as a wrap up, I leave you with my favorite "Drunk Picture" in memory of my glory days of being drunk, because personally...I don't want to be drunk, ever again. It's pointless. So here you all, relish the moment:

The Motivation Proclimation

I never can seem to find enough motivation to excersise. I think about it all the time. I'm unhappy with how I have slowing been starting to "let myself go" again, and I know I have to do something about it...but man...sitting on my lazy ass is just so tempting! And now that I have internet again (after 6 months of not having internet!), there is nothing I want more then to just sit on my butt watching documentary films and eating fruit snacks. I'm trying everything to get myself a little more excersise then now. So here are some ideas I am trying:

• walking to work (it only takes me 20 mins, so really, why not?)
• walking to go buy groceries (again, it only takes about 10 mins...so really...what is stopping me, besides my own lazy ass?)
• going for at least a 20 min long walk EVERY DAY! I really need to start with doing this EVERY DAY in order for me to actually DO IT!

I need to come up with a new rutine to get me going. I need someone to just come over to my house and light a match under my ass and lock me out of my house so I actually get going!

My first form of motivation comes in IPod form:

I love reading, and I absolutly LOVE "The Hunger Games" trilogy...so, I got the book downloaded onto my IPod...thanks to my dear friend Stephanie! It is so much more motivating then music, because I actually care about listing to a full chapter! When I listen to music, I don't care if I don't finish the song, but with the book, I really need to finish the end of the chapter. So rather then quitting early, I find that I don't want to stop. I have told myself I can only listen to the book when I am exciersising...and so far that has seemed to help.

Right now, my first step to improving my health is just gettin the motivation to excersise. Once I get that down...then I will really starting working on the whole not eating like John Goodman in an all-you-can-eat buffet thing. One step at a time guys...one step at a time.

Founder of the "Old Maids" Society

You know how in middle school people will date for about a week or so, then break up? Kids would burn through several relationships in a period of a month, and every other kid just thought that was normal and move on. Well, fast forward about 10 years...it doesn't seem so normal now does it?

Growing up, I never went through that fad. I never dated anyone until I was a junior in highschool. I didn't really care either. I figured I would just wait to date someone until I found a person I actually WANTED to date, and not just date someone because they asked me. So, my junior year of highschool, I found someone that I thought was perfect. We ended up dating for over 5 years before it ended. And now, I am completely screwed.

I feel like I am starting over with this whole "dating thing", because I never actually experienced it before. I never went to middle school, and I never dated before having my relationship. Most people figure out their "dating behavior" when they are in middle school/high school, but I have to figure it out now, when I am in my twenties. When you are in your twenties, most people assume that you have the whole dating thing down, so I feel like people don't understand my confusion now.

I am a middle-schooler, dating 20 year olds. Imagine how innapropriate that would be? That is why it is a perfect metaphor for my situation. I don't know what I am doing. I am just figuring out my dating style, like every middle-schooler does, by having my one-week long crushes. But now, in my twenties, it's not working. All that is happening is that I keep hurting people, and making everything worse.

It turns out, this whole "dating" thing, really isn't all it is cracked up to me. I'd rather just be single forever then hurt anyone else. I'm thinking of founding my own "Old Maids" society, and just be done with dating. Because honestly, this is just rediculous.

Kissing Boys Only Leads To Trouble

I am the most stubborn person in the world (probobly the reason I work so well with 2 year olds). Usually, my stubborness is a quality I enjoy about myself. It leads to me not being defeated. If I want something, I go for it. But, there is another aspect of my stubborness that isn't so kind: the fact that I have to learn things the hard way. No matter what people will tell me, how bad of an idea something is, I wont listen. Even the best advice goes right past my head, because I have to experience everything for myself first. And that is just how it works. I am the most stubborn person in the world.

I hate finding out things the hard way. I seem to lose people/hurt people in the process. I have taken on a new title of "The Queen of hurting peoples feelings". It's awesome. Is it something I am proud of? No. But, it's just something that happens. I use my stubborness to learn my lessons.

Specifics do not need to be mentioned for how/why I have come to this conclusion about my stubborness, but it's just something I have grown to realize: I learn things the hard way.

And I am a writer, writer of fictions

I am the heart that you call home

And I've written pages upon pages

Trying to rid you from my bones

My bones

My bones

--The Decemberists "Engine Driver"

This song is beautiful. If you haven't heard it already, find it, listen to it, and let it bleed through your soul.

Silence is the loneliest sound...

I have never been so lonely in my life. I have found I can’t do anything on my own. I can’t even clean my own house if someone else isn’t with me. I am not as independent as I once thought. I am lonely.

There are very few people my age who understand fully what I’m going through, and that makes it worse. Almost any twenty-something has gone through a break-up, yes. But most have not had to change their life completely because of one. Most people my age break-up and get to keep everything else in their lives the same. For me, I lost everything that once was. And it is still taking me time to adjust.

The thing that is the hardest to adjust to is the loneliness. Not having that person to come home to, but rather, coming home to silence. The sound of silence is the loudest sound of loneliness.

Sleeping alone is impossible. I now have to fall asleep to music, with pillows propped around me, and even then it is difficult. The silence of loneliness keeps me up all night.

Crying is the norm. I find myself grabbing for my phone at all times and texting whoever I can get a hold of, just for the human contact. I always feel overwhelmed because I always have to make plans. If I go a night without plans, I sit at hope and cry in my own loneliness. But, if I make plans every night, I am overwhelmed that I am never alone. It’s a vicious circle, that I am caught in the middle of.

I am always lonely. It has taken me a long time to admit to it. But, I am. I am lonely.

I need human contact at all times. I feel empty when I am alone. And the thing that makes it worse is I honestly do not have enough friends to occupy my time with. I feel neglected when my friends don’t text me back. I feel even more alone if they already have plans. Yes, It is crazy. I am crazy. I understand this. But, that is how I feel right now.

I am just crazy. Crazy lonely. And crazy.

I need a fucking hobby.

Everything Happens for A Reason

We are told growing up that “everything happens for a reason”, but when something negative happens in your life I think that it is hard to realize that the saying still holds true. In my life I have had many unfortunate life-changing moments, and although some tragic, I think without them I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Several months ago my heart was broken, and I felt there was nothing in this world that would ever mend the remains. I had to change so many aspects of my life, that I felt like I was basically forced to become someone new. I was swimming in a sea of change, and was barely making it to the surface. But through all the turbulence, I think I have finally made it to the top. The journey only made me stronger. It did make me a different person, but I am likening the person that made it out.

In my life before, I felt like my whole life was planned already. The book had already been written; I just had to keep reading in order to reach the end. But now, I am writing my own book, and I have no idea what the ending will be. I am writing it all as I go along.

I liked reading the book, but I felt like it needed more chapters. And now, I have the ability to write them myself. I always wanted to do so many other things, but I was so caught up in the life that was already written, that I didn’t feel the need. I was happy where I was, and didn’t feel like I needed to change something that was already so good. But then, I was forced to change, and finally write the unfinished chapters.

My heart was in so many pieces that it took me a while to realize that I needed to put them back together myself. Being in love is such an amazing feeling. Feeling like you are one half of a whole is so strong, that it is hard to go back to feeling okay as a whole part of a half again. Slowly, I have been picking up all the pieces myself, and am finding so many parts that I thought were lost. I am now finally able to start writing those unfinished chapters.

A part of me always wanted to go back to school. I have a strong desire to always be learning and expanding my knowledge. It is something that was always in the back of my mind, but I was stuck in my life, so I never pursued it. That piece of my heart is now clear, so I have enrolled in school. I start in the fall, pursing a degree in Elementary Education with a minor in Environmental Studies. I hope to one day teach an environmental program for children. I am mixing my two favorite things: children, and being outdoors. I am more excited then ever for the prospect of school: and a chapter is being written.

I always was curious what it would be like to live in an apartment by myself, and for the last several months, I have done just that. I have an adorable one-bedroom apartment; however, it is not all it is cracked up to be. After going from living with a partner for as long as I did, it is very difficult to live on my own. I am lonely all the time, and find I hate the silence. So, I am changing that part of my life, and am moving in with one of my best friends. I am excited for this chapter of life.

There are so many things that I wanted to do, but never did. And so many things I never thought I would never get the chance to do because I was so content. But now I am finally getting the chance to write all these new chapters of my life. And now I feel like I have found enough pieces of my broken heart, that I can finally be happy for the change.

If I never had gotten my heart broken, I never would be where I am today. I am very happy where I am, and I am very happy with who I have become. These chapters of my life that I am writing are some of the most fun chapters I have ever written, and I am more excited then ever to find out how they end.

Getting your heart ripped into pieces is one of the most painful experiences one can go through. I have a strong hope that I will find a love to help me mend it completely, but for now I am just working on the pieces I can fix myself. They say that, “Everything happens for a reason”. In my life the reason is just starting to get written, and I am excited to see how this chapter ends.

Life Truely Does Go On

Life goes on, Life get's better. Even when you feel like you are the bottom of a well, someone tends to come along and pull you out. Or, better yet, you find a way to grab onto those rocks and climb out yourself.

I feel more independent, confident, attractive, smart, funny, and overall, more ME, then I have ever felt in my life. I feel like I am always striving to make positive choices, and tend to move in an overall positive direction. I now know that everything happens for a reason, and that God does truely have a master plan. I am Happy.

Things in my life aren't perfect, no, but, it's my life, and I am learning to live it. On My Own.

Lady Gaga says it best:

MY MAMA TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG
WE ARE ALL BORN SUPERSTARS
SHE ROLLED MY HAIR AND PUT MY LIPSTICK ON
IN THE GLASS OF HER BOUDOIR
"THERE'S NOTHIN WRONG WITH LOVIN WHO YOU ARE"
SHE SAID, "'CAUSE HE MADE YOU PERFECT, BABE"
"SO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP GIRL AND YOU'LL GO FAR,
LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY"
CHORUS:
I'M BEAUTIFUL IN MY WAY
'CAUSE GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY
DON'T HIDE YOURSELF IN REGRET
JUST LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU'RE SET
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY
POST-CHORUS:
OOO THERE AIN'T NO OTHER WAY
BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAY
BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAY
OOO THERE AIN'T NO OTHER WAY
BABY I WAS BORN-
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY
DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN
DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN
DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN
DON'T BE!
VERSE:
GIVE YOURSELF PRUDENCE
AND LOVE YOUR FRIENDS
SUBWAY KID, REJOICE YOUR TRUTH
IN THE RELIGION OF THE INSECURE
I MUST BE MYSELF, RESPECT MY YOUTH
A DIFFERENT LOVER IS NOT A SIN
BELIEVE CAPITAL H-I-M (HEY HEY HEY)
I LOVE MY LIFE I LOVE THIS RECORD AND
MI AMORE VOLE FE YAH (LOVE NEEDS FAITH)
REPEAT CHORUS + POST-CHORUS
BRIDGE:
DON'T BE A DRAG, JUST BE A QUEEN
WHETHER YOU'RE BROKE OR EVERGREEN
YOU'RE BLACK, WHITE, BEIGE, CHOLA DESCENT
YOU'RE LEBANESE, YOU'RE ORIENT
WHETHER LIFE'S DISABILITIES
LEFT YOU OUTCAST, BULLIED, OR TEASED
REJOICE AND LOVE YOURSELF TODAY
'CAUSE BABY YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY
NO MATTER GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BI,
LESBIAN, TRANSGENDERED LIFE
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN TO SURVIVE
NO MATTER BLACK, WHITE OR BEIGE
CHOLA OR ORIENT MADE
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN TO BE BRAVE
REPEAT CHORUS
OUTRO/REFRAIN:
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!

Moving Out and Moving On

This last weekend I finally moved. I'm moving out, and moving on. I moved into my first apartment of my very own. It is absolutly brilliant. I love it so much. It's cute, it's purple, it's girly, it's me, and it is all mine! I am ten times happier now that I live on my own, then I was before, when I was just at my moms. I feel like everything is finally starting to move forward rather then move backward. I'm starting to make steps forward, and move on with my life. I know everything is only going to go up from here.

I'm finally starting to live life for me, and not "us". I'm making decisions on my own that will only effect me, and will help ME out in the future. I'm becomeing more me, then I have ever been. And guess what, I am pretty awesome? I love getting to know myself better. And man, I love me.

Ron Weasley

Announcing My Engagement:

I am going to marry Ron Weasley someday. I'm in love! I was even in love with him in the books. And picking hotty mchot (Rupert Grint) to play him in the movies was just a genius choice. Red heads are hot!

The Tales of an Insomniac

I thought I would jot down everything I am thinking, because I can't sleep. Lately I have becomet he worst insomniac in the world, I just stay up all night thinking and thinking and thinking, about absolutly everything that can go on in my mind. So, tonight, I thought I would try something, I thought I would just vent, and get it out, and see if maybe that would help clear my mind and finally allow me to sleep.

2011 is finally here, and I can't believe it. It seems like last year just came and went so fast. Last year was such an absolutly eventfull and life-changing year. It was absolutly crazy. I moved up in my job, started going back to school, stopped school, went to Europe on my own, lived almost a full year with a long-term boyfriend, had a 5 year aniversary, ended a 5 year relationship, became single for the first time, moved back with my mom, experienced my first heart ache, and so much more. It has been a revelation. 2010 has been eye-opening and crazy. I am determined to make 2011 a fresh-start.

2011 is my year. It is all about me. I don't have to worry about anyone else. It's my time, my year, and I am absolutly determined to make it amazing. This will be the first time in my life that I am absolutly, truely, on my own. I can make my OWN decisions, for MYSELF, and truely figure out what I really want.

And, what I really want, is for things to be different.

I feel like I am a new person, with new goals, and I want a new life. I am starting fresh. In this new year, I want to be able to let go of all the things that were holding me back (or was it just me holding me back?), and embrace what I truely want.

Today, I went to Church. For the first time in about 10 years. I loved it. Absolutly, 100% loved it. It has been something I have been wanting to do for years, but I never got the courage to do it. I figured, what would be a better time to start going to church, then the first sunday in the new year. So, I went. And what do you know, the sermon was perfect! It was about letting go of anything negative in your life, and embracing the positive. It was absolutly perfect. We did a "burning bowl" ceromony. You wrote down what you wanted to release and then you put it in a bowl, and lit it on fire! HA! And that way it was gone. It was so relieving. I just felt like when I lit it on fire, that part of me was gone. It was so inspirational, and I went on the rest of the service with a new light.

I got from the church service, exactly what I wanted.

Except, for one aspect: There was no one my own age there.

I know church isn't supposed to be about socializing, however; it really would be nice to meet people my own age, who are perhaps going through the same experience as me, and maybe want to grow with me in God? I think it helps to have someone your own age to talk about things too, and grown with you, rather then just a bunch of "mentors".

So, I have an idea, and I honestly want your opinion. Let me know if I sound crazy. I really enjoy the church I am going to (Unity), and want to continue to go there, but I really feel like I need to be around people of my own age and background as well in order to really feel a spiritiual connection and be able to grow. So, I found a youth program at a different church that I was thinking about going to (Elevate). Is it strange to go to one church, and yet, go to a different church for a youth program? Is it strange to not quite fill complete at one church just because there are not people my own age?

I am new to this church thing, and I need guidance. I need guidance, and that is why I am going to church.

It's weird, I am trying to be this new individual, single, person and yet, I am so nervous thinking about going to this "elevate" youth group, alone! I wish I had someone who would go with me. And yet, maybe I should do this on my own, just to get the full benefit of "doing something on my own"? I don't know.

I'm crazy, I'm insane, and I have no idea who I am. I need to find myself, I need guidance. And most of all, I need sleep. Oh, the tales of an insomniac.