I have never been so lonely in my life. I have found I can’t do anything on my own. I can’t even clean my own house if someone else isn’t with me. I am not as independent as I once thought. I am lonely.
There are very few people my age who understand fully what I’m going through, and that makes it worse. Almost any twenty-something has gone through a break-up, yes. But most have not had to change their life completely because of one. Most people my age break-up and get to keep everything else in their lives the same. For me, I lost everything that once was. And it is still taking me time to adjust.
The thing that is the hardest to adjust to is the loneliness. Not having that person to come home to, but rather, coming home to silence. The sound of silence is the loudest sound of loneliness.
Sleeping alone is impossible. I now have to fall asleep to music, with pillows propped around me, and even then it is difficult. The silence of loneliness keeps me up all night.
Crying is the norm. I find myself grabbing for my phone at all times and texting whoever I can get a hold of, just for the human contact. I always feel overwhelmed because I always have to make plans. If I go a night without plans, I sit at hope and cry in my own loneliness. But, if I make plans every night, I am overwhelmed that I am never alone. It’s a vicious circle, that I am caught in the middle of.
I am always lonely. It has taken me a long time to admit to it. But, I am. I am lonely.
I need human contact at all times. I feel empty when I am alone. And the thing that makes it worse is I honestly do not have enough friends to occupy my time with. I feel neglected when my friends don’t text me back. I feel even more alone if they already have plans. Yes, It is crazy. I am crazy. I understand this. But, that is how I feel right now.
I am just crazy. Crazy lonely. And crazy.
I need a fucking hobby.
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