Next year, Christmas will be mine...

This year. I feel nothing. No Christmas cheer, no holiday maddness. Nothing. I'm so stressed out trying to get everything settled, that that's all I can think of. I can't just relax and enjoy the season. I'm right up in the middle of everything, trying to make everyone else happy. This means, that I get to sacrifice my own happiness.

I really hope everyone else is happy this Christmas. Because next Christmas, it's mine. This year everyone else can be happy, next year...fuck them all. I'm taking Christmas back for myself and being joyful and jolly damn it!

Early Christmas Present

SOMEBODY couldn't wait until Christmas, and gave me his present early :) He's setting it up for me and everything! I can't wait to actually own my own computer! All I have ever owned is my Macbook, Laptop...and now I will actually own a real computer. With enough oooomph to actually do stuff on. I can play Sims AND watch movies at the same time! hahaha, you know...it's the important things in life that matter ;) hahah...I'm just so excited!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Some people don't have family, or don't know parts. They don't know their real dad, or their mom abandonded them. And yes, every family is crazy. But, I am so blessed to have the family I have now.
I am so thankfull this thanksgiving to not just have one family, but to have three. I get to celebrate thanksgiving 3 times! One today, one tomorrow, and one on saturday.

I am so thankfull that I met "J" over a year ago and his whole family has welcomed me in with open arms. Not only have I been blessed with my own family, but now I have been welcomed into a new one. They have accepted me and loved me like one of their own, and I am so happy I get to spend of my thanksgivings with his wondeful family.

Secondly, I am thankful for the family I was born into. I have amazing parents, and even though they divorced they have managed to still create two welcoming and inviting homes. Both of my parents are such beautiful and amazing people and I am so happy to call them mine.

I am not only blessed to have these families, but I am so lucky to have the step family I do. I already have an amazing father, but I am so lucky to have an amazing step father as well. He has come in and made our family complete. Bringing in his family and just adding it to our already loving family. Some people don't even know their dad, and I am so lukcy to have two.

This year I am not just thankful to have my family, but I am thankful to have as much as I do. I am so blessed to have so many kind and amazing people in my life. I feel so happy to call all of these beautiful  people my family, and I am so thankfull to spend three wonderful days with these people.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you are amazing and as blessed as I feel right now. Love you all.

Life sucks, then you die.

I find I don't write as often when I am happy. My blogs stay empty and I have less wisdom to share. Overall, life is great. I see a forward, backward, and an end. Life just keeps moving forward, and for the first time in a while, I finally feel like I'm on the track.

Nothing really has happend, I guess I've just grown up and learned to accept the challenges I face. Honestly, the biggest moral I have found is, "Life Sucks, then you die". That's the motto I tell myself all the time. I think a lot of people might see this as a negative, but how can you ever see a feeling as something bad. If life sucks, then doesn't that mean you felt something? Living life as a empty blob would be worse then having an awful life, right?

And honestly, sometimes life simply does suck. And then when you think life can't get worse, it does. Sometimes you want to cry so hard, and punch everything in sight. And sometimes you do. And then, it's over. The bad stuff is gone, and good things happen again.

Right now, I feel like I'm the up part of the rollercoster, and it just keeps moving up. Soon I know I'll have to reach the top and fall again. But for now, I'll just go on and ride the ride in happiness.

But, just as a warning. I get motion sick.

Preschool Momment

 It was early in the morning and there was only one little boy in my preschool class. He was quietly reading a book to himself, so I began to work on a project. Since it was just him and I quietly in the room, and he was reading, I felt it was a good time to work on a project I had been needing to do for a while.

I sat there quietly cutting and gluing when I heard little footsteps next to me. He placed an empty cup down and said, "Here is your coffee!" I said, "Oh thank you *Frankie*, I was really needing a cup of coffee this morning." and I took a pretend sip out of the cup. He quickly left and I got back to my project.

Moments later I heard more footsteps next to me. He started to shake a fake spice into my drink, "Here's some cinnamon" and quickly left. Again, he returned with another item for my coffee. This time he had a cup and began to pour a pretend substance into my "coffee." "And here is some cream Ms. Amber". "Thank you!" I told him, "You make the best coffee!"

For the rest of the morning he followed me around and made sure I had my coffee with me. I would move from one side of the classroom to another and he would carry my coffee for me.

Some days, I love my job.

I want to be a cat....

A funny thing about life: No matter how good it is going in all other aspects, we always seem to focus on the one part of life that isn't going as well. It has gotten to the time of year where the seasonal depression starts to set in. I thought this was always caused my the sudden change from warm to cold weather in the PNW, however; (with the long/warm summer) I'm starting to realize it is just what happens at the end of September. And this is when I dwell on the bad, rather then revel in all the good.

I could be a millionaire, swimming in a pool full of money, with a million friends, the love of my life, great kids, and amazing house/family/job/dog etc. But I would most likely complain about the chip in my favorite mug. I think that's normal. Why complain about good things when you can complain about bad things? It's more fun right?

My romantic life is fantastic, I have the best roommate a girl could ask for, and I have a job. I make enough money that I can pay my bills, save, and afford the pay off some of my debts. But, I still like complaining.

Lately the bad parts of my life are consuming me. And it's all that I can do to not cry out and tell everyone to just "Fuck Off". I have this attitude of wanting to be alone. No one is good enough for me. I'm too awesome for everyone else.

I just want to curl into my bed like a cat. Better yet...I want to be a cat. I want to curl into a lap and cuddle all day long. I want someone I love to pet me, take care of me, and call me their baby. I want to relax and stop worrying about stupid stuff that doesn't matter. I want to poop whenever I want and not have to hold it until the end of the work day. FEED ME! PICK UP MY POOP! PET ME! I want to be a cat.

This Is What I Come Home to...

True Love

Been finding too many funnies...

I've just been finding way too many funnies on pintrest lately. I couldn't help but share a few of my favorites with you all.

Something I am realizing more and more...

Me...

Back to the old...

I think I am finally back to the real me. It took a while to get back to good, but here I am: just as annoying as ever.

It's funny how you can drift away from the real you for a while, but somehow you always find your way back. This last little while I have been trying to find myself by trying so many new things, but it turns out I liked who I was from the start. But, I'm glad I tried it all out because now I know how truly awesome I have always been.

I tried going to church: that's just not me.
I tried not drinking at all: that's just not me.
I tried dating multiple people: thank god, that's not me.
I tried not joking around as much, and being nicer: surprisingly, got into more arguments by being nice.

I've tried so many things, only to find that I had it right all along.

So here I am! Back to who I always was. I'm the girl that farts whenever she wants, talks about poop at the table, and will tell you point blank that you are being an asshole. I swear, and burp, and pick my nose. I'm gross. And I love it! I love joking around and having a good time. I like to be the person smiling despite of the rain. I like to be the happiest person you meet, and not being myself was not working for me. The only thing that works for me is to be obnoxious.

Senior year of high school one of my friends looked at me very seriously and said, "Amber, you are the weirdest person I know." A few months later I was in a class at the community college and some guy I met turned to me and said, "Amber, I have never met anyone more strange then you, and I don't intend to." About two years ago another close friend of mine turned to me and said, "Amber, you are fucking weird". Since that last comment, no one has said that I am weird. And strangely enough, that makes me sad. None of those comments were ever negative to me, they meant that I was unique and fun. I guess, they could have been criticisms, but that thought never occurred to me because I like being weird. For the last two years or so, I am been less strange. And that makes life way less fun.

So now, back to the old. Back to the good. Back to the strange.

This is the real me. This is who I have always been. And I am so glad to finally be back.

Don't pay attention to my messy mirror...

 You know you've lived in Bellingham too long when you think it is appropriate to wear something like THIS to the grocery store. Thank goodness I remembered a bra. 

Only 10 more pounds to go....

....Until I am the same weight I was my senior year of highschool! 

My goal is to try and do this in a little more then a month. I go on vacation in mid August, and it would be so cool to be super fit for this trip. That's only about 2lbs per week until my vacation, so I think this is possible! 

Let's hope for the best...

Oh, I love Tina Fey...

"Every girl is expected to have caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama and doll tits.

The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling."

- Tina Fey

Sunny Side Up

Just when I thought I had reached rock bottom, I realized I DID! That was it, that was rock bottom. And now it seems like I am going to reach back to the top. I went car shopping today with a very tall order: $10,000 or lower, good gas mileage, low mileage, and 4 doors. And this is what I ended up with:

2012 Toyota Corolla

...And it's mine, all mine! I never thought I would end up with a brand new car, but I actually qualified for it. Getting rejected for a loan was the best thing. I ended up taking out a lease on a car (which I never even considered), and so far, I think it was the right choice. It only had 10 miles at signing, and I have full maintenance for the 3 years I am going to lease it. Then in the end, I wont be upside down in a loan payment! I can trade it in a get a new car, no questions asked. It's a great idea. 

No more worrying about how am I going to get from place to place, no more wondering if my car is going to start. Dependability, that is all I ever wanted in a car, and it seems like that is what I ended up with. I am so happy. 

I could realy go for some boring right now...

I asked a vague question, "Can't anything just come easy?". One of my friends told me, "Well, if things came easy, it would make life boring.". That makes sense. If everything came with no trials and tribulations, life would get boring. However; I argue that if everything comes with a struggle sometimes things just get too unruly. I could really go for some boring right now.

I make too much money for financial aid to cover the cost of education. This would mean that I have to take out over $15000 in loans in order to pursue my degree. I am unsure where the government perceives I make too much money considering I work at a daycare for very little wage. But, when I got that news, I just went with it.

In another frame of my life, my car is dead. I am unable to drive my car anymore, and have been having to find other means of transportation to get to and from work and school. This has become more stressful, and tiring then I have thought.

With my supposed "high paying job" I went to the local credit union and applied for a loan for a car. But, I guess I don't make enough money to get a loan for a car.

So now I am stuck. Unable to pursue and education, and unable to qualify for a car loan. No car, no school. I am stuck, and I have no idea where to go next.

There is a part of me that knows I should try and find a better, high paying job. But, I question my sanity in a job that I am not in love with. I love my job now, but it seems like I am not going to be able to afford anything living in the means I am now.

I'm stuck in a place where I can't live the way I have been living. I feel like I have to make a choice between being happy, and affording to live. I guess there really is a price to happiness, but I haven't found out how much it costs yet.

School--Change of Plans

So, here is the deal. This whole last year has all come down to this: It has been a giant waste of time. This last year I have been going back to WCC so I can get my transfer degree and transfer to a 4 year university. Unfortunatly, it looks like this has been a giant waste of time.

Mainly, it's bad planning on my part, and over-the-top assumptions that turned out to be false, but we will get back to that.

After I finished with my transfer degree I planned on going to WSU in order to get a degree in Human Development. Since I am no longer having to claim my parents on my financial aid form I had assumed that I would recieve financial aid at WSU when I transfer; However, my assumption was very wrong. When I received my financial aid letter in the mail I was very discouraged.

The letter stated that althought they did accept my financial aid, they were only going to offer me $3000 a year in grants and the rest would be in loans. I was not aware the financial aid was a loan? But, I guess it is.

For a brief momment I considered this to be good news, and I would simply take out some loans for school. But on further review I found this to be a very bad decision.

Upon the suggestion of a friend I sat down with my self and thought of the pros and cons. Then I sat down and did the math. If I take out the loans, it will total a little over $15,000 of debt after college. With the interest rate they are offering me, this would mean that I would be paying about $200 a month to loans for the next 10 years. After I graduate I, on average, I would not be making much more money after then I am right now. This all means that after I graduate I would not only have a low paying job, but I would make technically less then I am now, because I have to pay off the loans.

This is very discouraging.

So, at this point I have made the decision not to attend a four year university. After I get my 2 year, I am going to take a break and figure out my life. All the careers I would like are careers where I technically don't need a degree, so really, what is the point of going into debt when I don't need that silly peice of paper?

Yes, I would love the education. And the thought of learning more would is something I dream about. I had my heart set on Human Development, but sometimes dreams are mearly dreams. Reality is today. Today I know I will ultimatly be happier being debt free. And I can figure out the rest later.

Day by day right?

Diet

One day, I hope that people will realize that the best diet is simply eating right and exercising regularly.

Back Hair

You know you are offically getting older when someone asks you what you did last night, and you respond by saying, "Shaved my boyfriends back hair".

Accountability--Random Thought

I feel like something people seem to lack, is accountability. Things don't just "happen", something made them work out that way, and most likely, it is your fault. That's just how life goes. You screw up, you fix it. I feel like something people refuse to admit, is the fact that they were wrong, they screwed up, and now they would like to fix it.

Gift

Sometimes the greatest gift in life is knowing you did nothing wrong. It's looking up, and looking around you and realizing how amazing you have it. It's finally realizing that your parents did a great job, and you have actually become the well-adjusted adult all parents hope for.

True story bro...

I had an awful dream last night...

My husband and I were asleep in our bed, cozy and dark. A small creek at the front door woke me from my sleep. I nudged my husband slightly, "I think there is someone at the door" I whispered. All I heard was a grumble from beneath the sheets. But, he carefully lifted his head as we both heard creaking on the stairs coming righ towards our room. I knew the kids were down the hall, and wouldn't be walking up the stairs, so my heart began to pound fast.

Before I knew it a man dressed in all black walked into our room. My husband jumped out of bed but was taken aback when he saw the gun in his hand pointed right at me. I jumped back and tears filled my eyes. None of us made a sound, all you could hear was the pounding of our hearts, and the heavy breathes.

"Please, just let me know what you want. Just don't hurt the children" I begged in a hushed whisper.

"Let me watch" he mutterd in a deep tone.

"What do you mean?" I asked

"Fuck the guy," he stated

"What do--" he cut me off mid scentance and impatiently blurted out, "Just fuck eachother now".

My husband reached across to me and grabbed my body and thrust it towards him. He whisperd in my ear, "I'm sorry baby. Let's give him what he wants, and he'll leave". Tears began to leave my eyes as my husband forced himself on me. Grabbing at all angles, he pushed me onto the bed and began to penetrate me. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying. He whisperd, "Honey, I love you" into my ear, and a small sense of comfort warmed me up until I began to hear the dark man from the edge of the room begin to speak:

"that's it, fuck her good. oh ya. that's right. give it to that bitch" he started to get frusterated as my husband began to slow down, "No No No!" the dark man began to yell, "let me show you how a real man does it". He grabbed my husband from the back and pushed him against the wall. In the dim twilight was the first time I could see the pure mass of this man. He was larger then anyone I had ever seen before, almost 7 feet tall had to be well over 300 pounds.

My eyes grew larger as I watched the man attack my husband. I was speachless, all I wanted to do was scream, but I couldn't let out a single noise. The dark man pushed him against the wall, and I could see him fall to the ground. My husband was now unconscious. I saw the dark man turn towards me and I heard him laugh under his breath, a dark laugh that sounded red. It grew louder and more intense as he made his way to the bed. It was like a force hit me, a strong wind took my breath away and I submitted to my surroundings. I didn't struggle. I just lay back and forget everything that is going on around me. I'm like a rag doll, as his mass engolfs my body and rapes me. I feel nothing. Not physically or mentally. I'm just a mass on the bed.

Hours could have passed, and I wouldn't have known the difference. All I could remember was waking up with my husband hovering over me, "Wake up baby, I know you can. Wake up, I love you..." My eyes opened and the first thing I said, "Where are the kids?"

Both of us jumped up and ran downstairs. But the smell hit us before we could realize what was going on. I felt a cold, wetness, dampen my foot as I took my last step. I turned and saw red. Dark, red, blood everywhere. My heart stopped. And I fell to my knees.

Everything went dark.

The rest of the dream was in the view of my husband. I was no longer me.

I met a beautiful woman at the park the other day. Something was familier about her, and something just drew me in. It was like I knew her for years. There was something about her that just made me smile.

From the second I met her I felt like I couldn't let her go. We spent every waking moment with eachother for months. Laughing, joking, going to to park, laying in bed. Life felt perfect, but that's when it all started to come back to me.

The dark black, the red. Our life we had together. The rape. Our kids. Some part of my brain had suppressed it all. I began to remember the months after the accident, my wife had been speechless. Nothing could make her talk. Any life she had had gotten sucked out of her. She didn't smile, she didn't move. The woman I had once loved was gone. She was just a hollow soul.

I had nothing I could do but try a new treatment to erase our memories. But, it would cause us to forget everything about our pasts. I needed something to bring the life of the woman I loved back to her body. The consiquences couldn't outweigh her lifeless body. So, we began treatment. And slowly I could see her smile.

I remember the last day I saw her. She finally started to laugh again. And that's when the doctor told me, "It's your turn". I was confused, I didn't know what he meant? But he explained that with me still in the picture she could never regain the life she had before. I would always envoke a memory, and she could easily relaps. I made the hardest decision of my life, I decided I wanted her happiness above mine. And I began to erase her from my memory.

I never thought about her, she was gone. But seeing her again envoked all those memories of the life we had together.

It seemed like she still didn't remember her past life, so I knew what I had to do. I had to leave. I had to leave her again, before she remembered and became lifeless again.

The day I left her for the second time was the hardest day of my life. She stood on my porch crying, saying she didn't understand. That she would love me forever. I knew I would love her too, but I knew I had to let her go. So I stood there silently. I kissed her on the forehead and wiped her tears away. "Baby, I just want you to be happy"

My wife, my old life, and my love walked away in one quick turn. And I closed the door on my past.

Like Santorum Said...

...Education is for snobs.

Well, I must be as snobby as they come. Because I love being as educated as I can be on all subjects. Any subject really. I will sit down at my computer and google search things until my fingers begin to cramp and my eyes begin to squint so tight I seem like a *insert racial joke here* I once sat down for 3 hours just researching about different religions. I wanted to see if I could create my own based on examples from all, and guess what...I could, It was easy. I could get as many followers as I wanted, and it made sense...but that's another story.

One subject I can't seem to research enough though, is just how to go to school. How to people do it? How can you go to school so blindly, taking out massive amounts of loans that you will have to pay pack for the next 50 years of life? How can one blindly put themselves in that situation? I just want to get as much education in my field as I can, but I don't want to be paying back loans for years.

Right now, it does seem like school is for snobs. The snobs are the ones that can afford it without difficulty, and keep themselves in the upper middle class. And what I say, good for them! If I had an oppurtunity to go to school without working, or paying for it on my own, I would take it in a heartbeat. I would love to give my kids that same oppurtunity. But, It's almost impossible for one to go from lower class, to a "snob" without an education.

The upper class stay upper class, the lower class stay lower class. Man, I love government.

What I am giving up for LENT...

Religion

I'm gunna try this on my friends...

Boy how times have changed?

Words mean nothing if you can't feel them

I used to be really into this whole "writing" thing, until I realized that it wasn't something I really had skill at. I just write words down, that have no meaning to anyone but myself. Words mean nothing if you can't feel them: and I can't feel my words sometimes.

If you have to think too hard to get it, it's pointless. I don't want to try to read between the lines, I want to just know. So, for that reason I don't like reading either.

If I see something, I want to watch it in real life. Who knows what goes on behind the cameras, it could all just be pretend. So what's the point in watching it if it is all pretend.

When I live, and breath, I don't think I am really here. If I can't feel I am really here, then who says I am? Is life really worth living if you can't feel and see what is around you?

If I can't read behind the lines, then I can't understand what is really going on, can you?

Not to get all political or anything...

I Get It

Actions speak louder then words, but being passive aggressive says absolutely nothing.