Cinderella Girl

Cinderelly, Cinderelly

Night and day it's Cinderelly

Make the fire, fix the breakfast

Wash the dishes, do the mopping

And the sweeping and the dusting

They always keep her hopping

She goes around in circles

Till she's very, very dizzy

Still they holler

Keep a-busy Cinderelly!

This is how I feel day in and day out at home. Cleaning, Cleaning, all the time. No help from anyone. The biggest difference between Cinderella and I is that Cinderella got free room and board....that would be nice.

Gnarly

For about the last week I have had the most gnarly sickness I have had in a while. It started on about wednesday with some wonderful nausea all night long and a temp of 102. So, I called in sick on thursday and stayed up with a terrible fever all day long. I went back to work on friday, which was a bad idea because I ended up having white spots on my throat when I got there and I felt like I got a fever. I pulled through the end of the day and made an appointment to see my doctor in the afternoon. Turns out I had strep throat...great???

The doctor gave me some anti-biotics and said all my symptoms should be gone within 24 hours, and if they weren't, then to come back and they would test for mono. I spent the whole weekend huddled under a million blankets with a fever, not being able to eat, and my throat was still soar. Awesome? I went back to the doctors on Monday and they said I have all the symptoms of Mono...so I had to get my blood drawn and get tested. They gave me a doctors note, and I am not allowed to go back to work until friday.

So, the test came back negative...no mono!!!...just a gnarly viral infection on top of my strep...so I have been miserable...and had to miss an entire week of work. Which is great on the bank account??? NOT!!!!

My blood test did show that I have a really low blood count, so I do have to go back and get a follow up blood test in three weeks to make sure I don't have a blood clotting condition. If they are making me wait three weeks for the blood test they must not be too worried....so I'm sure it's fine.

Just keeping everyone up to date.

Don't expect me out of the house for a while. I'm broke. I had to scrape every nook and cranny I could find today just to come up with a couple dollars to buy groceries. Awesome??

15 Things About Myself

1. I'm a Unitarian Universialist. It is a branch of christianity. But, it's the only branch that I agree with every aspect. So, if you ask me what religion I am I will say, "Unitarian Universalist"...and not christian.

2. I don't go to church because I have never found one that doesn't make me confused and/or angry. But I'm not opposed to going to church...if I ever found one I actually enjoy. Is there really a point to going to church if you don't enjoy going?

3. I hate it when people say the word 'retard' in a derogatory sense. It offends me on a deep level. But even though it offends me, I will never let it on that I don't like that word...because I don't want to offend you. How's that for a double edge sword?

4. I randomly look at PETA.com, and cry. I wish I could be strong enough to be a vegan, because animal abuse makes me so sad.

5. I get angry when people call in sick to work for stupid reasons: like a cold, or a soar throat without a fever. Even if it doesn't directly effect me I get really angry. And I don't know why it effects me so much? I guess I just don't like big babies.

6. If I sound super disrespectful about death, I apologize. I have gone through so much death in my life, that I am way to relaxed about it. Yes, when someone dies it is sad, but I know from experience you have to always look for the light in any situation. Unfortunately since I have dealt with this situation already so much in my life it has made me to relaxed and almost a little disrespectful towards death.

7. Debbie Downers, and Negative Nancys are not my friends. If you want to look at the dark side of life, you can go and be dark in your own little room by yourself. What are you waiting for? No one will miss you. ; )

8. I really enjoy being all by myself for long periods of time. I used to go to bed at like 8 at night growing up, and stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning just hanging out with myself: painting, taking pictures, listening to music, or just sitting there thinking all alone in the quiet. I loved it!

9. I'm really never going to be much of a drinker. I have grown up with alcoholics in my family, and the last thing I want for my future family is for me to be the alcoholic. I'm worried if I start drinking now, I'm going to end up being an alcoholic in the future.

10. I think I grew up too fast. Actually, I know I grew up too fast. When you go through as many traumatic experiences as I did as a child, it really makes you grow up a lot faster then others.

11. My parents hate eachother, they aren't even on speaking terms anymore. And that makes me really sad. I think about it a lot more often then you would assume. I'm worried that they are going to create a sceane at every big event in my life (wedding, baby, etc.). And it makes me very sad that two people who could have had 3 kids together and been so much in love at one point can no longer stand eachother. I'm worried for my future. I never want to put my children through a divorce.

12. I think every single person I know is a bad driver. I rarely feel safe in a car unless I am driving. There are a select few I feel safe with...but the rest...I'm terrified of for some reason. It's really nothing against you...I just have a weird thing about driving.

13. All I want to be when I grow up is a wife and a mother. I know it sounds so "old world", but for some reason, I feel it in my bones that that is just what I have to do. The more I work with children the more I feel I will be a good mommy.

14. I want to adopt several children in my future, and be a foster parent. I think there is no better gift in life then being role model for a child.

15. I fear that I will be obese when I get older. I love food and being lazy too much. I need to find a way to get myself motivated!

I don't know why I think this is so funny...

No Turning Back Now

I can't believe I actually bought my tickets to Europe finally. It's official. There is no turning back. I'm a little worried about money...but man...when you have the opportunity...you have to take it. You are only young once you know.

I'll be gone for a whole month traveling around Great Britain and Germany. I'm so excited! I can't believe it is only a few months away.

I'm worried about money, and the fact I will be flat broke when I come back. I'm worried because my boss still hasn't even gotten back to me about my time off. And I'm just worried for the trip itself. It's so far away from home, and a whole month! Crazy. I'm going to miss so many people like crazy...but honestly...I'll probably miss my dog the most. ; )

When life get's a little down all I have to do is email one of my best friends from Germany, and they always have the exact right things to say. This is from Jenny:

"Every-time I think that my life isn't going as planned I think of how young we really are!"

It's just the absolute perfect thing for me to be thinking right now. And I say that mantra daily.

Thanks so much Jenny, I don't know what I would do without you! And I can't wait to see you again in August!

See, I have friends!

Child: Amber, Come here, I have to tell your something

(I bend down to come eye to eye with the child)

Child: You are my friend!

(Child leans in and gives me a hug)

Me: Thank You, you are my friend too!!!

...oh the joys of working with 2 year olds! They are so adorable. They always make my day feel better! : )

My Little Precious

How can you not love this face???

Lately I feel like everyone hates my puppy. It's so sad. So many people that come over just yell at her all the time. I understand she is a hyper hyper puppy, and it is annoying that she is jumping. But when she is just sitting on your lap cuddling....it's not appropriate to yell, "Off" or "Down". When she is being good, or just wanting to play because she has been locked in her kennel all day, there is no reason to yell at my little precious.

She likes to jump in your face, and lick it to death....it's cute...not gross. She likes a little nibble...cuz she is kinky like that. She is the most precious little puppy in the whole wide world...and yes...she is a little annoying...but I love her. It just makes me sad that no one else loves her.

That's IT!

....I'm moving to Canada, and becoming a Canadian citizen. I'm tired of being sick all the freaking time and not being able to go to the doctor because I don't have health insurance. I need medical insurance...so that's it! I'm moving to Canada so I can get healthcare.

...I wish....

Lent

For the last several weeks I have removed facebook from my life. Nightly I would come home and be on facebook for hours on end, just browsing from page to page. I would look at peoples wedding photos, baby photos, travel photos, and emerse myself in other peoples lives. Yea, I'm kind of nosey, if you didn't already guess. But, as I was browsing I found myself slowing getting more and more addicted to facebook. So, I decided to go without it for Lent. 40 days of no facebook. And so far, I have learned a lot.

I think the reason I emersed myself so greatly into facebook was pure jealousy. I loved looking at wedding and baby photos, because that is where I want to be. I would look at wedding photos and secretly plan my own future wedding, and look at baby photos and wonder what I would be like as a mom. I would emerse myself so deeply because my life is in a standstill, and everyone else seems to be moving forward. I love to watch my friends grow up and getting married and have babies, it's so amazing the changes people go through. And thinking about them, kept me distracted from focusing on my life staying still.

So, now, without facebook I just get to dwell in my own life rather then emerse myself in other's. And I don't know if it is necessarily a good thing or not. I am not getting more stuff done...like I though I would with facebook. I'm just getting more and more depressed dwelling in my own life.

Facebook also has always been a place for social interactions. Commenting on photos, leaving people a little "hello" message, and even "event invitations". It's a great place to stay social. But without facebook, I really realize how few real friends I have. Its one in a great few that actually contact me still. I get a random text here and there, but really, I don't talk to anyone anymore. I have a select few that I talk too, but I never hang out with anyone. Without facebook, I never leave the house. It's so strange how dependant our society can be on an internet website.

Life without facebook has been interesting, and not at all what I thought it would be like.

No School

It looks like there will be no school for me for a while. I have not been able to find a scholarship for this upcoming quarter, and there is no way I can afford to pay for it out of pocket. So, no school for a while. In one way it will be really nice because I can just focus on work, traveling, and life. But in another it really sucks, because all I want to do is go to school. Without school it will give me more time to concentrate on exactly how I will be able to pay for it for next year. I can apply for a million scholarships, and figure out what will happen...so that is always good.

It's just a bummer. Sometimes I feel like people that actually go to school are taking it for granted. They actually have to oppurtunity to attend school. They don't even know how lucky they are. If only I was as lucky to be able to lie on my FAFSA to get into school, have parents that could pay for it, work the government in weird ways, and all the other crazy ways people go to school. But alas. I'm normal. Normal people always get the short end of the stick. And it sucks.

I wish the people that REALLY wanted to go to school, could.

Life Sucks, Then it is Over

...basically, that's life in a nutshell sometimes. Sometimes it feels like your life does nothing but rolls downhill, lands in a big mud puddle and sits there to stew for a few months. But, at that point, you can do two things: 1. Sit there and look like a big muddy idiot, or 2. Get up, get a bath, and get some clean clothes. It's really your choice.

Right now, I feel like just sitting here for a little while longer. Yea, I don't mind looking like the idiot here and there, there has to be someone after all.

Sometimes life just sucks, and right now, I am in my downhill spiral. I want to go back to school, but I couldn't qualify for finacial aid. I don't qualify for any low-income funding, because I guess I am not low-income. I can not afford to pay for school. So I am just stuck. I have to start looking for scholarships, but I have yet to find any that I can qualify for. It feels like my life is just going to keep rolling downhill before it gets better.

I'm sick, again. I had bacterial tonsilitis, the a sinus infection, which caused a herniated eardrum, then a 24 hour stomach flu, then swollen glands for 2 weeks, and now I have a nasty cold. All back to back. All within the last two months. I haven't felt healthy in a good 2 months. And I have spent a total of $800 on doctors visits, medicine, and missing work. Great?

All this has meant that I have no money to go to school next quarter, let alone next year. I guess I will just have to get scholarships, but it looks like there are none of those.

Then there is my home life, and work. But those always have their ups and downs, so I wont go into too much detail with that.

Right now I am just in a mood where, Life Sucks! I am going to sit and dwell in my misery for a little while...so deal. But don't worry, I have every inch of faith telling me I will climb out soon!