False Expectations

Why are we censoring reality? Is there such a thing as sheltering the world too much?

Yes, I believe in happy endings. I believe that there are "happily ever afters" but I also believe that "happily ever afters" can only go on so long. Eventually you die. Eventually it all ends. And there is no stopping it. Sorry, I'm blunt, simple and too the point. But, I don't censor, like now-a-days.

The fairy-tails that our great-great-grandmothers grew up with were real. The little mermaid never got her prince, the evil stepsisters carved their feet off, and snow white died. Simply put: they were real fairy-tails. There was none of this "happily ever after" that we think there was.

I understand that sheltering your kids from reality is a great job of a parent, but really, is there too much. Take the most popular series now-a-days "Twilight", is this really a great example that we should be giving our kids *SPOILER ALLERT*. Among all odds, there is a "happily ever after". Everything ends up being absolutly perfect when you are 18 years old, and your first love will be the love of your life forever and eternity. Seriously dudes. That is not how it works. Most of the time highschool love isn't really highschool love, and your marriage at 18 is most likely not going to work. Simple story. Why are we giving kids all these false expectations of how "life really is".*SPOILER OVER*

Isn't this all just setting people up for an even bigger dissapointment? If you are expecting to find the love of your life when you are 18, getting married, and living "happily ever after", wouldn't you be more dissapointed then if you believe that love happens when it happens, and it might not for a long time. Seriously. I hate all these false expectations.

Here is the true story: Life sucks sometimes, you don't always get what you want, and life doesn't work out the way your plan. BUT, there are times that are amazing, there are moments that take your breath away, and life truly is worth living. Shoot for the stars, but if you only make it half way, be happy nestling in the clouds because you will know that was the best you could do, and you tried your hardest.

There are no "Happily Ever Afters", but as long as you live happy, there are "Happily Ever Todays".

"Cleaning"

I'm trying to clean away some old pieces of me. I deleted my old facebook page. I was obsessed. I would stay on for hours at a time just to see what people's status updates where. People that I didn't even care about, or really know that well. A very random mutual acquaintance you met one time at a party is suddenly your friend on facebook, and now, every status update is part of your life. It seems like this is the new way of life. And I am just sick of it.

I'm starting to clean away my old slate. And start to get more into the realness of life. Away from the cyber space of it all. If people are really my friends they don't need to contact me via the internet. They can contact me in person. Simple enough.

I'm done with all this drama on facebook. People trying to make random statements with their status'. Trying to look cool by what they say. Bragging about how drunk they are by posting 10million drunk pictures for the world to see. I'm done with it all. I don't need to see another "photography" album from a random 17 year old who is now suddenly a photographer. I don't want people to back talk me any more via wall posts. I don't "like" status' and you don't "like" mine. Simple enough.

Facebook is just done. I'm sick of it. So I'm cleaning the slate, the best I know how. I can not delete facebook all together, because honestly, it is a great way to find people you have lost contact with, but I can delete how I used to use it. I deleted my old facebook, all it's pictures, all the comments, all the EVERYTHING and started a new one. I'm only going to be accepting friends I want to keep. And will not be tagging anyone in pictures (or myself). No one needs to be on the internet 10million times, and frankly no on cares that much.

I'm done with facebook drama. Done!

I'm cleaning.

Dependancy

There are times when I feel ashamed to tell the people I am close to what my ultimate "career choice" is, and there are other times when I feel completely comfortable. Most of the time I feel ashamed. I think it is mainly because I know that so many people that are close to me look down on it. They can't see the bigger picture, and think I am selling myself short.

I do not view my choice as selling myself short, I view it as doing something that I know I will absolutely love. My ultimate choice is that I want to be a mom. That is it. Nothing else matters to me. I think that is why I am so wishy washy about school, and any job I have until I become I mommy. I know that any career I chose now I am going to give up for the future, and I know that any career I choose to peruse with schooling is something I am going to give up as well. So, it has taken me a while to think of a "what's the point"? Aspect.

Honestly, I am a planner. I need some sort of plan in my life. Right now I can not "plan" to raise a family, so I need another plan in my life until my ultimate plan can start unraveling. My plan as of now is to get my degree in Early Childhood Education (what can I say, I love kids) and one day own my own daycare. I believe that if I own my own at home daycare, that will be something that I can still do once I have kids without giving up being a "stay at home mom". I need to have this small plan, before I can start on the big one.

I see all these people that are young having children, and I am jealous. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could start now. But on the other hand, there are things that I know I should do first, like: be financially stable for one! HA!

It is just a bummer when your ultimate career is one dependent on another person.

Life is Getting Good

I would say that I feel like my life is beginning, but there really isn't an easy way to pin point when your life starts? Is it as you exit the womb? Or when that first sperm hits the egg? When you speak your first word, or start understanding simple sentences? Or way after that. After you have experienced so much life to actually understand it? Or when.

My life is not beginning, but I finally feel like I am on the right step to some place I want to go.

I am finally starting a major that I am actually going to enjoy. I absolutely love taking care of children, and I know I will love majoring in Early Childhood Education. I love school, and I love the idea of going back to school.

I love where my life is headed lately, and I think that a big part if it is me learning to finally enjoy all the life that I have already led. All the good and bad times has made me who I am today, and I think I am a pretty awesome chick. I love me, I love life, and I love living it.

Finally.

An Adult Peter Pan

I feel like it is kind of pointless to write in my blog sometimes, because I know no one ever actually reads it. But writing is a form of expression, and right now, I just need to get it all out. I need to express my emotions, and just write gibberish that no one will read.

It's better then expressing my emotions in a different way, right? Don't want me to end up like Jeffery Dahmer or anything.

I'm sitting here with my bubbly water, just thinking: life sucks sometimes. No matter how great my life is, and how much I know my life is going in the right direction, there are still times when it just sucks. My life has had so many of these moments.

I don't want to play the "poor me" card, but there are just so many stupid little things that have gone on in my life, it just sucks: my youngest brother's death, my next youngest brother's serious brain injury, a kid I babysit for died, a parent of a kid I babysat for died, my parents have gone through a divorce forcing me to "pick sides" and move from house to house, my mom is an alcoholic, as well as dated a guy that made me realize that there really is such a thing as a person that was born to be a bad person. So many stupid little things, that sometimes I just get overwhelmed.

I'm not by any means saying that my life is worse off then yours (because it isn't), and I am not saying that I have led a bad life (because I haven't), I am just saying it all get's way to overwhelming sometimes.

I have gone through more in my life then a lot of kids my own age have, and this has forced me to grow up faster then most. I don't like to do normal "kid things", because I don't feel like a kid. But, I don't like to do adult things either, because I don't feel like an adult. I am lost, somewhere in the middle of being a kid and an adult. I am forever burdened with the fact of being an adult Peter Pan--just somewhere in the middle.

There are people that have had it way worse then me, but I think we all have to wallow in our self pity once in a while. We all have to feel like our problems are the biggest problems in the world--it's the only true way to really come to terms with life.

Motivation

Lately, I have just had no motivation to write, and frankly no one reads this anyways. I've always said that I write more often when I am depressed rather then when I am actually happy, and I guess it is true, because lately I have just lacked motivation, but I have been happier then ever.

Things change when I get happy, I write less, but I do more. I spend less time on the computer, and get more motivation to clean the house and do things that need to get done, but, I think the change that I really need to work on is: my bitchiness. When I am happy, I get even more bitchy to certain people then normal. To anyone that I think might stiffen my happiness....I bitch at. Seriously, It's awful. If you say, "I'm sick", I say, "Who Cares?"...really, I don't know what is wrong with me?

I think it all goes back to the fact that I am happiest when I am alone. And since everyone annoys me, I don't want one person to stiffen my happiness with their stupid, annoying, little problems. Ha! And yes, that is such a little bitchy move, but I guess that is just me.

I'm worried though that I am going to push away what little friends I do have with my blunt, rude, bitchy, attitude. Although, I am happiest alone, I do appreciate my friends.

I guess the real test of friendship, is to see if you can handle me when I am truly happy? Ha, I'm really odd.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

In these last few weeks I have been transforming my life. Switching my job has been for the better. I am over-all a lot happier, and it shows in all aspects of life. I have officially lost 17lbs! And I keep getting smaller. I am happier, and have more motivation to do stuff, like actually get the house organized. Life has just been great.

To really symbolize the changes I've made in my life, I decided to cut my hair. I love it. So much lighter. 13 inches!!!

Before:

After:

I feel like I lost 10 Lbs.!