It's better then expressing my emotions in a different way, right? Don't want me to end up like Jeffery Dahmer or anything.
I'm sitting here with my bubbly water, just thinking: life sucks sometimes. No matter how great my life is, and how much I know my life is going in the right direction, there are still times when it just sucks. My life has had so many of these moments.
I don't want to play the "poor me" card, but there are just so many stupid little things that have gone on in my life, it just sucks: my youngest brother's death, my next youngest brother's serious brain injury, a kid I babysit for died, a parent of a kid I babysat for died, my parents have gone through a divorce forcing me to "pick sides" and move from house to house, my mom is an alcoholic, as well as dated a guy that made me realize that there really is such a thing as a person that was born to be a bad person. So many stupid little things, that sometimes I just get overwhelmed.
I'm not by any means saying that my life is worse off then yours (because it isn't), and I am not saying that I have led a bad life (because I haven't), I am just saying it all get's way to overwhelming sometimes.
I have gone through more in my life then a lot of kids my own age have, and this has forced me to grow up faster then most. I don't like to do normal "kid things", because I don't feel like a kid. But, I don't like to do adult things either, because I don't feel like an adult. I am lost, somewhere in the middle of being a kid and an adult. I am forever burdened with the fact of being an adult Peter Pan--just somewhere in the middle.
There are people that have had it way worse then me, but I think we all have to wallow in our self pity once in a while. We all have to feel like our problems are the biggest problems in the world--it's the only true way to really come to terms with life.
I don't want to sound trite, Amber, but life does suck sometimes. We just think that when we get older, it will all go away and poof, nothing bad will ever happen again. You have had an inordinate amount of sadness in your life and I think it is perfectly okay to wallow in the pool of self-pity. None of the things that happened were your fault and your mom's response is no fault of yours, either. You have a really sweet bf and a job you love. My repsonse to the years of abuse from my stepfather was to get either drunk or stoned to stop the pain. Please don't do this. I can't remember much from my late teens, early 20s. I did graduate from WWU and worked most of the time. But, I was self-medicating ina dangerous way. It took me until I was in my late 30s to really figure out what happened because of all the trauma. It is a long story but I survived and so will you. Be strong and keep your friends close by.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to tell you I love you and I miss you like crazy and I wanted to remind you that Ive been there for you since the begining and just cause I'm not in the state doesnt mean I'm not still there. I'm only a phone call away or a 20 hour drive or a fairly cheap plane ticket from Bellingham to LA!!
ReplyDeleteJodi Williams