Judgemental

I have met more judgmental people in the past several months then I have in my entire life. The rest of my life I have been lucky to be able to surround myself with easy going, laid back friends that are optimistic and happy. However, in the last several months things have changed, and unfortunately I have met more judgmental negative people then I have in my entire life. Meeting all these people give off a negative energy that I seem to feed on, and it is really starting to get to me.

Throughout my life I have been given home-made gifts from many different people saying, "Most Optimistic", "Most Easy-Going", "Happiest to be Around", etc. And I have been lucky to surround myself with people who are very similar to me. People that enjoy life, and enjoy living in life. People that try to find the joy in everything, and keep a smile on their face. I hang around people that wear fat suits into town, and draw mustaches on their face. My friends make funny dinosaur noises in public and wear obnoxious clothing. I have friends from every religion, and almost every ethnicity. I have friends from many different sexual backgrounds, and family backgrounds. And guess what, I love them all.

Being around judgmental people exhaust me. It physically drains me. Not because I'm offended, or my feelings are hurt, I have just never dealt with that before. I didn't even know it really existed I suppose. I mean, I knew what the word meant, and it had to come from somewhere I suppose, but I didn't really think there were people out there that I would describe as "judgmental".

I suppose there always had to be right, otherwise why would there be wars? If everyone was happy and agreed on everything, there would be nothing to fight about and wars wouldn't exist. But if everyone agreed, then everyone would be the same and wouldn't that be boring. So, I suppose it takes all sort of people to make the world go round, right?

Mumbo Jumbo

I feel like I need to blog, but I don't really have anything specific to blog about. I have so many thoughts in my head, but none of them coincide, which means that this blog is going to be one long piece of mumbo jumbo.

Europe: I am in the process of planning my trip to europe for August. I'm super excited, and super nervous. But right now, I feel mainly frustrated. I'm not saving as much money as I would like, and I am starting to get worried I may run out of money while I'm in Europe. It's also frusterating planning a trip with people that live internationally. It's not their fault, or mine, it's just frustrating as far as communication. I'm frustrated because I'm going to miss a month at work, and I know I will miss so many things while I'm gone it will be hard to get back into the swing of things. Right now I'm more frustrated then excited....things need to change.

School: I want to go back to school, but I still haven't found a way how. I don't qualify for any scholarships, or financial aid, and I can't pay for it myself. So it seems like I am SOL. The problem is, I am also lacking motivation because neither of my boss' even have a degree, so I don't really see the point in getting one. I love learning, I love going to school, so if I can go to school I will just for the enjoyment. But there really is no point getting a loan or paying out of pocket, because it is just a degree you don't really need anyways.

Future: Plans for the future keep changing by forces not controlled by me. I understand that he is allowed to change his mind at any time, and I shouldn't have to do something he doesn't like, but...he changes his mind all the time. At first he was going to become a nurse, then we were going to do traveling nursing for our first few years of marriage. Now, he is auditioning for a quartet (which is amazing because it is world renowned), but that is putting school off for many more years....which means we will be in the EXACT SAME PLACE for years to come. But, now, he doesn't think he wants to become a nurse anymore. He doesn't know what he wants, and he still doesn't want a full time job because it will interfere with singing. I'm glad he has a hobby (and he is absolutely amazing at it), but I'm worried he isn't being responsible and looking at the bigger picture. I'm worried he is going to be a bum. Yes, I said it. I'm worried he is just going to diddy daddle and end up working at a "Piggly Wiggly" for ever. This is all just coming out of love of course, I just worry about him. I worry about his future. I worry about my future. I worry about our future.

House: On the subject of "thinking about the future", I have been thinking lately that when I come back from Europe I will start saving to buy a house. My dream would be to own a house by the time I'm 30. Now, I'm not going to be looking for my "dream house"....but it would be nice to own property. A tiny "fixer-uper" that I can gain equity in...sell...and then buy an even bigger and nicer house. Or property for cheap that I can eventually build a nice house on. I don't know...it's just something I have been considering lately. I would rather save for a house then a wedding....a wedding is for a day...a house is your future you know. And I am not having a child until I own a house.

My Weight: I feel like I'm at a stand still. I've been the same weight for a while now. I'm maintaining it...which is great...but I'm working hard and not losing anything! It is a big downer.

22: I'm 22....I feel like I'm getting old. And I feel like I'm young. I feel like I should have done more by now, and I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm being held back, and I feel like I'm holding myself back. I feel like I could be more, but I like who I am. Being 22 is confusing. But isn't that life?

Do I Wedding Bells?...

...yes...but they aren't mine. I'm at that point in my life where everyone is getting married and having babies...and I'm just here. That is fine, I have a great relationship, a great job, a great dog, a great house, and I love my life...but when weddings are all around you, you can't help but think about yours.

I look forward too, and plan mine, all the time. That doesn't mean I necessarily want to get married right now, but it is something I think about often. I guess...I'm just a girl. It's normal to think about about these things. I can't talk to Josh about these things because...he's afraid to grow up...so obviously he's a little afraid of getting married. Ha! The life of someone dating Peter Pan I suppose.

But, since I can't talk about my future wedding, I might as well post about it on a place that Josh will never read....MY BLOG! I just have to get it out of my system somewhere...and here is the perfect place...so for your benefit:

My Future Wedding to My Future husband that I may or may not know at this point because you never know how life takes you (long title?...I'll work on that)

Colors: Purple and Orange (or sunset colors: purple, orange, with accent colors of red, pink, yellow and gold)

I just love how they look together. So vibrant and happy, and so different. Not many people dream of their wedding being ten thousand different colors....but I do!

Bridesmaids dresses:

I know I want them to be a gold or a yellow color with a bright orange, purple, pink, red, and yellow bouquet. The style I want has to have large straps (like the above or perhaps a halter) because so far all three of the bridesmaids I would have have large boobs, and I want them to be able to wear a bra. No saggy boobies at my wedding. I want them perky and ready to play. I do want a short dress, because I want a spring/summer wedding.

Ha, I've even picked my ring and my dress:

And really, that is about all I have planned so far. I know I want bar food and karaoke. I want to walk down the aisle to the song "Because" by the beatles, and I want to learn a "first dance" so we don't just sway back and forth. I want there to be wine and beer...but just a little, as to not have drunks at the wedding. But most of all, I want to have fun, and I want everyone that leaves to realize they just attended the most fun wedding they will ever attend in their life...what a way to start a marriage eh?

On that note, right now I'm on the fence about being married. On one hand, it would be awesome, because I have found the person I know I want to spend the rest of my life with and I truly know he is the one. I love him more then anything. We live together, and basically are married already. So why wait? But on the other hand, what is the rush? I know I don't want to have babies for a few more years, and there is no way I can afford to buy a house, neither of us have money saved up or steady jobs...so really, there is no rush.

I don't think marriage should be a rushed decision. Marriage is one of (if not the biggest) decisions of your life, and shouldn't be rushed into. I do want to wait until I am financially stable, and am ready to start other chapters of my life (buying a house, having kids, etc.), but until then...it's still fun to do a little wedding planning ; )

Oxymoron

Isn't it basically an oxymoron (emphasis on the "moron") to whine and complain about someone whining and complaining? Until recently I always thought I whined and complained a lot, but comparatively, I'm nothing.

Comparatively, I'm chill, relax, and easy-going. I'm patient and kind, and always in a good mood.

I'm the kind of person that will walk out of my way to put the cart back in the cart return. I will help the elderly carry their groceries, and wait around to listen to their awesome stories. If I find a wallet, I will return it, without taking anything. Once while on a walk, I noticed someone's car door was open and their light was on, so I knocked on their door to let them know so their battery wouldn't die. I smile and wave at everyone that looks at me. I smile not even realizing why I'm smiling.

Isn't it funny how it takes the exact opposite of you to realize how truly awesome you are sometimes?

Reoccurring Character

About 3 years ago I started having dreams here and there with the same character. It is not in every dream I have, but rather, in my dreams every couple of months. Whenever I am holding what I know to be, "My baby" in a dream, it is always the exact same baby. When I wake up, I still can see what that baby looks like, the face is so clear.

When I was little I had a younger brother that passed away. He was only 5 days old when he was gone. This baby--my baby--looks like him. My baby is always a little boy that looks like my younger brother but darker. He has tanner baby skin, and very light (almost greenish) eyes. He is absolutely breathtaking. And it's funny, because it seems like it could be mine. My younger brother and I looked a lot alike as babies. If I do end up getting married and having babies with Josh, that would explain the darker skin as well as the lighter eyes.

This baby has only been appearing in my dreams for the last three years (starting a little over a year since Josh and I started dating). I wonder if in some way, this may be a premonition of the future. What if this is what my child actually looks like? What if when I do have a baby, that is him, and I can already see him in my dreams? I hope so. In my dreams, and when I wake up I love him so much. I can still sense him (and the love for him) when I wake up. It's as if I already have a child to live for, because I can see what is meant to be.

I guess only time can tell if this is a premonition or not.