Opportunities

Opportunities are only given to the weak, the rest of us have to fight for what we want. Recently I was reading up on private schools (just for shits and giggles) and noticed a selling point they had for some of the schools. "99 percent of our grads go to college." While that is great and all I feel like that is less about academics and more about opportunities. 

There was a very large percent of my graduating class that decided on a two-year school over a four-year university.  Was this because they didn't get accepted or weren't smart enough? No, it was mainly for financial reasons. My school wasn't full of wealthy socialites, but rather, full of kids of the working class. We aren't given the opportunities.  We have to work for what we are given.

The sad part is that sometimes you have to realize that when you start at the bottom it is impossible to work your way up no matter how far you climb. A fish can never truly climb a tree no matter how hard it tries. Sometimes the normal people truly are just normal. And I guess that is as good as it gets.

Always the "Smart Girl"...

I was always the "Smart Girl". If someone needed help with their homework, or needed an answer to a question, they would come to me. I usually knew the answer, or at least how to find it. When I was talking to people, they always said I sounded "educated" with the vacabulary I used. I never thought I was a genious, but I did know I was smart.

I never took pride in my appearance, or thought I was the "Pretty Girl". I knew I was smart, and I am good with that. I am a very confident person, I don't need people to tell me if I look good. I knew I was smart, and really that is good enough.

It wasn't until recently that I found out that I am not the "Smart Girl". I always knew I was smart, and thought I was pretty, but it turns out I am both. Or, at least that's what I got from it.

A few weeks ago I found out that an old friend of my fiance has been talking bad about me. I'm not sure of all the details, but I know she thinks I am "dumb". She often corrects my spelling on social media sites, and likes to . I always thought she was just joking and being fun, but I guess I was mistaking. The funny thing is, when I found that out all I could do was laugh.

This news only made me more confident. I was always the "Smart Girl". And, I still am. Just because she thinks she is smarter then me (at just grammar I guess?), doesn't mean I am dumb. So, of course that didn't bother me. But, the weird part about this information is that it actually made me more confident. The reason? Because I know she thinks I'm pretty. She has made many remarks to my looks, and it has always come across in a positive way. This girl doesn't think I'm smart, but I know she thinks I'm pretty.

I guess I am now the "Pretty Girl". The funny thing, is I know I am still the "Smart Girl", but now I also know that I am the "Pretty Girl". I really do have it all.

Sometimes all it takes is one comment to really boost your self-esteem. Because we all knew I had a problem with confidence right?

This time next year...

...I'll be getting married!!! It's so crazy to think about. It feels so "grown up"...and yet, I still don't feel like an adult.

It's been about 2 weeks since we have officially moved in together, and things couldn't be going any better. It makes me so happy to come home and know it's "our place". I know that he'll be home soon, and we can be together. This is mine, this is his, and this is ours. Finally, a place to call our own.

I never thought it was this fun sharing.

Realization

Sometimes I just look down at my finger, and am reminded how lucky I am.

I wish all problems were child sized

I can handle children problems like no bodies business...but when it comes to adult problems, that's another story. When I get too stressed out, I just want to sit in a ball and cry myself to sleep. Honestly, that's the only way I know how to handle myself in a truly stressful situation.

That's what I feel like doing right now. Actually, about 5 seconds ago I was. I lay curled up in my bed, crying as hard as I could. Nothing is wrong with me, my life is pretty good actually, but I just can't handle how parents don't know how to take care of themselves. How did they go through an entire childhood taking care of us, then grow up to not know how to do anything? It simply makes no sense.

My dad is going to get evicted. Case and point...there is no stopping it. It is for no other reason besides the fact that he is lazy and a procrastinator. He has had since the beginning of the year to find somewhere new, but no, he is still in the same spot. He just keeps getting extensions  But the fact of the matter is, those extensions are going to stop at some point. And you know what is going to happen? I'm going to see him on the curb, begging for money. Because he wont help himself, or let me help him. He wont do anything besides let things just run their course. He could have so much, but instead he is letting himself go. And I can't.

It would break my heart to see him on the side of the road, but that's where all the signs point too. And he wont stop it. I don't even know what to do anymore. There is no way to talk any sense into him.

So meanwhile, I just lay here...night after night, having these awful nightmares of my father not getting help and being all alone. It's awful. There's nothing I can do, and if there were, I have no time to do it...or the money. Because, I have to take care of myself too.

Then, when I finally feel like I can make it through the night...J gets taken away from me because his parents have no idea how to take care of themselves either. We both know they are too dependent on him, but what are you supposed to do? They are your parents, so you have to tend to their beck and call regardless. You love them, and they love you. It's family, no matter what's wrong...you have to try and fix it.

But it still sucks.

This is why I want to move away. I know moving away from your problems doesn't fix it...but it would at least give me time to focus on myself for like 10 minuets. That's all I want. I want to focus on me, I want to focus on the wedding, and me moving, and my career. But every time I think I feel like things are working out...things just pile up and fall down. Crash and burn.

I just wish I could solve adult problems as easy as I could solve kid problems. But, I guess they aren't as easy to solve.

A night alone...

This is potentially one of the last nights I will ever spend alone. I'm at my house, and he is at his. We spend most nights together...either both at mine, or both at his. But tonight, it just worked out best for us to sleep apart. And I am alone.

But it's weird. This might be one of the last nights I spend alone, in my own apartment. We've applied to an apartment, and have the potential to move in together in mid-may. And then, I'll never be in my own house, alone again. It will always be "ours".

And you know what, I'm okay with that. It's not scary, or weird, or depressing...it's nothing but awesome. I'm excited for the future, i'm excited to share my life, and I'm excited to not have my "on my own" night. Of course their might be nights where I'm "alone"...but I'll still be in "our" house.

Being one in the part of two is much better then just being one whole, on your own.

When I was getting ready in the locker room at the gym yesterday I overhead a conversation between two slightly overweight women,"Oh, I don't think I'm going to work out today because my pants are a little loose", the other one responds, "Well, if you aren't going to work out then neither am I". They both started laughing, and talking about other things, but then left and didn't work out. This is not the first time I've seen them there, and not working out. Everyday there is a new excuse why they shouldn't, and that they will soon. I always over hear the conversation, and it just makes me feel sad.

Whenever I am at the gym I never look at someone overweight and think, "Gross". I always think, "Good for them!"...or I don't even notice them at all because I am busy working out. It makes me feel sad that people have such low self-confidence that they refuse to even try and better themselves for fear of embarrassment. I feel like these girls I hear in the locker room are only coming up with excuses, rather then trying something out that will make them feel better in the long run. I wish I had the courage to go up to them and tell them they are beautiful. I wish I could tell them that they don't need to fear the gym. The gym will only make them feel better in the long run, no one will make fun of you, and you will look as awesome as you feel.

Instead of saying anything, I mindlessly overhear their conversations and say nothing. But for anyone out there reading it, that needs that extra boost....YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! Working out shouldn't be a chore, or something you are afraid of. Once you go for a few days...you will get over the fear. You will feel more confident, and better then you ever have felt. Every day you go you will feel better. And as you lose weight, gain muscle, and feel more fit, your confidence will only go up. Everyone is beautiful at all different sizes. The gym isn't about looking like a Barbie, it's about feeling happy with the body you have. It's about looking and ultimately feeling better. No one is going to make fun of someone that feels great.

You are beautiful.

Only 3 more...

We only have 3 more schools to hear from. Only 3 more places we could potentially live. I am getting used to the fact of staying in Bellingham, but I'm still excited about leaving. I've lived here my whole life, I know everyone...it would be good to get out, at least once.

I was driving home the other day and there was road work. Instead of taking the detour that the construction crew already laid out, I went my own way. I know the roads around here just as well (if not better) then them. It would be weird to go somewhere I don't know. I'll have to live off of directions for a while, and not know where I am. I could potentially live in a new climate. I could live somewhere where you wear sandals all the time, and rain is a treat.

It would be fun, it would be weird, it would be exciting. And, it might not happen. I'm staying positive for change, but the fact that we might stay here brings enough change that it's okay. We'll still move (downtown), I'll live with a boy, buy new furniture, start planning a wedding, and start a new life. It will still be fun...and either way, I'm excited.

Only 3 more....

Happy New Year, New Changes, New Life

Well, Happy New Year everyone! I can't believe it's already March. It's funny how fast time flies. So far, 2013 has been an exciting one. It's a year full of big changes, and a begining of a new life. I'm excited for this year and the years to come. I'm excited for life, and I am happy where I am.

The biggest change so far happend only a few days ago: I'M ENGAGED! I'm so excited and happy! I honestly couldn't be happier. It is the best feeling in the world to be loved, and even better to know you are loved in return. I'm so happy that I found the love of my life, and I get to enjoy a whole lifetime with him by my side. He is the best man I could have possilbly dreamed of, and I am so excited to be his wife one day. 

The Proposal: 

It all happened a few days ago when I got home from work. I was just getting out of the shower when he came over. He told me to hurry up and get dressed because he had something for me. I thought this was a little weird because, let's be honest, when does a man ever WANT their woman to get dressed? But, I obliged and he went to get my gift. He came back shortly with a huge box. I was excited! He told me that it was his late Valentines day gift, and I believed him because he hadn't gotten me an actual gift for Valentines day. So I opened the box, and inside was a smaller box, and a smaller one...and so on. I was laughing, and very curious what would be in the smaller boxes. When it got to the end all that was inside was a pair of shamrock socks and a half eaten bag of sixlets. I laughed, shrugged, and said thank you. I have to be honest, I was a little bummed that that was the WHOLE gift. But I still said thank you and started to clean up the mess. As I was cleaning up I turned around and he was down on his knees holding the ring and said, "Oh, and I also want you to marry me". The first thing out of my mouth was, "Oh it's so shiny and pretty!!!" hahahaha, then he said, "So I guess that's a yes?" and of course I said "Yes!"

I couldn't be happier with the ring he chose either. It's white gold, with an aquamarine stone, and two diamonds on either side. All the filigree on the sides is amazing. I can't stop looking at it. I have never seen such an unique ring. He told me he had to get something as unique as I am, and I think he got it!

So now, I am officially getting married! That's the first big step that this year has brought on. We haven't set a date yet, and we have no idea when that will actually happen. But it's fun to know that he will always be in my future. I don't have my plans anymore just "ours". And I couldn't be happier about it. 

The main reason we can't set a date now though, is the fact that we are still waiting for him to hear back from his schools. He applied to ELEVEN different graduate programs across the country. We are still waiting to hear back from them. Depending on where he gets in (praying that he makes it), that's going to decide where we will be moving too. All of them are out of Washington State, so if he gets in we will be moving. We have a few more to hear back from. 

That's the big change that will actually happen this year! If (when) he gets into a college we will pack our bags and move across country. I'm scared and excited. I've never lived anywhere else before, but I am so excited to start a new life with my fiance. 

Of course I have to plan for if he doesn't get in, and that is what we are talking about as well. Even with that, there will still be big changes. We will move in together, and actually start planning a wedding! So, regardless...I can already see this being the year of change. And I couldn't be more excited to start it all. 

I'm in love with my life, and I am in love with the new life I am beginning. I couldn't be more excited to see what is in store for me in the future.