I have never been so lonely in my life. I have found I can’t do anything on my own. I can’t even clean my own house if someone else isn’t with me. I am not as independent as I once thought. I am lonely.
There are very few people my age who understand fully what I’m going through, and that makes it worse. Almost any twenty-something has gone through a break-up, yes. But most have not had to change their life completely because of one. Most people my age break-up and get to keep everything else in their lives the same. For me, I lost everything that once was. And it is still taking me time to adjust.
The thing that is the hardest to adjust to is the loneliness. Not having that person to come home to, but rather, coming home to silence. The sound of silence is the loudest sound of loneliness.
Sleeping alone is impossible. I now have to fall asleep to music, with pillows propped around me, and even then it is difficult. The silence of loneliness keeps me up all night.
Crying is the norm. I find myself grabbing for my phone at all times and texting whoever I can get a hold of, just for the human contact. I always feel overwhelmed because I always have to make plans. If I go a night without plans, I sit at hope and cry in my own loneliness. But, if I make plans every night, I am overwhelmed that I am never alone. It’s a vicious circle, that I am caught in the middle of.
I am always lonely. It has taken me a long time to admit to it. But, I am. I am lonely.
I need human contact at all times. I feel empty when I am alone. And the thing that makes it worse is I honestly do not have enough friends to occupy my time with. I feel neglected when my friends don’t text me back. I feel even more alone if they already have plans. Yes, It is crazy. I am crazy. I understand this. But, that is how I feel right now.
I am just crazy. Crazy lonely. And crazy.
I need a fucking hobby.
We are told growing up that “everything happens for a reason”, but when something negative happens in your life I think that it is hard to realize that the saying still holds true. In my life I have had many unfortunate life-changing moments, and although some tragic, I think without them I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Several months ago my heart was broken, and I felt there was nothing in this world that would ever mend the remains. I had to change so many aspects of my life, that I felt like I was basically forced to become someone new. I was swimming in a sea of change, and was barely making it to the surface. But through all the turbulence, I think I have finally made it to the top. The journey only made me stronger. It did make me a different person, but I am likening the person that made it out.
In my life before, I felt like my whole life was planned already. The book had already been written; I just had to keep reading in order to reach the end. But now, I am writing my own book, and I have no idea what the ending will be. I am writing it all as I go along.
I liked reading the book, but I felt like it needed more chapters. And now, I have the ability to write them myself. I always wanted to do so many other things, but I was so caught up in the life that was already written, that I didn’t feel the need. I was happy where I was, and didn’t feel like I needed to change something that was already so good. But then, I was forced to change, and finally write the unfinished chapters.
My heart was in so many pieces that it took me a while to realize that I needed to put them back together myself. Being in love is such an amazing feeling. Feeling like you are one half of a whole is so strong, that it is hard to go back to feeling okay as a whole part of a half again. Slowly, I have been picking up all the pieces myself, and am finding so many parts that I thought were lost. I am now finally able to start writing those unfinished chapters.
A part of me always wanted to go back to school. I have a strong desire to always be learning and expanding my knowledge. It is something that was always in the back of my mind, but I was stuck in my life, so I never pursued it. That piece of my heart is now clear, so I have enrolled in school. I start in the fall, pursing a degree in Elementary Education with a minor in Environmental Studies. I hope to one day teach an environmental program for children. I am mixing my two favorite things: children, and being outdoors. I am more excited then ever for the prospect of school: and a chapter is being written.
I always was curious what it would be like to live in an apartment by myself, and for the last several months, I have done just that. I have an adorable one-bedroom apartment; however, it is not all it is cracked up to be. After going from living with a partner for as long as I did, it is very difficult to live on my own. I am lonely all the time, and find I hate the silence. So, I am changing that part of my life, and am moving in with one of my best friends. I am excited for this chapter of life.
There are so many things that I wanted to do, but never did. And so many things I never thought I would never get the chance to do because I was so content. But now I am finally getting the chance to write all these new chapters of my life. And now I feel like I have found enough pieces of my broken heart, that I can finally be happy for the change.
If I never had gotten my heart broken, I never would be where I am today. I am very happy where I am, and I am very happy with who I have become. These chapters of my life that I am writing are some of the most fun chapters I have ever written, and I am more excited then ever to find out how they end.
Getting your heart ripped into pieces is one of the most painful experiences one can go through. I have a strong hope that I will find a love to help me mend it completely, but for now I am just working on the pieces I can fix myself. They say that, “Everything happens for a reason”. In my life the reason is just starting to get written, and I am excited to see how this chapter ends.
