Life is Getting Good

I would say that I feel like my life is beginning, but there really isn't an easy way to pin point when your life starts? Is it as you exit the womb? Or when that first sperm hits the egg? When you speak your first word, or start understanding simple sentences? Or way after that. After you have experienced so much life to actually understand it? Or when.

My life is not beginning, but I finally feel like I am on the right step to some place I want to go.

I am finally starting a major that I am actually going to enjoy. I absolutely love taking care of children, and I know I will love majoring in Early Childhood Education. I love school, and I love the idea of going back to school.

I love where my life is headed lately, and I think that a big part if it is me learning to finally enjoy all the life that I have already led. All the good and bad times has made me who I am today, and I think I am a pretty awesome chick. I love me, I love life, and I love living it.

Finally.

An Adult Peter Pan

I feel like it is kind of pointless to write in my blog sometimes, because I know no one ever actually reads it. But writing is a form of expression, and right now, I just need to get it all out. I need to express my emotions, and just write gibberish that no one will read.

It's better then expressing my emotions in a different way, right? Don't want me to end up like Jeffery Dahmer or anything.

I'm sitting here with my bubbly water, just thinking: life sucks sometimes. No matter how great my life is, and how much I know my life is going in the right direction, there are still times when it just sucks. My life has had so many of these moments.

I don't want to play the "poor me" card, but there are just so many stupid little things that have gone on in my life, it just sucks: my youngest brother's death, my next youngest brother's serious brain injury, a kid I babysit for died, a parent of a kid I babysat for died, my parents have gone through a divorce forcing me to "pick sides" and move from house to house, my mom is an alcoholic, as well as dated a guy that made me realize that there really is such a thing as a person that was born to be a bad person. So many stupid little things, that sometimes I just get overwhelmed.

I'm not by any means saying that my life is worse off then yours (because it isn't), and I am not saying that I have led a bad life (because I haven't), I am just saying it all get's way to overwhelming sometimes.

I have gone through more in my life then a lot of kids my own age have, and this has forced me to grow up faster then most. I don't like to do normal "kid things", because I don't feel like a kid. But, I don't like to do adult things either, because I don't feel like an adult. I am lost, somewhere in the middle of being a kid and an adult. I am forever burdened with the fact of being an adult Peter Pan--just somewhere in the middle.

There are people that have had it way worse then me, but I think we all have to wallow in our self pity once in a while. We all have to feel like our problems are the biggest problems in the world--it's the only true way to really come to terms with life.

Motivation

Lately, I have just had no motivation to write, and frankly no one reads this anyways. I've always said that I write more often when I am depressed rather then when I am actually happy, and I guess it is true, because lately I have just lacked motivation, but I have been happier then ever.

Things change when I get happy, I write less, but I do more. I spend less time on the computer, and get more motivation to clean the house and do things that need to get done, but, I think the change that I really need to work on is: my bitchiness. When I am happy, I get even more bitchy to certain people then normal. To anyone that I think might stiffen my happiness....I bitch at. Seriously, It's awful. If you say, "I'm sick", I say, "Who Cares?"...really, I don't know what is wrong with me?

I think it all goes back to the fact that I am happiest when I am alone. And since everyone annoys me, I don't want one person to stiffen my happiness with their stupid, annoying, little problems. Ha! And yes, that is such a little bitchy move, but I guess that is just me.

I'm worried though that I am going to push away what little friends I do have with my blunt, rude, bitchy, attitude. Although, I am happiest alone, I do appreciate my friends.

I guess the real test of friendship, is to see if you can handle me when I am truly happy? Ha, I'm really odd.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

In these last few weeks I have been transforming my life. Switching my job has been for the better. I am over-all a lot happier, and it shows in all aspects of life. I have officially lost 17lbs! And I keep getting smaller. I am happier, and have more motivation to do stuff, like actually get the house organized. Life has just been great.

To really symbolize the changes I've made in my life, I decided to cut my hair. I love it. So much lighter. 13 inches!!!

Before:

After:

I feel like I lost 10 Lbs.!