Moving Out and Moving On

This last weekend I finally moved. I'm moving out, and moving on. I moved into my first apartment of my very own. It is absolutly brilliant. I love it so much. It's cute, it's purple, it's girly, it's me, and it is all mine! I am ten times happier now that I live on my own, then I was before, when I was just at my moms. I feel like everything is finally starting to move forward rather then move backward. I'm starting to make steps forward, and move on with my life. I know everything is only going to go up from here.

I'm finally starting to live life for me, and not "us". I'm making decisions on my own that will only effect me, and will help ME out in the future. I'm becomeing more me, then I have ever been. And guess what, I am pretty awesome? I love getting to know myself better. And man, I love me.

Ron Weasley

Announcing My Engagement:

I am going to marry Ron Weasley someday. I'm in love! I was even in love with him in the books. And picking hotty mchot (Rupert Grint) to play him in the movies was just a genius choice. Red heads are hot!

The Tales of an Insomniac

I thought I would jot down everything I am thinking, because I can't sleep. Lately I have becomet he worst insomniac in the world, I just stay up all night thinking and thinking and thinking, about absolutly everything that can go on in my mind. So, tonight, I thought I would try something, I thought I would just vent, and get it out, and see if maybe that would help clear my mind and finally allow me to sleep.

2011 is finally here, and I can't believe it. It seems like last year just came and went so fast. Last year was such an absolutly eventfull and life-changing year. It was absolutly crazy. I moved up in my job, started going back to school, stopped school, went to Europe on my own, lived almost a full year with a long-term boyfriend, had a 5 year aniversary, ended a 5 year relationship, became single for the first time, moved back with my mom, experienced my first heart ache, and so much more. It has been a revelation. 2010 has been eye-opening and crazy. I am determined to make 2011 a fresh-start.

2011 is my year. It is all about me. I don't have to worry about anyone else. It's my time, my year, and I am absolutly determined to make it amazing. This will be the first time in my life that I am absolutly, truely, on my own. I can make my OWN decisions, for MYSELF, and truely figure out what I really want.

And, what I really want, is for things to be different.

I feel like I am a new person, with new goals, and I want a new life. I am starting fresh. In this new year, I want to be able to let go of all the things that were holding me back (or was it just me holding me back?), and embrace what I truely want.

Today, I went to Church. For the first time in about 10 years. I loved it. Absolutly, 100% loved it. It has been something I have been wanting to do for years, but I never got the courage to do it. I figured, what would be a better time to start going to church, then the first sunday in the new year. So, I went. And what do you know, the sermon was perfect! It was about letting go of anything negative in your life, and embracing the positive. It was absolutly perfect. We did a "burning bowl" ceromony. You wrote down what you wanted to release and then you put it in a bowl, and lit it on fire! HA! And that way it was gone. It was so relieving. I just felt like when I lit it on fire, that part of me was gone. It was so inspirational, and I went on the rest of the service with a new light.

I got from the church service, exactly what I wanted.

Except, for one aspect: There was no one my own age there.

I know church isn't supposed to be about socializing, however; it really would be nice to meet people my own age, who are perhaps going through the same experience as me, and maybe want to grow with me in God? I think it helps to have someone your own age to talk about things too, and grown with you, rather then just a bunch of "mentors".

So, I have an idea, and I honestly want your opinion. Let me know if I sound crazy. I really enjoy the church I am going to (Unity), and want to continue to go there, but I really feel like I need to be around people of my own age and background as well in order to really feel a spiritiual connection and be able to grow. So, I found a youth program at a different church that I was thinking about going to (Elevate). Is it strange to go to one church, and yet, go to a different church for a youth program? Is it strange to not quite fill complete at one church just because there are not people my own age?

I am new to this church thing, and I need guidance. I need guidance, and that is why I am going to church.

It's weird, I am trying to be this new individual, single, person and yet, I am so nervous thinking about going to this "elevate" youth group, alone! I wish I had someone who would go with me. And yet, maybe I should do this on my own, just to get the full benefit of "doing something on my own"? I don't know.

I'm crazy, I'm insane, and I have no idea who I am. I need to find myself, I need guidance. And most of all, I need sleep. Oh, the tales of an insomniac.

Maybe

Maybe I've been feeling it for a long time

Maybe it's time

Maybe it wasn't as big of a shock as I thought

Maybe I don't mis Him, but rather, just the idea

Maybe one day I'll be okay with it all

I will

I will

Maybe one day I'll move on

I will

I will

I'll be okay

Maybe I'll be happy again

I will

I am

A Break-Up

A break-up effects more then just you and the one you broke up with. It effects everyone you are around. The longer you are together, the more ties to people you have. The more people you share. And when it ends, you lose those people. Even if you don't completly lose those people, you lose the part of them you had.

I find myself acting awkward around some people now, and not knowing how to be myself anymore. I keep feeling like people are acting different around me. I keep asking myself, "I wonder if they hate me now?" or, "What did he tell them about me?". I am ten times more self-concious then I ever was before. I find myself getting jealous that "my" friends are hanging out with "him". I find myself upset that I can't do whatever I want because I have to check and see if he is coming too. I find myself upset that I have to share.

But, this is just the way it has to be. Because I am not leaving our friends, and I wouldn't want him to leave his. And right now, there is no way we can happily be in the same place at the same time.

So, this is just how it has to be. Until one of us gets new friends. And sometimes I feel like that is the inevitable sollution.

Titanic: Worst Love Story Ever

*blot spoilers for those crazy enough to have never actually seen the movie "Titanic"*

Growing up I have seen this movie many times. I never actually liked it a whole lot, I was way too into history and was always bumbed there wasn't more historical facts in the movie (yes, nerd I know). But, I always thought this movie was cute, and a little romantic. Unitl now.

So, this Rose meets Jack, he draws a naked picture of her, they do it in the back of a car and they are instantly in love. Cool. I will be the first to tell you that you can have feelings for someone the first momment of meeting them, yes; However, and "undying love" takes time for sure. But in a movie format, when you don't have that much time, I can see that you might have to make the "undying" love go a little quicker. I get it. So, the whole falling in love aspect of the movie doesn't get me, but the very END END does.

At the very end of the movie, Rose passes away. I always got a little teary eyed and thought it was super cute and romantic that when she passes away and Jack is waiting for her at the top of the staircase. Oh, reunited at last. But, BLECK! How is this supposed to be romantic, and how is this supposed to make people feel better in the slightest about love? So she meets Jack for 2 days, he dies. Then she goes on, obviously meets a man, has children with him, they lead a long happy life together, then he dies. So, when Rose finally dies...she is reunited with JACK...the person she knew for 2 days...not her husband she was with and had children with. How is that supposed to be a happy ending?

I just don't understand this ending, now that I am older and have experienced what it is like to lose the one you love.

I might be reading into this too much, in the movie it never really says she "gets married", it just says she has children...so I just implied she got married...but still. If she didn't get married did that mean she had a long lonely life? Either way...what a depressing movie.

BiPolar Amber

Everyday is a new day. A new start. A new begining. Everyday is an oppurtunity to turn over a new leaf, and start fresh. Everyday you have a new though, and new revalation, a new experience and a new outlook. Everybody is a little bi-polar. Everyone is a little crazy, and a little sane. We all make mistakes, and we all move on. We all end up happy. Life is just amazing. No matter what happens, nothing can shoot me down.