Maybe

Maybe I've been feeling it for a long time

Maybe it's time

Maybe it wasn't as big of a shock as I thought

Maybe I don't mis Him, but rather, just the idea

Maybe one day I'll be okay with it all

I will

I will

Maybe one day I'll move on

I will

I will

I'll be okay

Maybe I'll be happy again

I will

I am

A Break-Up

A break-up effects more then just you and the one you broke up with. It effects everyone you are around. The longer you are together, the more ties to people you have. The more people you share. And when it ends, you lose those people. Even if you don't completly lose those people, you lose the part of them you had.

I find myself acting awkward around some people now, and not knowing how to be myself anymore. I keep feeling like people are acting different around me. I keep asking myself, "I wonder if they hate me now?" or, "What did he tell them about me?". I am ten times more self-concious then I ever was before. I find myself getting jealous that "my" friends are hanging out with "him". I find myself upset that I can't do whatever I want because I have to check and see if he is coming too. I find myself upset that I have to share.

But, this is just the way it has to be. Because I am not leaving our friends, and I wouldn't want him to leave his. And right now, there is no way we can happily be in the same place at the same time.

So, this is just how it has to be. Until one of us gets new friends. And sometimes I feel like that is the inevitable sollution.

Titanic: Worst Love Story Ever

*blot spoilers for those crazy enough to have never actually seen the movie "Titanic"*

Growing up I have seen this movie many times. I never actually liked it a whole lot, I was way too into history and was always bumbed there wasn't more historical facts in the movie (yes, nerd I know). But, I always thought this movie was cute, and a little romantic. Unitl now.

So, this Rose meets Jack, he draws a naked picture of her, they do it in the back of a car and they are instantly in love. Cool. I will be the first to tell you that you can have feelings for someone the first momment of meeting them, yes; However, and "undying love" takes time for sure. But in a movie format, when you don't have that much time, I can see that you might have to make the "undying" love go a little quicker. I get it. So, the whole falling in love aspect of the movie doesn't get me, but the very END END does.

At the very end of the movie, Rose passes away. I always got a little teary eyed and thought it was super cute and romantic that when she passes away and Jack is waiting for her at the top of the staircase. Oh, reunited at last. But, BLECK! How is this supposed to be romantic, and how is this supposed to make people feel better in the slightest about love? So she meets Jack for 2 days, he dies. Then she goes on, obviously meets a man, has children with him, they lead a long happy life together, then he dies. So, when Rose finally dies...she is reunited with JACK...the person she knew for 2 days...not her husband she was with and had children with. How is that supposed to be a happy ending?

I just don't understand this ending, now that I am older and have experienced what it is like to lose the one you love.

I might be reading into this too much, in the movie it never really says she "gets married", it just says she has children...so I just implied she got married...but still. If she didn't get married did that mean she had a long lonely life? Either way...what a depressing movie.

BiPolar Amber

Everyday is a new day. A new start. A new begining. Everyday is an oppurtunity to turn over a new leaf, and start fresh. Everyday you have a new though, and new revalation, a new experience and a new outlook. Everybody is a little bi-polar. Everyone is a little crazy, and a little sane. We all make mistakes, and we all move on. We all end up happy. Life is just amazing. No matter what happens, nothing can shoot me down.

Meloncholic

Everyday is another day. I keep having highs and lows. Today is a low. I have felt like I was going to cry all day, but I held it in.

I feel like everything was going great in my life, then suddenly someone lit a giant fire and I have to start all over. In one fail swoop I lost everything in my life: my dog, my house, the ability to go back to school, all the money in my savings, my friends, and most important...the love of my life. Everything is gone, and now I have to start over.

Just a few months ago, we were moving into our new house. When I was in Europe J decided to surprise me by finding a great new house for us to move into...on our own! I had wanted to live on our own for a while, and I hated where we lived before, so it was a wonderful surprise. When we walked into the new house, it was perfect! I fell in love with it instantly. He walked me into the first room and showed me a corner and said, "That's where we will put the chirstmas tree". And he smiled. He knows that the first thing I think of with any house is where I will put the christmas tree. I laughed. It was the greatest gift.

Well, the months have come and gone, and December is here. Time to get the christmas tree. But, he is gone. The house is gone. And the christmas tree is no longer.

I am now living at my moms. We will put her christmas tree up, with her christmas decorations. And mine will stay tight in a box until next year.

Today, I am meloncholic for the past. I miss last christmas. I miss my old life. I miss the old me where I laughed and made jokes all the time. I miss who I used to be. I miss who he used to be. I miss who we used to be. I miss it all.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another day.

Yep, Just Me

The last several days have had their majior ups, and maijor downs. They have all just blurred: one into eachother. But, now, I think I am finally coming out of the other side of this bipolar train.

I have decided to keep my head high, and keep moving forward. I can't go back and change the past. I can't make what has happend go away. The most I can do is move on and move forward. So I am.

I went apartment hunting today. I need to find my own place. I drove around bellingham, by myself, and just looked. I walked into countless leasing offices and asked if they had any one bedroom apartments available in January. They all asked, "Is it just for you?" At first, I reluctently said, "Uh...yes, yes, just me" At first, it hurt to be saying that it was just me, all alone. But as I walked from office to office, I slowly realized, "wait, yes! It is just ME!" That is it! I am the only person I need to worry about. I only have to worry about what is best for me. And towards the end of my hunt of the day, the answer was, "YEP! JUST ME!" Very confidently, with pride. I actually got a little boost of confidence, thinking I was taking care of myself. I was working for no one in a sense.

Yep, It is just me!

For the first time since everything happend, I felt...okay. Like things might actually be...okay. Weird.

Me

The Closeness

Today was a little easier. I was able to not cry for most of the day. It wasn't until the end of the day at work that I began to get a little teary.

At work there was a thanksgiving dessert for all the parents and families of the kids. It was cute! All the parents came in and sat next to their kids and watched them decorate cookies : ) Watching the cute kids didn't make me sad, it was their parents interactions that did. I watched one father take a bite of a cookie then offer his wife a bite. That simple act made me tear up.

It is mainly the closeness I will miss with Josh. The closeness with another individual. Where you just want to sit beside them, because that act makes you feel better. You want to share everything with them, even if it just a bite of a cookie. You can't help but hold their hand as you walk down the street.

The closeness. That is what I will miss the most.

I went home this evening, and Josh was there. I made a mistake and cried in his arms about it. It made me feel better. I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I didn't. I know I shouldn't talk to Josh about how sad he is making me, but, he's there. He always has been. And still, he is the only one I want to talk too.

So, as I was leaving to go to my moms tonight, I took off the keychain that Josh bought me and put it on the counter as I was leaving. My keychain is a little lighter, and so is my heart.

I slammed the door as I was leaving, then called Josh to appologize for being so upset.

I shouldn't appologize.