Life is Getting Good

I would say that I feel like my life is beginning, but there really isn't an easy way to pin point when your life starts? Is it as you exit the womb? Or when that first sperm hits the egg? When you speak your first word, or start understanding simple sentences? Or way after that. After you have experienced so much life to actually understand it? Or when.

My life is not beginning, but I finally feel like I am on the right step to some place I want to go.

I am finally starting a major that I am actually going to enjoy. I absolutely love taking care of children, and I know I will love majoring in Early Childhood Education. I love school, and I love the idea of going back to school.

I love where my life is headed lately, and I think that a big part if it is me learning to finally enjoy all the life that I have already led. All the good and bad times has made me who I am today, and I think I am a pretty awesome chick. I love me, I love life, and I love living it.

Finally.

An Adult Peter Pan

I feel like it is kind of pointless to write in my blog sometimes, because I know no one ever actually reads it. But writing is a form of expression, and right now, I just need to get it all out. I need to express my emotions, and just write gibberish that no one will read.

It's better then expressing my emotions in a different way, right? Don't want me to end up like Jeffery Dahmer or anything.

I'm sitting here with my bubbly water, just thinking: life sucks sometimes. No matter how great my life is, and how much I know my life is going in the right direction, there are still times when it just sucks. My life has had so many of these moments.

I don't want to play the "poor me" card, but there are just so many stupid little things that have gone on in my life, it just sucks: my youngest brother's death, my next youngest brother's serious brain injury, a kid I babysit for died, a parent of a kid I babysat for died, my parents have gone through a divorce forcing me to "pick sides" and move from house to house, my mom is an alcoholic, as well as dated a guy that made me realize that there really is such a thing as a person that was born to be a bad person. So many stupid little things, that sometimes I just get overwhelmed.

I'm not by any means saying that my life is worse off then yours (because it isn't), and I am not saying that I have led a bad life (because I haven't), I am just saying it all get's way to overwhelming sometimes.

I have gone through more in my life then a lot of kids my own age have, and this has forced me to grow up faster then most. I don't like to do normal "kid things", because I don't feel like a kid. But, I don't like to do adult things either, because I don't feel like an adult. I am lost, somewhere in the middle of being a kid and an adult. I am forever burdened with the fact of being an adult Peter Pan--just somewhere in the middle.

There are people that have had it way worse then me, but I think we all have to wallow in our self pity once in a while. We all have to feel like our problems are the biggest problems in the world--it's the only true way to really come to terms with life.

Motivation

Lately, I have just had no motivation to write, and frankly no one reads this anyways. I've always said that I write more often when I am depressed rather then when I am actually happy, and I guess it is true, because lately I have just lacked motivation, but I have been happier then ever.

Things change when I get happy, I write less, but I do more. I spend less time on the computer, and get more motivation to clean the house and do things that need to get done, but, I think the change that I really need to work on is: my bitchiness. When I am happy, I get even more bitchy to certain people then normal. To anyone that I think might stiffen my happiness....I bitch at. Seriously, It's awful. If you say, "I'm sick", I say, "Who Cares?"...really, I don't know what is wrong with me?

I think it all goes back to the fact that I am happiest when I am alone. And since everyone annoys me, I don't want one person to stiffen my happiness with their stupid, annoying, little problems. Ha! And yes, that is such a little bitchy move, but I guess that is just me.

I'm worried though that I am going to push away what little friends I do have with my blunt, rude, bitchy, attitude. Although, I am happiest alone, I do appreciate my friends.

I guess the real test of friendship, is to see if you can handle me when I am truly happy? Ha, I'm really odd.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

In these last few weeks I have been transforming my life. Switching my job has been for the better. I am over-all a lot happier, and it shows in all aspects of life. I have officially lost 17lbs! And I keep getting smaller. I am happier, and have more motivation to do stuff, like actually get the house organized. Life has just been great.

To really symbolize the changes I've made in my life, I decided to cut my hair. I love it. So much lighter. 13 inches!!!

Before:

After:

I feel like I lost 10 Lbs.!

I Hate Everyone

Yes, It is true. I basically hate everyone. Don't worry, you don't have to call the suicide hotline or anything, I just wanted to put the blatant fact out there: I Hate Everyone. There are very few people that don't annoy the crap out of me, and even those few tick me off at times.

Lately though, my patience has been dwindling so even my closets of friends are starting to drive me just utterly batty! And no, it is not that "time of the month". At first I thought that myself, but that time has come and gone, and these feelings are still there.

People don't just annoy me the typical amount, they drive me nuts. Full blown through me in a straight jacket nuts. Everyone. And, I have no idea why this bothers me so much. Perhaps it's because I love people to much?

Okay, so now this is a major contradiction I know. But come to think of it, the thing that drives me most nuts about people is the fact that I love people so much that it drives me nuts when they are making STUPID choices. I hate it when people do stupid things that are going to ruin their lives, and I hate it even more when people do stupid things the ruin my life. Or, make my life just a little bit more difficult.

I really don't know why I feel so strongly about how annoying people are, I just do. And it keeps getting worse. My care (or lack there of) is decreasing more and more daily, and soon I can see myself as an old lonely hermit...and frankly...that's probably the best situation for me.

Some people are just born to be hermits.

Dream: Blood Loss

I tend to have very vivid/passionate dreams. I dream in color, I dream in life. Everything always seems real, and sometimes feels more like a premonition rather then a dream. I dreamt that my brother was going to get into an accident before it happened. I dreamt that if my family moved out to Acme, something bad would happen, and it did. My dreams are vivid interpretations of life.

I have been having previous recurring dreams of pregnancy, and birthing. I've deduced these dreams to be in regards that I was in need of a big change, but someone was stopping me (hence the reason someone would always stop be from birthing the child). I am now in the middle of a giant change--switching careers--so these dreams have stopped.


My dream last night was nothing to do with pregnancy, or a big change. It was simple, straight to the point, but I don't remember most of it. The most vivid thing I remember was the blood. For some reason "they" needed a blood sample from me. I trusted "them" and I let them. I knew who "they" were in my dream, but in life, I do not recognize any individual. All I remember was them in white lab coats. I let "them" take the blood sample, but instead of the typical poke-a-needle-in-your-finger thing they usually do, they put an I.V. in me and starting having it flow into a bag (like I was donating blood). A few moments later I told them that I think that was enough--as the bag was overflowing--but "they" just replaced bags and ignored my response. As I was 'donating' blood, they still made me work. My work was searching for a small child. I new what the child looked like in my mind in my dream, but, I can not recognize it in reality. I was searching for the small child through an old grungy building: walls were falling down, there were holes where there used to be windows, but no glass, and cobwebs and darkness was everywhere. I knew this was Ferndale High School in my dream, but it did not look like Ferndale High School in my reality. I was carrying my I.V. through the school as I passed all my old classmates that didn't seem to notice or care, and no one knew where the small baby was. "They" kept replacing the bag as I drained more blood, and I kept getting more and more weak.

I never found the baby, and they never stopped having me drain blood. I never died, and just kept getting weaker. I just walked through my old high school, endlessly, draining blood, and getting weaker and weaker.

This dream was very vivid. I could see the red of the blood. I could see the blood moving through my veins under my skin. I remember being able to feel my heart begin to pump slower. And I could feel myself slowly start to die.

It was a morbid, intense dream, that I do not intend to have again. After all: I should only have to feel myself die once.

I need to figure out what this dream means, so it will not return. I can only guess that losing my blood would be something sucking the life out of me, but I don't know who "they" could be? And why was I searching for a small child? Could my old high school have something to do with everything?

Dreams

What Blogger's call a MEME

Through all the bordem of my last several days, I've been frantically browsing blogs for some sort of random entertainment. My ussual "research" has gone down the wayside, and I have started to get more entertained with the random blogs you can find on the internet. Now, don't worry guys, I will still do my "research" from time to time, and let you know the absolute most random facts in the world that you can find from typing "butt" into google, but for now, blogs are my thing.


One thing I have found is that the random surveys that we youngin's used to do on Xanga, Myspace and now the ever-popular, ever-sick, Facebook, are called "MEME's" on Blogs? I'm confused? What does that stand for, and am I using it in the right context. I'm not sure. I'm still not used to this blog thing.


Is there a blogging 101?


Anyways, I've decided to complete one of these so called "MEME's" to see if they are fun. I want to get into this professional blogging thing.


So here goes:

Four people I hope are eaten by a rabid pack of Velociraptors – a type of dinosaur that should not to be confused with chiropractors unless they also happen to have cannibalistic tendencies:

1. Paula Abdul! She knows what she has done
2. That girl with the HUGE TEETH on dancing with the stars! She absolutly drives me nuts. If there was a teeth shortening service, she should be first in line!
3. People that pronounce things correctly, rather then what is convenionly correct. Example: Pronouncing "Culinary" "COOOlinary"....We all know the correct way to say that word, but no one really cares, and you are definatly not better then us.
4. Anyone that is anerixicly skinny, although, you probably don't have enough meat for the velociraptors to eat anyways....oooo...burn!

Four drinks I love:

1. Anything tastes better when you make it Irish! The Irish really know what's going on.
2. Wine
3. Diet Coke
4. Anything I can blow bubbles into

Four favourite quotes:

1. "What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?" John Cusak, High Fidelity. You know, I've never actually seen the movie, but I probably should, it sounds pretty awsome!
2. Anything Dean Winchester says on Supernatural! Gosh, I could watch that show daily, and still laugh my ass off. Dean:You know what, there's a ton of lore on unicorns too. In fact, I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams, and that they shoot rainbows out of their ass!
3. "I'm sorry I farted in your purse"--Baby Mama, although, EVERY LINE from baby mama is absolutly amazing.
4. "Life is what happens when you are making other plans"--John Lennon, he's pretty amazing.

Five things to do before I die:

1. I would absolutly love to travel around the world. I want to visit every continet! Just once at least. Is that too much to ask from someone who wants to be a perfessional day-care teacher? HA
2. Buy a nice house, and have a wonderful garden! I have always wanted a "secret garden"
3. On the way home yesterday I was listening to a Meatloaf song, and wondered, "what wont he do for love?" So, perhaps, one day I would like to find the answer.
4. Never watch The Matrix, because it sucks! (I've only seen parts, and it sucks!)
5. You know, the whole, get married, have kids, and be financially stable and happy blah blah blah...pretty basic.

Five famous women I’d also like to do naughty things to:

1. Scarlet Johanson. She is so smoking!
2. Scarlet Johanson
3. Scarlet Johanson
4. Scarlet Johanson
5. Scarlet Johanson

yea....that's about it.

Okay...those MEME's aren't as fun as they seem. But it definatly kept me entertained for a while!