The Motivation Proclimation

I never can seem to find enough motivation to excersise. I think about it all the time. I'm unhappy with how I have slowing been starting to "let myself go" again, and I know I have to do something about it...but man...sitting on my lazy ass is just so tempting! And now that I have internet again (after 6 months of not having internet!), there is nothing I want more then to just sit on my butt watching documentary films and eating fruit snacks. I'm trying everything to get myself a little more excersise then now. So here are some ideas I am trying:

• walking to work (it only takes me 20 mins, so really, why not?)
• walking to go buy groceries (again, it only takes about 10 mins...so really...what is stopping me, besides my own lazy ass?)
• going for at least a 20 min long walk EVERY DAY! I really need to start with doing this EVERY DAY in order for me to actually DO IT!

I need to come up with a new rutine to get me going. I need someone to just come over to my house and light a match under my ass and lock me out of my house so I actually get going!

My first form of motivation comes in IPod form:

I love reading, and I absolutly LOVE "The Hunger Games" trilogy...so, I got the book downloaded onto my IPod...thanks to my dear friend Stephanie! It is so much more motivating then music, because I actually care about listing to a full chapter! When I listen to music, I don't care if I don't finish the song, but with the book, I really need to finish the end of the chapter. So rather then quitting early, I find that I don't want to stop. I have told myself I can only listen to the book when I am exciersising...and so far that has seemed to help.

Right now, my first step to improving my health is just gettin the motivation to excersise. Once I get that down...then I will really starting working on the whole not eating like John Goodman in an all-you-can-eat buffet thing. One step at a time guys...one step at a time.

Founder of the "Old Maids" Society

You know how in middle school people will date for about a week or so, then break up? Kids would burn through several relationships in a period of a month, and every other kid just thought that was normal and move on. Well, fast forward about 10 years...it doesn't seem so normal now does it?

Growing up, I never went through that fad. I never dated anyone until I was a junior in highschool. I didn't really care either. I figured I would just wait to date someone until I found a person I actually WANTED to date, and not just date someone because they asked me. So, my junior year of highschool, I found someone that I thought was perfect. We ended up dating for over 5 years before it ended. And now, I am completely screwed.

I feel like I am starting over with this whole "dating thing", because I never actually experienced it before. I never went to middle school, and I never dated before having my relationship. Most people figure out their "dating behavior" when they are in middle school/high school, but I have to figure it out now, when I am in my twenties. When you are in your twenties, most people assume that you have the whole dating thing down, so I feel like people don't understand my confusion now.

I am a middle-schooler, dating 20 year olds. Imagine how innapropriate that would be? That is why it is a perfect metaphor for my situation. I don't know what I am doing. I am just figuring out my dating style, like every middle-schooler does, by having my one-week long crushes. But now, in my twenties, it's not working. All that is happening is that I keep hurting people, and making everything worse.

It turns out, this whole "dating" thing, really isn't all it is cracked up to me. I'd rather just be single forever then hurt anyone else. I'm thinking of founding my own "Old Maids" society, and just be done with dating. Because honestly, this is just rediculous.

Kissing Boys Only Leads To Trouble

I am the most stubborn person in the world (probobly the reason I work so well with 2 year olds). Usually, my stubborness is a quality I enjoy about myself. It leads to me not being defeated. If I want something, I go for it. But, there is another aspect of my stubborness that isn't so kind: the fact that I have to learn things the hard way. No matter what people will tell me, how bad of an idea something is, I wont listen. Even the best advice goes right past my head, because I have to experience everything for myself first. And that is just how it works. I am the most stubborn person in the world.

I hate finding out things the hard way. I seem to lose people/hurt people in the process. I have taken on a new title of "The Queen of hurting peoples feelings". It's awesome. Is it something I am proud of? No. But, it's just something that happens. I use my stubborness to learn my lessons.

Specifics do not need to be mentioned for how/why I have come to this conclusion about my stubborness, but it's just something I have grown to realize: I learn things the hard way.

And I am a writer, writer of fictions

I am the heart that you call home

And I've written pages upon pages

Trying to rid you from my bones

My bones

My bones

--The Decemberists "Engine Driver"

This song is beautiful. If you haven't heard it already, find it, listen to it, and let it bleed through your soul.

Silence is the loneliest sound...

I have never been so lonely in my life. I have found I can’t do anything on my own. I can’t even clean my own house if someone else isn’t with me. I am not as independent as I once thought. I am lonely.

There are very few people my age who understand fully what I’m going through, and that makes it worse. Almost any twenty-something has gone through a break-up, yes. But most have not had to change their life completely because of one. Most people my age break-up and get to keep everything else in their lives the same. For me, I lost everything that once was. And it is still taking me time to adjust.

The thing that is the hardest to adjust to is the loneliness. Not having that person to come home to, but rather, coming home to silence. The sound of silence is the loudest sound of loneliness.

Sleeping alone is impossible. I now have to fall asleep to music, with pillows propped around me, and even then it is difficult. The silence of loneliness keeps me up all night.

Crying is the norm. I find myself grabbing for my phone at all times and texting whoever I can get a hold of, just for the human contact. I always feel overwhelmed because I always have to make plans. If I go a night without plans, I sit at hope and cry in my own loneliness. But, if I make plans every night, I am overwhelmed that I am never alone. It’s a vicious circle, that I am caught in the middle of.

I am always lonely. It has taken me a long time to admit to it. But, I am. I am lonely.

I need human contact at all times. I feel empty when I am alone. And the thing that makes it worse is I honestly do not have enough friends to occupy my time with. I feel neglected when my friends don’t text me back. I feel even more alone if they already have plans. Yes, It is crazy. I am crazy. I understand this. But, that is how I feel right now.

I am just crazy. Crazy lonely. And crazy.

I need a fucking hobby.

Everything Happens for A Reason

We are told growing up that “everything happens for a reason”, but when something negative happens in your life I think that it is hard to realize that the saying still holds true. In my life I have had many unfortunate life-changing moments, and although some tragic, I think without them I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Several months ago my heart was broken, and I felt there was nothing in this world that would ever mend the remains. I had to change so many aspects of my life, that I felt like I was basically forced to become someone new. I was swimming in a sea of change, and was barely making it to the surface. But through all the turbulence, I think I have finally made it to the top. The journey only made me stronger. It did make me a different person, but I am likening the person that made it out.

In my life before, I felt like my whole life was planned already. The book had already been written; I just had to keep reading in order to reach the end. But now, I am writing my own book, and I have no idea what the ending will be. I am writing it all as I go along.

I liked reading the book, but I felt like it needed more chapters. And now, I have the ability to write them myself. I always wanted to do so many other things, but I was so caught up in the life that was already written, that I didn’t feel the need. I was happy where I was, and didn’t feel like I needed to change something that was already so good. But then, I was forced to change, and finally write the unfinished chapters.

My heart was in so many pieces that it took me a while to realize that I needed to put them back together myself. Being in love is such an amazing feeling. Feeling like you are one half of a whole is so strong, that it is hard to go back to feeling okay as a whole part of a half again. Slowly, I have been picking up all the pieces myself, and am finding so many parts that I thought were lost. I am now finally able to start writing those unfinished chapters.

A part of me always wanted to go back to school. I have a strong desire to always be learning and expanding my knowledge. It is something that was always in the back of my mind, but I was stuck in my life, so I never pursued it. That piece of my heart is now clear, so I have enrolled in school. I start in the fall, pursing a degree in Elementary Education with a minor in Environmental Studies. I hope to one day teach an environmental program for children. I am mixing my two favorite things: children, and being outdoors. I am more excited then ever for the prospect of school: and a chapter is being written.

I always was curious what it would be like to live in an apartment by myself, and for the last several months, I have done just that. I have an adorable one-bedroom apartment; however, it is not all it is cracked up to be. After going from living with a partner for as long as I did, it is very difficult to live on my own. I am lonely all the time, and find I hate the silence. So, I am changing that part of my life, and am moving in with one of my best friends. I am excited for this chapter of life.

There are so many things that I wanted to do, but never did. And so many things I never thought I would never get the chance to do because I was so content. But now I am finally getting the chance to write all these new chapters of my life. And now I feel like I have found enough pieces of my broken heart, that I can finally be happy for the change.

If I never had gotten my heart broken, I never would be where I am today. I am very happy where I am, and I am very happy with who I have become. These chapters of my life that I am writing are some of the most fun chapters I have ever written, and I am more excited then ever to find out how they end.

Getting your heart ripped into pieces is one of the most painful experiences one can go through. I have a strong hope that I will find a love to help me mend it completely, but for now I am just working on the pieces I can fix myself. They say that, “Everything happens for a reason”. In my life the reason is just starting to get written, and I am excited to see how this chapter ends.

Life Truely Does Go On

Life goes on, Life get's better. Even when you feel like you are the bottom of a well, someone tends to come along and pull you out. Or, better yet, you find a way to grab onto those rocks and climb out yourself.

I feel more independent, confident, attractive, smart, funny, and overall, more ME, then I have ever felt in my life. I feel like I am always striving to make positive choices, and tend to move in an overall positive direction. I now know that everything happens for a reason, and that God does truely have a master plan. I am Happy.

Things in my life aren't perfect, no, but, it's my life, and I am learning to live it. On My Own.

Lady Gaga says it best:

MY MAMA TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG
WE ARE ALL BORN SUPERSTARS
SHE ROLLED MY HAIR AND PUT MY LIPSTICK ON
IN THE GLASS OF HER BOUDOIR
"THERE'S NOTHIN WRONG WITH LOVIN WHO YOU ARE"
SHE SAID, "'CAUSE HE MADE YOU PERFECT, BABE"
"SO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP GIRL AND YOU'LL GO FAR,
LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY"
CHORUS:
I'M BEAUTIFUL IN MY WAY
'CAUSE GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY
DON'T HIDE YOURSELF IN REGRET
JUST LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU'RE SET
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY
POST-CHORUS:
OOO THERE AIN'T NO OTHER WAY
BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAY
BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAY
OOO THERE AIN'T NO OTHER WAY
BABY I WAS BORN-
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY
DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN
DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN
DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN
DON'T BE!
VERSE:
GIVE YOURSELF PRUDENCE
AND LOVE YOUR FRIENDS
SUBWAY KID, REJOICE YOUR TRUTH
IN THE RELIGION OF THE INSECURE
I MUST BE MYSELF, RESPECT MY YOUTH
A DIFFERENT LOVER IS NOT A SIN
BELIEVE CAPITAL H-I-M (HEY HEY HEY)
I LOVE MY LIFE I LOVE THIS RECORD AND
MI AMORE VOLE FE YAH (LOVE NEEDS FAITH)
REPEAT CHORUS + POST-CHORUS
BRIDGE:
DON'T BE A DRAG, JUST BE A QUEEN
WHETHER YOU'RE BROKE OR EVERGREEN
YOU'RE BLACK, WHITE, BEIGE, CHOLA DESCENT
YOU'RE LEBANESE, YOU'RE ORIENT
WHETHER LIFE'S DISABILITIES
LEFT YOU OUTCAST, BULLIED, OR TEASED
REJOICE AND LOVE YOURSELF TODAY
'CAUSE BABY YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY
NO MATTER GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BI,
LESBIAN, TRANSGENDERED LIFE
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN TO SURVIVE
NO MATTER BLACK, WHITE OR BEIGE
CHOLA OR ORIENT MADE
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN TO BE BRAVE
REPEAT CHORUS
OUTRO/REFRAIN:
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!
I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY
I WAS BORN THIS WAY HEY!