Healthy

I need to be healthy. I need to become the person I want to be. In order to do that, I need motivation.

I remember when people used to think I was "tiny", and I haven't heard that for a while. I need to get back to that state again.

With my job, living on my own, insulin definciancy, and laziness, I have gained an unhealthy amount of weight. I have actually gotten to a stage where I do not think I am attractive, which as you should know, is very strange for me. I tend to where scarves to cover my neck, because I don't like how I am starting to grow a second chin. I wear clothes that are way to big for me, so I don't have to show my curves. I usually tend to turn down going "swimming" because the thought of people seeing me in a swim suit is utterly disgusting.

I am actually uncomfortable in the body I am in, but it is so hard to change. Especially in the environment I am living in. There are always sweets assessable to me. There is always sugar, white bread, desserts, fried food, processed food, and other food that isn't so good for me, always within reach.

I need to just have my own shelf, buy my own food, make my own meals, and have them all ready for me. No more sharing. Only caring for my body.

I need to get into the Buddhist persona: food is for nourishing the body only, and doesn't need to be enjoyed. I need to learn to eat what is good for me, and not what tastes good.

And most of all, I need to get off my lazy ass and exercises. An hour a day. It really shouldn't be too hard. I need to wake up earlier, and exercise before I go to work. Or come home and exercise.

So this is it. I'm going to start being healthy, from this point out. Nothing can stop me until I get back to the weight I was in high school at least: 120lbs. That is my plan. I need to at least get to that goal. I need to be able to fit in my old pants. I need to be happy with my body again.

Starting now. No option.

I need to be healthy.

Home Sweet Home?

Growing up I was always told that, "When you move out and have your own home then you can do things your way." But, I've come to realize that statement does not hold true in the real world. I'm out, I'm on my own, but I'm not really on my own. I don't think I will ever be on my own.

When you live with someone it is no longer "your way" or "there way" it has to now be "our way", and unless your partner agrees with you on everything (which let's face it...it's a rarity), they comprimises have to be made. Lately, I feel like I have to comprimise on everything.

It is very important to me to live in a nice house, with nice things. It sounds very superficial, but, that's just how I am. I will not go get a "free chair" out of the garbage, just because it is free and I need a chair. I will live without a chair and wait untill I can afford to buy the one I really love. Then I will have that thing I love forever. I would rather wait to have something nice, then have it now for free.

I absolutly hate "mess" of any kind. I hate clutter. If it is something you don't use, then get rid of it. I hate getting things that, "MIGHT come in handy one day", or "If I just tear this off, and put this on then I MIGHT be able to get this running and it COULD actually work". I hate "nick knacks". I need my house to be clutter free, so my mind can be clutter free as well. I am not happy in a house that is full of, "crap".

I need my house to be well decorated. I need things to match. I like there to be a color scheme, and things to look like I intentially put them there.

I absolutly HATE cleaning up other peoples mess. If you want to really piss me off. Then you can come over to my house, dirty a dish, and not rinse it off. But, I would rather you not piss me off. I think me, cleaning up your mess, is the most annoying thing in the entire world. You are an adult, you are perfectly capable of doing this yourself.

These are all things that I have to sacrifice to live with anyone: roomate, boyfriend, spouse, anyone. I feel like I am sacraficing all these things just to not be alone. I have to sacrifice the things that keep me sane and make me happy, just so I don't end up alone.

But then I have to wonder, would I be happier alone?

Pursuing My Future Dreams

I wish I could pursue my dreams now. I wish it didn’t cost so much to pursue anything. And, most of all, I wish money wasn’t a factor in happiness.

The reason I haven’t gone back to school sooner is money. I am not financially stable enough to go to school using my own money. And, I am not financially stable enough to go back to school if I don’t have a set degree. If/when I go back to school I have to have a set career track in mind. I can’t just go back for fun.

Ultimately, I want to work with children. I absolutely love working with children. Now I just have to get a straight career path set up. As of now, my goal is to go back to school Fall quarter 2010. I will be working for my two year degree in Early Childhood Education. In the hopes that one day I will be able to own my own daycare.

I have considered going back to school to be an elementary school teacher, but honestly, I know the university life just isn’t for me. Western is not my cup of tea, and I there is no way I can afford an “out of state college” nor am I willing to move away too far.

I have too many responsibilities at home to be able to go to an out of state or “out of area” college.

I also know I will not enjoy being an Elementary School Teacher in the long run, because I would still have to leave my own future children for work. It is very important to me to be able to stay home with my future children. I would love to eventually be a stay-at-home-mommy but, with the current economy, I also know that is more likely not possible. With owning my own day care, I will be able to bring in an income, as well as bring my children to work with me.

I just want to get started with my future career goals, NOW. But, I am being held back financially. I have to wait until next year’s school year, so I can apply for financial aid and scholarships. I am also very worried about the fact that I would have to quit my job here at WECU. WECU offers me a 401K, Medical Benefits, as well as annual bonus’. I am financially stable at this job, and some my find it irresponsible of me to give this up for a career that pays minimum wage. But I think ultimately I have to find something that will make me happy rather then something that pays well.

As I stated yesterday, “I only have patience in life with two things: dogs, and children. Everything else better just hurry the hell up!”

My New Computer

I took out a loan to get a computer yesterday! I am way more excited then I should be. I haven't ever had a computer of my own, which is strange now a days I have heard. This this will be all mine. I took out a loan for it like an adult.

I'm getting a Mac Book, and yes, I am going to buy a purple cover to go over it as well! I am so excited. This weekend, I will no longer have to borrow peoples computers to check my email. I will actually be able to download the pictures off my camera. I can use the computer whenever I want, and don't have to depend on anyone else.

It's strange how much my life revolves around computers, but i guess that is just how it works now a days right?

I am so excited : )

Insulin Resistance

I have been diagnosed with Insulin Resistance. And now that I have posted it on my blog, that makes it official right? Things are always more real once you put them in the public eye.

Insulin Resistance sounds scary, but it really isn’t. Basically, I am just “pre-diabetic”. “Insulin resistance is a condition in which the body produces insulin but does not use it properly”, basically my body will store the insulin in fat particles rather then distribute it properly throughout my body. This makes it very easy for me to put on weight, and very difficult for me to lose it, if I don’t eat properly.

I have probably had Insulin Resistance my entire life, but I have always eaten properly, since recently. Growing up we ate whole grains, lots of fruits and veggies, and very lean meat. Since I have moved out on my own, I have bought the cheapest food I can fine: white bread, potatoes, pastas, and cheap meat. These kinds of things are very bad for me, and will cause rapid weight gain as well as make me very tired and bitchy because my body is not being properly nourished.

Obviously, I am not blaming my weight gain in these last several years on my condition (because I am ultimately pretty lazy), but it is a factor that I have to consider now with any diet.

What does this all mean? Basically, in order for me to be healthy, I have to eat as though I am diabetic. No white breads, starches (such as potatoes), sugar, salts, basically anything that tastes really good, but isn’t healthy. I have to stick to a whole grain diet, with lots of protein and veggies. Not all too bad eh?

So, when I say “no” when you offer me cookies, sweets, white breads, and many bad carbs, I am not saying “no” to you, I just can no longer eat those things.

Insulin Resistance can be controlled, and even reversed, so I guess I can just hope for the best. And hope my “pre-diabetes” does not turn into full blown “diabetes”.

Facebook/Myspace

My life, as well as the lives of a majority of my friends, has seemed to become “Myspace” and “Facebook” co-dependant. More and more decisions I have in my life are based on facts I have learned through these sites, rather then through life experiences. Would life be different without these social networks?

I remember when it was perfectly normal to call your friend up and ask, “What are you doing tonight?” Then you got to actually listen to them make up a phony excuse on the spot, and not have to wait for a response (constantly logging back into Facebook to see if they have responded yet).

I remember when I actually had to tell people about a party, and not just send a “group invite”.

I remember when there was not second guessing, when you got a clear response, and when things were more personal.

I remember when I used to take pictures because I wanted to remember the occasion, and not because I needed a new Facebook album.

I remember when “Good” photography wasn’t based on how many comments you got on your picture, but rather, actually being a “Good” photographer.

Ha, do you remember when people wanted to be something other then a photographer?? It seems like everyone goes through the “photographer” stage now that we have these social networks.

I was thinking about my 10 year high school reunion the other day. And realized, it’s really not going to be a big shock. I can see any of my classmates on their Facebook today if I want too. I can check on them. See which ones are married, pregnant, got fat, graduated college, etc. Is the 10 year reunion really going to be such a big deal? Are these social networks ruining to fun in a lot of things?

If these social networks are ruining the fun, are the ruining more? Relationships? Socializing? I think so.

If you have a big problem with someone, do you call them and meet with them to talk it out? Or do you just send them a Facebook message?

Communication is lost.

I don’t know what I am trying to prove with this. I guess a lot of things. I am getting of on one million tangents.
I guess I am really just trying to say, I really hate social networks. And I think I am done.

Freedom of Religion is Not Free

Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a country where one of our founding amendments was “Freedom of Religion”? Where anyone that lived here would be free to practice whatever religion they truly believed in, without prejudice. Where Muslims could be Muslims, Jews could be Jews, Buddhists could be Buddhists, and Christians could be Christians. No religion was considered, “Better then the other”, and all were equally recognized.

This morning I was driving to work and I passed a Christian school. I thought how wonderful it must be to have a place where you can freely demonstrate your religion. Where you know you are not going to be judged because you pray in school. To have a place where you truly fit in. But, shouldn’t that be free for everyone? Shouldn’t you be able to pray in peace?

Why are we not allowed to pray in schools? If we have freedom of religion, couldn’t we pray wherever we are free? And, couldn’t we bow to “Allah” instead of pray to “God” or “Jesus”?

Supposedly, we are not allowed to pray in schools because not everyone prays, and the people that don’t pray will be left out. In search for equality, we are segregating. Instead of being able to pray in a public school people are forced to build these “....Christian.. ..Schools....” that are in turn segregating the people that are not “Christian”. Is this the direction ....America.... is moving? In order to celebrate our own faith we have to build ourselves a temple to worship.

Freedom of religion is not free. When you start having to build yourself a place to pray, freedom becomes a little less easy