Almost a year later...

It's been almost a year since I've updated this blog. And like any year, a lot has happened:  many things have changed, and many have stayed the same.

I've moved, I've grown, and I've gotten married! My name has changed, and my personal life couldn't be any better. The wedding was magical, and exactly what I've always wanted. But, rather then getting into all the mushy details I'll just let you know: the married life really is pure bliss.

But now that all the stress of wedding planning is over, I'd love to start my blog up again.

Probably with a new look and a new name! I want to start sharing all my crafts, recipes, and other sorta girly things I do. So, stay tuned! I'll let you all know the new blog URL soon enough!

Opportunities

Opportunities are only given to the weak, the rest of us have to fight for what we want. Recently I was reading up on private schools (just for shits and giggles) and noticed a selling point they had for some of the schools. "99 percent of our grads go to college." While that is great and all I feel like that is less about academics and more about opportunities. 

There was a very large percent of my graduating class that decided on a two-year school over a four-year university.  Was this because they didn't get accepted or weren't smart enough? No, it was mainly for financial reasons. My school wasn't full of wealthy socialites, but rather, full of kids of the working class. We aren't given the opportunities.  We have to work for what we are given.

The sad part is that sometimes you have to realize that when you start at the bottom it is impossible to work your way up no matter how far you climb. A fish can never truly climb a tree no matter how hard it tries. Sometimes the normal people truly are just normal. And I guess that is as good as it gets.

Always the "Smart Girl"...

I was always the "Smart Girl". If someone needed help with their homework, or needed an answer to a question, they would come to me. I usually knew the answer, or at least how to find it. When I was talking to people, they always said I sounded "educated" with the vacabulary I used. I never thought I was a genious, but I did know I was smart.

I never took pride in my appearance, or thought I was the "Pretty Girl". I knew I was smart, and I am good with that. I am a very confident person, I don't need people to tell me if I look good. I knew I was smart, and really that is good enough.

It wasn't until recently that I found out that I am not the "Smart Girl". I always knew I was smart, and thought I was pretty, but it turns out I am both. Or, at least that's what I got from it.

A few weeks ago I found out that an old friend of my fiance has been talking bad about me. I'm not sure of all the details, but I know she thinks I am "dumb". She often corrects my spelling on social media sites, and likes to . I always thought she was just joking and being fun, but I guess I was mistaking. The funny thing is, when I found that out all I could do was laugh.

This news only made me more confident. I was always the "Smart Girl". And, I still am. Just because she thinks she is smarter then me (at just grammar I guess?), doesn't mean I am dumb. So, of course that didn't bother me. But, the weird part about this information is that it actually made me more confident. The reason? Because I know she thinks I'm pretty. She has made many remarks to my looks, and it has always come across in a positive way. This girl doesn't think I'm smart, but I know she thinks I'm pretty.

I guess I am now the "Pretty Girl". The funny thing, is I know I am still the "Smart Girl", but now I also know that I am the "Pretty Girl". I really do have it all.

Sometimes all it takes is one comment to really boost your self-esteem. Because we all knew I had a problem with confidence right?

This time next year...

...I'll be getting married!!! It's so crazy to think about. It feels so "grown up"...and yet, I still don't feel like an adult.

It's been about 2 weeks since we have officially moved in together, and things couldn't be going any better. It makes me so happy to come home and know it's "our place". I know that he'll be home soon, and we can be together. This is mine, this is his, and this is ours. Finally, a place to call our own.

I never thought it was this fun sharing.

Realization

Sometimes I just look down at my finger, and am reminded how lucky I am.

I wish all problems were child sized

I can handle children problems like no bodies business...but when it comes to adult problems, that's another story. When I get too stressed out, I just want to sit in a ball and cry myself to sleep. Honestly, that's the only way I know how to handle myself in a truly stressful situation.

That's what I feel like doing right now. Actually, about 5 seconds ago I was. I lay curled up in my bed, crying as hard as I could. Nothing is wrong with me, my life is pretty good actually, but I just can't handle how parents don't know how to take care of themselves. How did they go through an entire childhood taking care of us, then grow up to not know how to do anything? It simply makes no sense.

My dad is going to get evicted. Case and point...there is no stopping it. It is for no other reason besides the fact that he is lazy and a procrastinator. He has had since the beginning of the year to find somewhere new, but no, he is still in the same spot. He just keeps getting extensions  But the fact of the matter is, those extensions are going to stop at some point. And you know what is going to happen? I'm going to see him on the curb, begging for money. Because he wont help himself, or let me help him. He wont do anything besides let things just run their course. He could have so much, but instead he is letting himself go. And I can't.

It would break my heart to see him on the side of the road, but that's where all the signs point too. And he wont stop it. I don't even know what to do anymore. There is no way to talk any sense into him.

So meanwhile, I just lay here...night after night, having these awful nightmares of my father not getting help and being all alone. It's awful. There's nothing I can do, and if there were, I have no time to do it...or the money. Because, I have to take care of myself too.

Then, when I finally feel like I can make it through the night...J gets taken away from me because his parents have no idea how to take care of themselves either. We both know they are too dependent on him, but what are you supposed to do? They are your parents, so you have to tend to their beck and call regardless. You love them, and they love you. It's family, no matter what's wrong...you have to try and fix it.

But it still sucks.

This is why I want to move away. I know moving away from your problems doesn't fix it...but it would at least give me time to focus on myself for like 10 minuets. That's all I want. I want to focus on me, I want to focus on the wedding, and me moving, and my career. But every time I think I feel like things are working out...things just pile up and fall down. Crash and burn.

I just wish I could solve adult problems as easy as I could solve kid problems. But, I guess they aren't as easy to solve.

A night alone...

This is potentially one of the last nights I will ever spend alone. I'm at my house, and he is at his. We spend most nights together...either both at mine, or both at his. But tonight, it just worked out best for us to sleep apart. And I am alone.

But it's weird. This might be one of the last nights I spend alone, in my own apartment. We've applied to an apartment, and have the potential to move in together in mid-may. And then, I'll never be in my own house, alone again. It will always be "ours".

And you know what, I'm okay with that. It's not scary, or weird, or depressing...it's nothing but awesome. I'm excited for the future, i'm excited to share my life, and I'm excited to not have my "on my own" night. Of course their might be nights where I'm "alone"...but I'll still be in "our" house.

Being one in the part of two is much better then just being one whole, on your own.