Crash, but not burn

Sometimes, you can put your best foot forward, wearing it's fanciest golden shoe, and things will still come to crush it. Your steel proof foot can still get beaten to a pulp. And you know what, that's okay. I really try to stay positive in every situation, but some days I find it more difficult then others.

Today has just been one of those days where the sun is always half shrouded. No matter what, it just can't be bright enough. I can get a million compliments and still feel only one inch tall. I need someone to build my self esteem, because no matter what anyone tells you, it is impossible to build it on your own.

I am emotionally, and physically drained. I am constantly looking over other people, building their self esteem, making sure they are okay. When is it my turn? When is someone going to tell me that I am awesome, and beautiful, and worthy? I suppose I do have some people that tell me, but the stability of those compliments is questionable. I can't question my reassuring comments. I need them to be stable.

I need stability so I don't crash. But I suppose all of life is just one big crash, and the best you can hope for is to not burn.

School

I can't manage to fall asleep tonight. I haven't had this feeling for a long time: the excitement/anticipation , the nervousness, the anxiety. I feel like I want to puke, cry, and laugh all at the same time. I have those butterflies. All these feelings muddled up into one body can only mean one thing: tomorrow is the first day of school.

I have waited years to go back to school. Many things have stood in my way: financial burdens, life drama, and my own self doubt. But now, I have broken through all the barriers and am finally beginning my new/old life as a student. I'm excited. It's the day I've been waiting for for a long time, and one step closer to my future.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my new life, it marks the start of the end. I'm so excited to be on this new road, and see where this journey will take me.

You are Sharp

I am walking right into the blade,

You are sharp,

And I am walking straight for you,

Arms stretched out and ready to take the hit.

I'm running straight into you,

You are sharp,

And I can tell you can hurt me,

But, I am running, full speed ahead.

The blade is exposed,

You are sharp,

Who's going to make the first move?

Or am I going to run straight into the blade?

Stand Still,

You are sharp,

I am exposed.

who is going to take the hit?

Click on this link for further detail: Animal-Neon Trees

Lyrics:

Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid
You're never satisfied
Here we go again
We're sick like animals
We play pretend
You're just
A cannibal
And I'm afraid
I won't get out alive
I won't sleep tonight

Oh oh
I want some
More
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of
My heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some
More
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
Say goodbye to my heart
Tonight

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's getting heavy
And I wanna run
And hide
I wanna run and hide
I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be
Denied by you
The animal inside of you

Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Hush, hush The world is quiet
Hush, hush We both can't fight it
It's us that made this mess
Why can't you understand?
Whoa, I won't sleep tonight

Here we go again [3x]

Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting

Here we go again [3x]
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waiting for
What are you waiting for
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Secret Single Behavior

Not So Secret Anymore

When I am alone, in the privacy of my own house I do the following:

• Walk around in my underware.
• Take off my bra in random places and leave it there (I once found it in the kitchen).
• Brush my teeth while walking around the house doing chores.
• Lay on the couch and rub my tummy.
• Pass out on the couch in the middle of the day while watching T.V.
• Pass out on the couch in the middle of the day while watching T.V with food still in my mouth.
• Wake myself up by snoring myself awake AFTER passing out on the couch in the middle of the day while watching T.V with food still in my mouth.
• Lay in my bed and eat food at two o'clock in the morning.
• Lay in bed and eat food in general, while watching T.V.
• Floss my teeth at any given momment.
• Wear my hair at the top of my head.
• Walk out to the mailbox in my boxer shorts, and no bra.
• Burp.
• Fart.
• Spit.
• Play Tony Hawk, or Mortal Kombat.
• Talk to myself.
• Laugh at myself.
• Draw pictures of stupid things and then laugh at them.

...Among other things.

I fart, because I like you.

I was eating lunch with my mom today, knawing away at my corn-on-the-cob like my mouth was full of only gums, when she made an interesting statment, "You've never really done this whole 'flirting' thing before have you?". With her one eybrow up, and hesitant eyes, I could tell she was examining me slightly. I wiped the loose kernels off my mouth, and snorted a bit as I responded, "Well, come to think of it, No." I finished my corn-on-the-cob, burped, and wiped my hands on my shirt.

As I was driving home, examining a hot air balloon and wondering if my archery skills would be good enough to send that thing crashing to the ground, it hit me: No, I haven't done this whole "flirting" thing before. I've always just been me: a nerd. I've always just been myself. I burp, fart, eat messy, talk about poop and butts, snort when I laugh, turn everything into a peice of sexual innuendo, laugh hysterically, and god knows what other wierd things I do or say at a drop of a hat. I now wonder, what is this whole "flirting" thing, and what does it intail?

I was talking with a co-worker the other day about sleeping habbits. I told her that when I sleep, I sleep on my back, snore, drool, and am virtually impossible to move once I fall asleep. She gave me the same hesitant look my mom gave me: the one eyebrow up, and examining eyes. She then laughed and said, "And you wonder why you are single?"

Am I supposed to act different, be different, and say different things in order to flirt with my perspective mate? Really, when you think about it, if you are acting different in order to attract a mate, what are they going to say when you start acting like yourself? If they don't like me when I burp, fart, drool, and talk about poop, then really, when are they going to like me?

According to my mom and my co-worker, I suppose I am new to this whole flirting thing. However; according to me, I've been flirting since the day I was born. I am a what you see is what you get sort of girl. I don't want to flirt with someone who doesn't understand who I really am, so I just act myself all the time, and if people don't like me for who I am, I ussually will tell them to "suck it".

So, chances are, if I fart in your presence, it's only because I like you.